Werewolves

Mavis and her visitor Connie are sitting in the lounge room in the early evening talking. Her husband Gary and daughter Lisa are out on this full moon to do some werewolfing.

MAVIS: You have missed Gary and Lisa. You should have arrived a little earlier

CONNIE: Of course it’s a full moon isn’t it?

MAVIS: Oh yes. It’s that time of the month again. But at least Billy is up at the other end of the house doing his homework. He will make his presence known as soon as he is finished.

CONNIE: Billy is not a werewolf is he?

MAVIS: No. He didn’t get the werewolf gene but Lisa did. She got that from her father. They are so alike.

CONNIE: Do you worry about them. I mean with all the strong feeling against werewolves you sometimes hear about. And then there is the safety question. Are the streets safe enough for a little girl to go werewolfing?

MAVIS: I use to but Gary is responsible. He will look after Lisa. She is 8 years old now and she has the right to go werewolfing as much as anyone else. She can’t help it if she’s a werewolf can she? The full moon gives me a chance to catch up on sewing, embroidery and crochet.

CONNIE: And of course it provides such an opportunity for some great father-daughter bonding.

MAVIS: Oh it does. Lisa loves her father. Plus being a werewolf and all means that Gary is a real charger in bed and especially on a full moon. I expect I’ll get little sleep tonight. (They both grin and giggle.) That is half the reason I married him.

CONNIE: Well he comes from a line of illustrious people doesn’t he?

MAVIS: Oh he does. His father Ben was a great Shakespearian actor. He played Hamlet and he wanted to go further. He had the ambition to play the skull in Hamlet.

CONNIE: He didn’t?

 MAVIS: Oh he did. He was dying to play the part. That’s why he had himself killed, so that he could play the skull. Now whoever plays Hamlet at the local Shakespearian theatre company is now holding dear Ben in his hands or at least his skull and talking to him. He gives the role such an authentic touch. The actor who is Hamlet gives that much more convincing performance when he’s holding a real skull.

CONNIE I saw him in hamlet not long along. Your father-in-law gives such force to that part. And he looks really dignified in the role. No one can accuse Ben of being a phoney. So what time would you expect Gary and Lisa to come back home?

MAVIS: I expect about 10 pm or 11. Last month they got home at half past 11 and they were both munching out on some human T-bone.

CONNIE: She like T-bones doesn’t she?

MAVIS: Yes but her favourite is sirloin and Gary’s favourite cut is rump. It depends on how hungry they are on the full moon. Lisa just gets excited in the days leading up to the full moon. The taste of flesh anticipated and sometimes she can be quiet difficult to handle. I mean it’s like she’s another species.

CONNIE: Well she is sort of. A werewolf.

MAVIS: She starts to get some wolf like features a day or so before and it so affects the hormones. The anticipation of a feast can test the patience of an 8 year old girl. She can be very difficult in the days prior to a full moon. Making kills on the full moon really settles her. She is really calm for weeks afterwards after her monthly indulgence.

CONNIE: And it can be such exhausting work hunting humans.

MAVIS: Oh it can be. And people do resist. They will even sometimes try to defend themselves. Imagine.

CONNIE: No? That could be dangerous for Lisa.

MAVIS: Oh it can but Lisa is becoming quiet the hunter now. She has quiet a few full moons under her belt now.  I can trust Gary to look after her and protect her. One time entrails were littering the street all the way back to our place. Neighbours weren’t too happy about the mess on the street. Gary is more considerate these days about the neighbours and all.

Some voices at the door. Gary and Lisa come in. They both have blood around their furry mouths and are holding some left overs dripping on the floor of the kitchen.

MAVIS: We were just talking about you. Had a good night?

LISA: It was the best. So much fun. One guy chased us with a marchetti but I smiled a little cutely at him and then gave the killer bite to his neck.

GARY: Hi darling. Hello Connie. I have some meat here and I’ll just make Lisa and myself some sandwiches with cheese and lettuce.

LISA: I love you Daddy. We just have such good time.

MAVIS: So this marchetti guy?

GARY: That marchetti guy got our adrenaline going. Do you or Connie want a sandwich?

MAVIS: Not for me. You know I don’t have a taste for human flesh.

CONNIE: Me neither. Couldn’t really eat my own species but you go ahead.

MAVIS: You have work tomorrow at the bank and Lisa has to get to school. So you’ll better get yourself and Lisa showered for bed.

GARY: OK. I’ll clean up here in the kitchen after this snadwich.

LISA: Hello Auntie Connie. I love you. (Lisa hugs Connie and a little blood gets on Connie’s clothes.)

CONNIE: Yes I love you too.

MAVIS: Lisa you should get into the shower soon with your father. You can clean yourselves together and tomorrow school.

LISA: I know mummy. I’ll just tweet Cathy about what a good time I had with Daddy tonight first. (Lisa tweets on her phone.)

MAVIS: OK dear.

GARY: Come on Lisa. I’m getting into the shower now. Then into your pyjamas.

LISA: I’m coming. I want to get some of this blood off too.

GARY: You wouldn’t want to turn up to school with blood on your cheeks. What would your teacher think?

Gary and Lisa go off to the bathroom to shower together. A little time latter Lisa comes out in her pyjamas.

LISA: Good night Mummy. (Kisses her.)

MAVIS: Goodnight dear.

LISA: Good night Aunt Connie. (Kisses her.)

Flying into the Void

Time 0606 December 3 2014. The morning at Sydney Airport.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Flight 296 you are cleared for takeoff on runway 2/5.

FLIGHT 296: Rodger, Flight 296 is cleared fro takeoff on runway 2/5

Flight 296 is airborne at 0607

CAPTAIN HAYES: Good morning passengers. Welcome to Westaire Flight 296 on route to Broken Hill. Please read the information and safety in the pouch in front of your seat and familiarise yourself with all safety procedures. We expect to arrive at Broken Hill Airport a little after 8:45 am.  We are carrying a near capacity load of 16 passengers, a little freight and Co-pilot Phillips and myself. Sit back and enjoy the view. The weather forecast is sunny and a light breeze on route and the same in the city of Broken Hill. Although the seat belt sign will shortly be switch off we do advise passengers to wear their seat belts for the duration of the flight whenever seated and of course under commonwealth laws no smoking is permitted at any time. Thank you.  

At 0710 Passengers drift off into a drowsy sleep.

********

0910 The expected Flight 296 has not arrived. There is concern among those who are meeting friends and family.

RADIO NEWS: This is a news flash. Flight 296 has not arrived at Broken Hill Airport. The flight is about half an hour overdue.

RADIO NEWS: This is the 10.00 news bulletin. The flight expected from Sydney has not landed as expect at Broken Hill Airport.  The little Metroliner plane has been spotted over South Australian flying it is believed flying on autopilot. The fate and condition of the on board passengers and of the flight crew remains unknown. The plane will retain its direction and altitude until the fuel runs out. This is expected at about 10.30 am.

********

At 10.30 am on Flight 296

TREVOR: I must have slept. Are we nearly there?

WENDY: That’s funny. My watch says 10.30 and we are still flying.

TREVOR: So does mine. What’s going on?

Stephan knocks on the cockpit door but no response.

CAPTAIN HAYES: We have overshot our target and the controls are not responding to our commands. I have been listening to radio traffic and news of our predicament is known. We know our exact position but are unable to communicate this by the radio. We are being carried only by autopilot and we are unable to switch it off.

Passengers are shocked, nervous and hysterical and uncertain of their fate.

********

12:45amthe wreck is located.

RADIO NEWS: The wreck of Flight 296 has been found in the north west of South Australia. All lives on board lost. It is believed to have crushed about 2 hours ago. The Department of Civil Aviation has announced an investigation into the accident. Police have for the time being withheld the names of all the passengers. We will bring more details as they become known.

********

On board Flight 296

STEPHAN: How much fuel in on board.

TREVOR: I wouldn’t expect the captain to be telling us that. What would be the point? We’re in the fast lane for a dreadful death.

GLENDA: I think we should have run out of fuel by now. There is no way they would put nearly 7 hours of fuel for a 2 and a half hour flight.

CLEM: Why are we here?

TREVOR: A bit late to be getting all philosophical now mate.

CLEM: No I mean why haven’t we crushed yet? Why are we still flying?

Captain Hayes comes into the passenger cabin.

CAPTAIN HAYES: We should have crushed more than 2 hours ago but here we are. We can monitor radio traffic but we can not make ourselves acknowledged. We can not make the plane respond to what we want and we should have run out of fuel. The fuel gauge has flat lined hours ago.

********

At 16:10

MINISTER FOR AVIATION: My deepest sympathies go out to the friends and families of the deceased. We do not at this stage know the cause of the accident. We do know that the aircraft was not responding to radio communication. An investigation team will be arriving at the scene early tomorrow morning.

JOURNALIST: Were the pilot and co-pilot conscious?

MINISTER: We know they were not responding so that is a possibility.

JOURNALIST: Carbon monoxide poisoning?

MINISTER: That would be one workable hypothesis but I’ll wait for the investigation team to complete their work before speculating.

********

At 2016 on board Flight 296.

GLENDA: OH MY GOD! Oh my God. I’ve got it! Just like Archimedes. I have got it.

TREVOR: What?

GLENDA: We are all dead. The plane crushed at around 10.30 am at the time the captain said it would have, and we’re all flying into the void on board a plane which no longer exists and we no longer exist. We are all DEAD. Just fucking dead. We are all dead.

CLEM: Think about it. None of us are hungry. We are not thirsty. None of us need to go to the toilet which is just as well because there are no toilets on this small tube of an aircraft.

TREVOR: No fuel. No response to radio communication or to mayday calls. The plane is not responding to commands from the controls.

CLEM: So the plane just flew on autopilot until it ran out of fuel. We crushed and burned and here we are deluded about being alive in the afterlife.

MARYANNE: So what now if we are all dead? Do we all arrive somewhere? I mean we must be all flying to heaven or something.

RUSS: I suppose so. We’ll find out I guess.

********

6 December 2014

RADIO NEWS: Memorial services for those killed on Flight 296 have been held in several churches. Aviation experts now view the probable cause of the air accident as carbon monoxide asphyxiation. Known by the chemical symbol CO it is an odourless gas. The passengers and flight crew would have only felt drowsy as they drifted off to an eternal sleep.

AIR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATOR: We will download the black boxes for more information. The indications so far at the crush scene do not point to a mechanical failure.

********

17 January 2015 on board Flight 296

MARYANNE: I always looked forward to entering heaven as a committed Christian but we’ve been on this flight for just on 6 weeks.

CAPTAIN HAYES: (seating inside the passenger cabin) I never believed in an afterlife and certainly not the Christian Heaven.

TREVOR: I had never decided. Never worried that much about religion. If this is the afterlife as it must be then it’s not a very big space to spend eternity. Not even enough room to stand up.

MARYANNE: I don’t think we’ll spend eternity here. Surely not. That’s not what Jesus promised.

15 June 2017 on board Flight 296

CLEM: Well I think it must now be quiet clear. This is whare we are forever. In a pipe basically with little room. This is it. And forever is a very long time.

RUSS: Still it probably beats Hell in its worst versions

TREVOR: How long is forever? A million years? A billion years? No. It is longer than you can ever imagine. Claustrophobia forever. Think of a number and add any number of zeroes behind it and it still doesn’t do justice to the time period involed because it will always fall short of infinity.

CAPTAIN HAYES: Who would have thought that eternal infinity would be had in such an enclosed small space?

23 September 2087 on board Flight 296

GLENDA: Most of the people we know may well have deceased by now. Would be good if we could know or contact them in some way. I was always expecting over all these years that some angel or spiritual guide to fill us in or take us to God or our loved ones. I guess we will never be reunited with loved ones.

3 December 2114 on board Flight 296

TREVOR: Our centenary of the crush today and the first of an infinite number of centuries.

MARYANNE: I feel as though I have been betrayed. The afterlife is just this in this small tube forever. Nothing can be operated, the external doors included.

CLEM: I thought I’d like to just jump out into the whatever but we can’t.

RUSS: Cheer up. This is the first century of many more. All our friends and family have probably deceased and who knows where or what is their reality. But what can we do except look out of the windows? 

GLENDA: Again. 

Recreational Grief – The Funeral of Boy Joe.

Television coverage of the funeral of the famed rock star Boy Joe following his unexpected death at a young age.

BERNIE: Welcome to all our viewers to what must surely be the celebrity funeral of the year.

DENISE: Yes Bernie the streets are packed with hundreds of thousands of mourners. Cubic miles of flowers have been laid as wreaths. The world hasn’t seen a mass outpouring of grief like this since the death of Lady Di the Princess of Wales.

BERNIE:  Acres of newsprint columns have been written in eulogies and obituaries. A star who touched so many lives but who also was at the centre of much controversy. Be it his continuing problems with drugs and alcohol, his ambivalent sexuality or his occasional foray into political and religious issues which earned him the enmity of so many. There are some unknown circumstances surrounding his death and some conspiracy theories concerned with his early demise. We can talk about those a bit latter.

DENISE: We can now get a shot of the start of the route the cortege will follow. A horse drawn gun carriage carrying the coffin of Boy Joe will lead the procession followed by a cortege of famous admirers. Police are lining the route but the large crowds seem demure stunned as they are by the sudden passing of Boy Joe.

BERNIE: This is one of those seminal events which will stick in the memory of us all. We will all know where we were and what we were doing when news of Boy Joe’s death reached us. An event such as only happens several times in a century. The assassinations of President John Kennedy or of Martin Luther King and of course of the tragic death of Lady Di come to mind.

DENISE: Revered like few other people in the entertainment business as a Christ, a Buddha or as a Ghandi. But he also attracted controversy like few others in our age. However others described him as the anti-Christ. He was as divisive an influence on our lives as he a unifying one.

BERNIE: But as we look at the crowds gathered here today all the controversies of Boy Joe melt away into one outpouring of collective grief.  We all remember Boy Joe as a singer with many hit singles and latter as a comedian using some of the tragic material in his own life. Latter and more controversial, more controversial than even his drinking and drug taking was his work on human rights and in particular with the campaign to abolish the death penalty.

DENISE: It was of course his unique style of activism which earned Boy Joe the most antipathy. Boy Joe started up a laughing club on death row. The wardens felt threatened by the sound on infectious laughter on their watch not having any training on dealing with that situation; falling as it did outside of depression and anger which is expected in that environment. It was felt that no one is sent to death row for a laugh. Relatives of the victims of the crimes for which the condemned were sentenced were outraged. It led to the pythonque situation of an American state legislating to outlaw laughter on death row. A field day for comedians everywhere.

BERNIE: And that would be a good point at which to cross for the famous confrontation between Boy Joe and the President or the American Victims of Capital Crimes Organisation on the Faux Network. This is that exchange.

                                 

BARBARA WATSON: I have here the singer, comedian, death penalty activist and laughing club convenor Boy Joe whose efforts at starting a laughing club on death row landed him in so much controversy. Hello there Boy Joe.

BOY JOE: Hi there Barbara.

BARBARA WATSON: Also here is the representing the Victims and Friends of Capital Crimes Support Network Elizabeth Battersby. Good morning Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH BATTERSBY: Good morning to you too Barbara.

BARBARA WATSON: Glad to have you both on. First I will ask you Boy Joe if you can talk to your work on the death penalty and in particular your organising of laughing clubs on death row.

BOY JOE: Yes Barbara as you know I was involved with my singing and my comedy work and that success came with its bad side, the glamour, the celebrity, the narcissism and self absorption and from which I would use all manner of uppers and downers and alcohol. But as I was wallowing in sorrow I realised I had many more advantages than the vast majority of people and I had real freedom of the sort so many people do not have. I would never have to suffer injustice.  I became interested in the death penalty issue. In the UK the death penalty was abolished decades ago and yet here in the US it continues and beings its own kind of injustices which are added to the injustices suffered by victims of crime. It was at about this time that I met up the convenor of a laughing club in a cancer ward and it seemed to me that setting up a laughing club on death row would be one practical way I could be active on the issue and at the same time help the condemned. Helping through laughter was natural because I’m a comedian. I just think of how Jung would have viewed our death denial. He would see problems arising as the shadow aspect; that in denying death accompanied by death related fears America realises capital punishment. A shadow suppressed becomes ugliness realised. In my work now I am giving light to my shadows in the service of others and in so doing I am also helping myself.

BARBARA WATSON: Many psychotherapists in principle thought that laughter as therapy was most positive but many criticised some of your unconventional thinking. I am thinking of your offhand dismissal of optimism and positive thinking.

BOY JOE: Well optimism is OK in certain circumstances when there is a day after tomorrow but it only becomes a bitter delusion in other circumstances, for example on death row.  Optimists are not good at laughing at bitter turns out of their control because they imagine everything should be under their control. They have no way of dealing with anything out of their control. When we can laugh at the worse we can not control then we can really get a grip on ourselves. That is by losing respect for ourselves we can remain centred in circumstances beyond our control. That was the perspective needed in my work for inmates on death row.

BARBARA WATSON: Now Elizabeth you took umbrage at the work of Boy Joe.

ELIZABETH BATTERSBY: Every time I go into my daughter’s room I feel sick in my stomach. Not a day goes by when my thoughts centre on Tracy. Every time my family sits downs at the dinner table I am looking across to the empty place opposite. My angel died at the hands of that monster and this professional clown who gets paid for people gawking at him and listening to him is hurting me and all the other parents and relatives by having a laugh with these awful monsters who took my daughter away. I honestly don’t think he’s had a responsible thought in his whole life and this, this here thing here is propped up like a role model, this drunk and druggie.

BARBARA WATSON: Boy Joe how do you respond to this charges made by Elizabeth? Should a rock star and comedian who has struggled with drink and drugs be conducting a laughing club on death row when these people have destroyed lives?

BOY JOE: I understand your pain Elizabeth. I want to provide a circuit breaker on fear. The whole of American culture turns on fear and I think applying the principles of the laughing club movement to people who are most in fear and in particular the fear of death. I think fear is the engine of so many problems in America and if we can learn to laugh at the face of death we can move forward with so many things. America is a death denying society and that means that these fears surface instead in many ugly ways. I realised that by helping others come to terms with individual anxieties I could help our national death anxiety and also that I could also help myself. I feel also for the relatives of victims. I would be happy to organise a laughing club for the members of the Victims and Friends of Capital Crimes Support Network if you requested.

ELIZABETH BATTERSBY: How dare you! You’re having a laugh to use one of your British slang terms.

BOY JOE: I am actually. It’s my work. I am having a laugh at the expense of death and I can help other groups paralysed by fear and death.

ELIZABETH BATTERSBY: You bastard insulting my Tracy by having a good about her. I should …(Bleep. Bleep, bleep over her voice. She reaches out her hands towards Boy Joe’s throat, cut to ad break as she is restrained by studio crew)

                                 

DENISE: In the aftermath the state governor passed a law prohibiting laughing on death row.

BERNIE: And this is some more footage of Governor Rolston signing into law what has been called “Tracy’s Law”.

                                 

GOVERNOR ROLSTON: I stand here today shoulder to shoulder with the surviving relatives of capital crime victims. As a community we offer a shoulder to comfort the affected families. No longer will we have half baked comedians and musicians coming into our prisons and teaching these hardened criminals to have a good laugh at their victims while surviving relatives have had their lives ruined. I have killed even American citizens in our facilities in the name of community safety and healing bereaved families than the previous governor and I look forward to killing even more people in office. I paraphrase one of my favourite cartoon characters Yosemite Sam when I say to other pretenders to office who “speak softly and carry a large needle”. Well I speak LOUDLY and I carry an even BIGGER needle and I USE it too (uses his hand and fingers to mime the action of a needle injection and the crowd applauds). Under my administration I promise to kill even more. I now invite Elizabeth Battersby to take the stand and address this gathering.

ELIZABETH BATTERSBY:  Thank you Governor Rolston. The process of healing will be greatly aided by Tracy’s Law for my family and many others. This law will greatly assist my family come to terms with the loss of Tracy. The time for empowering criminals is over. We will not tolerate alcoholics and drug addicts using humour with their half baked psychological ideas to empower the monsters who killed my Tracy. DIE SCUM BAGS! DIE!

Crowd applauds. Governor Rolston takes a seat at a small table and with a pen puts his signature to the document.

GOVERNOR ROLSTON: I thank Elizabeth for good work of pursuing justice on behalf of victims and surviving family members. As a result of her work and her campaigning it is now an offence for any person to cause or to indulge in laughter individually, under instruction of any group, official or unofficial in any state correctional facility. Further as Governor I will be psychological programs aimed at improving the welfare of prisoners at all in our prisons. No one should go to prison to feel good about themselves. Here’s a hint. If you don’t want to feel bad about yourself under prison conditions don’t do the crime in the first place. Instead let such psychological services be available for the victims’ families.

At the back are the New Guardians of America dressed in black uniforms. At the conclusion of Governor Rolston’s speech they raise a clenched right fist and arm at 45 ° to the horizontal.

                                 

DENISE: Boy Joe was running a show at the time called “The Last Laugh” and this headline at the time following Tracy’s Law (Denise holds up a newspaper) said “No Last Laugh for Condemned”.

BERNIE: Comedians everywhere took a Pythonique angle to the law outlawing laughter including “The Ministry of Silly Laughs”, “Die Laughing” and “A Funny Thing Happened in the Way to the Scaffold” All of these were parodying Tracy’s Law”.

DENISE: And let us not forget “Don’t Laugh, we’re Americans”.

BERNIE: Indeed. Do not mix death and laughter. Boy Joe was making the point that many human dramas with a tendency towards Shakespearian of Greek tragedy endings can be recognised and moderated under laughter and he thought at the macro level this would be most beneficial.

DENISE: This philosophical waxing was in contrast to his much less serious life of drugs, his androgynous costumes and drink. All part of the enigma that was Boy Joe.

BERNIE: There are many different ideas going through the minds of mourners today as they watch the cortege past by. It really is a beautiful day for recreational grief.

DENISE: It is indeed Bernie. We can all share in this moment of collective mourning. We can all have our hearts broken by the departure of a charismatic personality.

BERNIE: Boy Joe was also famous for interrupting fundamentalist churches with an infusion of laughing club members. It was his way of protesting the more extreme agendas of these churches.

DENISE: That earned him no end of enemies in the conservative Christian community. Death threats and demonisation of Boy Joe followed. Yet other Christians praised him comparing Boy Joe to Jesus overturning tables in the temple.

BERNIE: The death of Boy Joe was very unexpected and sudden. This has given rise to all sorts of conspiracy theories from the CIA, the Vatican, pro death penalty people and many others.

DENISE: It has but we should remember that Boy Joe had led life in the fast lane and very often he had crushed so on the other hand we can not be surprised if the price of his fast life had been higher than realised even though his life in the  last few years had slowed a little as he devoted more time to his causes and less to his singing.

BERNIRE: Yes although he was still doing some comedy work. He had also put a few noses out of joint by opining that some NGOs were more concerned with themselves and their celebrity sponsors than they were with the supposed beneficiaries of the NGO’s work.

DENISE: They were especially piked when Boy Joe worked some of that criticism into his comedy routine.

BERNIE: And as we speak the coffin of Boy Joe makes its way past our position. I think I can sum up his death by saying he died as he lived. A true artist. This has certainly been a magnificent tragedy; a tragedy that Shakespeare may have written both in life and in death.

DENISE: I agree. If tragedy and comedy are near relatives then that is no more so than in the life and death of Boy Joe.

BERNIE: We will not hand back to the studio. Bye.

DENISE: Bye.       

Waiting for Rigor Mortis

The theme song of the hilarious sitcom of the same name about life in a nursing home for the terminally ill. Sung to the tune of Makin Whopee.

Have to rash, have to hurry

Waiting for rigor mortis

Another bed to make and ironing

Waiting for rigor mortis

A lot of shoes to give a shine

So much to do before the Grim Reaper comes

Have to tend the garden

Waiting for rigor mortis

Have to service the car

And vacuum it inside out

Have much to do will be without you

Waiting for rigor mortis

Have to do washing

Before the end act to end

So many chores to get through

Waiting for Rigor mortis

Is everything finished

Will have to rest forever

And the painting. It’s done too.

Waiting for rigor mortis

The Power of Prayer

In a Television studio a couple dressed neatly and looking like born again Christians spreading the word. Mike in an older style suit and Pat is dressed in a twin set. They are co-hosting a Christian news called “Jesus Moves”. After all the top stories of the day the co-hosts segway into the next segment called “The Power of Prayer” featured once a week.

MIKE: At this time each week we like to feature moving stories about the power of prayer as examples of the Lord moving in our lives. Sometimes they will make you laugh. Sometimes they will make you cry. Always you will be moved by the power of the Lord to manifest his power through our prayers.

PAT: Yes indeed Mike. We start off this week with a moving story of a little girl in the mid west plains of America. Little Jessica Callum aged nine prayed to God to make her area more picturesque because she lives on the great plains of visual monotony in the tight knit community of Lesterville. She would like some hills or mountains to admire. And in a really heart warming story God is answering her prayer. A magnitude 7.5 earthquake hit the area uplifting the ground by one metre. Some hundreds of people have been killed in her community and Jessica herself sustained some injuries and is recovering in hospital. The people in her community are very devoted believers. The Reverend Ian Smyth said the people are very thankful.

Crossover to the reverend being interviewed.  

REVEREND: The fact that thousands of people were NOT killed is evidence of the benevolent nature of God and his love for us. God has today saved thousands of lives. This is a very devote community and today we witnessed how God is moved through prayer. This has only increased our love for the Lord. That God should make himself manifest in the life of a child so young is real cause for hope.

Cut to Jessica in her hospital bed.

JESSICA: The mere fact that I was not killed is proof of God and of his love for me. How else can you explain the fact I am alive? My love for God has only increased today.

Cross  to a geologist.  

GEOLOGIST: The earth moved today although it will take longer than little Jessica’s life time to create the beautiful mountain range which will one day rise up in this area.

Back in the studio.

PAT: How about little Jessica saying that the fact she wasn’t killed is proof that God exists and of his love for her?

MIKE: Such wisdom out of the mouths of babes. What a touching story. It’s an example of how God is at work creating beauty in our world for us.

PAT: Yes we can give thanks to all the carnage in the past which went into creating all the beauty we see in the world today. Everywhere we look we can see evidence of God’s love for us in the beauty of landscapes. God today showed his love for the community of Lesterville.

MIKE: God is building them a mountain range. While a certain unnamed other prophet of a certain unnamed other “god” (Mike makes a inverted comas sign with his fingers in the air\) of a certain unnamed other religion may be able to move mountains but ONLY the one true God can actually build them. (Chuckle) The Lord be praised!

PAT: Amen to that. And talking of praise that is what Neil Watson of Columim is doing today after witnessing God answering a prayer to his advantage yesterday. Like so many of us he was frustrated looking for a parking space. I’ll let Neil tell the story in his own words.

Cross over to an interview with Neil

NEIL: I was running late for an important appointment plus I had shopping to do and I had been driving around looking for a park but to no avail. So as I was driving along I closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed that God might find me a parking spot quickly. I opened my eyes and drove on. Suddenly the car in front of me was hit by another car driving a enormous speed that just came out of nowhere and then just vanished. His car was totalled and as I drove around him there was a parking which I pulled into. I realised that for that accident I would never have had that parking space. The parking space would have gone to the car in front instead. God had answered my prayer. So off I went and did my shopping and I made my appointment on time. When I came back to my car the area was filled with the flashing lights of all manner of emergency vehicles. I realised that God moves in mysterious way and that he does answer prayers. I was in a buzz for the rest of the day, walking on light air. I matter to God and he answers my prayers. Oh what a feeling. I am saved! Jesus take me! I’m on my knees! I am yours!

In the studio.

MIKE: And the name of the driver of the other car was Sam Mathers, 39 of Clinchborn. He latter died of his injuries in hospital.

PAT: What an inspirational story.

MIKE: Right you are. It sure is. This just shows how God moves in mysterious ways. When God’s agency works for us it is God’s benevolence and when it’s not it is God moving in mysterious ways. Proof that God truly exists..  

PAT: It sure is. As the good book says. “Ask and you shall receive”.

MIKE: Yes and the fact that Neil closed his eyes to pray while driving shows his faith in the Lord is indeed strong. I tell you the good news is everywhere. And the good news just keeps coming. Pat. Next we have the story of a grandfather close to death and in need of a kidney. His grandchild Kym was so looking forward to presenting him with her present on his birthday in a few weeks. As you know the waiting list for most organs is long and donor organs have to be compatible with the recipient. Clem Richards has been waiting for three years and his health has been deteriorating in all that time in spite of the very best medical care he has been receiving.

PAT: What happened next is truly an act of God answering the prayers of another little girl. It is the touching tale of a little who was able to share the joy of my grandfather’s birthday all thanks to the intersession of a little girl of faith. She had made a gift for his up coming birthday, a birthday Clem was not expected to see.

MIKE: Clem needed a miracle and thanks to his loving granddaughter a miracle was delivered. Clem was on life support and he was not expected to hold on too much longer. All hope vanishing but for the arrival of a suitable kidney. This is where Kym in her nightly prayer before bed asked God to find a kidney for her grandfather so that she could enjoy her grandfather’s birthday. She was so looking forward to the appreciation of her loving grandfather of her handy work in which she had invested many hours of effort. Here is Kym’s mother Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: Kym has always been close to her grandfather. Naturally she was upset when I had to inform her of the serious nature of her pop’s illness and his need for a transplant with no guarantee of a suitable organ donor providing the much needed kidney. I walked past Kym’s bedroom when I saw her kneeling on the floor praying to God and asking that a kidney be found for her grandfather. I smiled and walked on. The next morning at around 4.00 am I was woken from my sleep by a call from the hospital. A kidney was now available. This was a result of a fatal accident in which a heavily pregnant woman had died of injuries along with her baby after being hit by a bus.

Cross to a police spokesman.

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Marie Cornes, 25 was waiting for a bus late at night when the bus veered on to the footpath.

Footage of the police talking to the bus driver. The bus driver talks to the camera.

BUS DRIVER: (Read eyes from crying and shaking) I was just driving pulling in to pick up passengers. The next thing the bus seemed to have a mind of its own. I don’t really know what happened. I couldn’t do a thing. The bus picked up speed and veered on to the footpath side swiping this woman who I could see was pregnant. It was awful.

REPORTER: (To the Police spokesman.) What will happen to the driver?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: The driver has been charged with dangerous driving. A charge of manslaughter may follow. It is likely that he will lose his licence and his income. He has been bailed. At a meeting between the driver and his wife there was tension in the air in what I understand was already a difficult relationship before this incident and it is likely that their marriage is over. Naturally the driver is in an extreme state of distress.

REPORTER: And the woman?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Unfortunately she died at the scene and the baby she was carrying was also lost.

Back in the studio.

PAT: We have further developments on that story. Ms. Cornes was a donor and her organs will be useful to others. Her kidneys were found to be compatible with Clem Richards. It was this news which the hospital where Clem was on life support rang so early in the morning to give to Trudy Tobin the daughter and caregiver of Clem.

MIKE: With this good news an operation was scheduled at the earliest possible moment. Here is more of the interview with Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: The hospital said they had a perfect match for a kidney from a woman who had died that night in an accident. Naturally I was delighted at the death of this woman and opened a bottle of Champagne straight away and we celebrated. The operation occurred a few hours latter and I made my way to the hospital.

CLEM: As you can see I am now out of hospital and quiet fit. No more tubes and no more dialysis 3 or 4 times a week. I can now lead a close to normal life. The doctors expect that I can live a high quality of life for many years. I just need to keep to a course of immune suppressants and undergo periodic biopsies.

Some home made footage of a birthday party with Kym, Trudy and Clem.

TRUDY: Kym and Clem both enjoyed the birthday party last night and Clem just loved the art work Kym had spent so many hours working on. What can I say? God delivers on his promises and he delivers on prayers. Ask and you shall receive. We have Kym to thank for God saving Clem for a few more years by killing that pregnant woman and her baby and destroying the life of the hapless bus driver.

The last scene of the footage is of Clem and Kym embracing before going back to the studio.

PAT: Such a lovely moving story of one girl’s prayer saving her grandfather by God instead taking another life. Life is beautiful. I live for moments like this. Isn’t it just so nice that a little girl prays to God for a kidney for her grandpa and that God can answer her prayer by taking the life of a pregnant woman and running off with a kidney just for Kym’s beloved grandfather?

MIKE: It just tugs at the heart strings. Finally today we have the story of some drought stricken farmers saving by the grace of God answering their prayers. Farmers in Australia have emerged from the longest drought and have had very good rains for the last year. We now know that enough farmers got together to pray to the almighty for rain.

Cross to meteorologist

METEOROLOGIST: The delivery of rain is dependent in large part on the El Nino/La Nina effect of the Pacific Oscillation Current.  When one side of the Pacific warms up relative to the other that side experiences good rains and floods. And vice versa.

Cross to Reverend Turner.

REVEREND TURNER: Which way the oceanic current flows depends on a tug of war of prayers from farmers on both sides of the Pacific. For the moment God is more impressed with the praise and adoration of Australian farmers. This is why American farmers are having such a hard time of drought this year and many face ruin. God has been especially impressed by the church known as Catch the Flame Ministry under the pastorship of Danny Nutter.

DANNY NUTTER: It is good to see La Nina triumphant over El Nino with the water shortages in many American cities and American farmers going to the wall. God does truly move in mysterious ways. This has prospered Australian farmers. God has answered our prayers.

Cross to studio.

PAT: Yes indeed. More evidence that God will move against one group to answer the prayers of another. Ask and you receive. Ask for a miracle and it will be delivered.

MIKE: And that’s all for this week’s segment of The Power of Prayer. God bless. May the Lord answer your prayers. Don’t forget to check out our web site for extended interviews and you can also download this program from the site. We also have inspirational books and DVDs or sale or you click on the link on the home page to donate towards keeping this program on the air.

PAT: Goodbye. May the Lord bless you and keep praying for a miracle..

MIKE: Amen and goodbye.

Closing credits to the tune of the hymn “Lord, Slaughter the little Children”. 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

To date everything on this blog has been original material. I will not often be posting other pieces which are not my creation but I thought a blog about death related humour could not  omit that wonderful Monty Python hymn "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".It's such a treat.

The whole Life of Brian movie is such a treat and I never tire of watching it.

Enjoy.

An Unauthorised Illness

 In a courtroom the clerk rises as the judge enters.

CLERK: All rise. (All in attendance rise and then resume their seats as the judge takes his.)

 JUDGE: Is Mr Kevin Wilson present today?

CLERK: Call Mr Wilson.

(A court official makes his way to the door)

OFFICIAL: Mr Wilson! (Wilson is wearing pyjamas and a hospital issue dressing gown enters and takes the stand. He has an oxygen tank on wheels and a stand holding an intravenous feed.)

CLERK: Will you take an oath or affirm?

WILSON: I’ll take an affirmation.

CLERK: Please read from this sheet.

WILSON: I affirm that the evidence I am about to give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

JUDGE: Mr Wilson, are you represented here today?

WILSON: No.

JUDGE: I would strongly advise you to seek representation before proceeding.

WILSON: No. That is all right. I’ll defend myself.

JUDGE: (Gesturing towards the prosecutor) Proceed. .

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson give you please give your date of birth.

WILSON: The 4^th of April 1965.

PROSECUTOR: So that would make you Mr Wilson how old?

WILSON: I am 48 years old.

PROSECUTOR: Your worship I would like to submit exhibit A, a birth certificate for Mr. Wilson and exhibit A a life certificate for the said Mr. Wilson. (Judge nods approval)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read from your life certificate the heading highlighted in the 5^th column?

WILSON: Expiry date.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I see they taught you how to read in school.

WILSON: What? Of course they did. There’s no need to be patronising.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. We’ll also see how you go about answering questions as well Mr Wilson.  Now Mr. Wilson can you read the date below the heading in the 5^th column?

WILSON: 3^rd April 2045.

PROSECUTOR: Very good Mr. Wilson. Now while you’re on a roll dazzling the court with your superb use of your cognitive skills perhaps you can impress on the court the display of your mathematical skills. On the expiry date of you life certificate how old will you be on that expiry date.

WILSON: Nearly 80.

PROSECUTOR: Wow. You are good. Very good. Yes. 80 years less one day. Tell me Mr Wilson how is your present state of health. From my point of view down here you look rather poorly.

WILSON: I have polycystic kidney disease and cancer of the spleen. My general health is badly compromised and my lungs are failing. I need to take this portable oxygen tank with me and I could only really come to court with this stand dripping pain killers in a saline solution.

PROSECUTOR: Well that’s your diagnosis. Now for the benefit of the court perhaps you can briefly give us your prognosis.

WILSON: Well I’m not expected to live another year.

PROSECUTOR: Oh really. What sort of a person would you describe yourself as being?

WILSON: An average good person. Not too offensive. Honest. Easy going.

PROSECUTOR: Tell us Mr. Wilson would you consider yourself a law abiding citizen?

WILSON: Of course.

PROSECUTOR: Perhaps you have not noticed the discrepancy between your account of yourself as a law abiding citizen and the reality that you are in grave danger of checking of this life before the expiry date listed on your life certificate. Tell the court Mr. Wilson are you similarly deluded about other aspects of yourself..

WILSON: What? No!. My illness has nothing to do with what sort of a person I am.

PROSECUTOR: Usually not perhaps Mr. Wilson except you have had the temerity to go and become seriously ill without being properly permitted to do so.

WILSON: I did not mean to. (In a slightly higher pitched apologetic voice.)

PROSECUTOR: Tell me Mr. Wilson in your police interview were you completely truthful in your statement to the police?

WILSON: Yes! (Slightly agitated)

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge)  I would like the defendant to read a highlighted section from his birth certificate. (Judge hands the document to Mr. Wilson.) I would like to submit this as exhibit B. (Judge nods approval.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted place of birth on your birth certificate?

WILSON: Lewisham, NSW.

PROSECUTOR: Yes and of course that was on the 4^th of April 1965?

WILSON: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I would like to submit exhibit C being a copy of the statement you gave to the police with in connection with this charge. (Judge hands Mr. Wilson the statement.) Can you read the highlighted paragraph on page 14?

WILSON: I was born on the 4 April 1965 in Petersham. My mother…

PROSECUTOR: Stop right there. Well. Well. Well. You were not truthful to the police in giving your statement were you Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: Yes but…

PROSECUTOR: But nothing. You said you regarded yourself as honest .Just how deluded are you? Or is it delusion or is it deception?

WILSON: (Angry and agitated) Deception? What purpose could deception serve for such a minor detail? You’re just blowing small discrepancies into major deceptions. Petersham is next door to Lewisham. What does it matter?

PROSECUTOR: What does it matter? It matters because it reflects either on your character or on your mental competence. In either case your testimony is dubious. But this wasn’t the only example of providing false or incomplete information was it Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: What are you talking about?

PROSECUTOR: Can you read from the highlighted section on page 17?

WILSON: I went to school in Canterbury. I was not ever in trouble at school as a child.

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge.) I would like to submit a document as exhibit D and for it to be handed to the defendant to read from the highlighted area. (Judge nods and the document is handed to Mr. Wilson.) Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted section?

WILSON: Kevin Wilson suspended for 3 days for failing to take responsibility for starting an argument which resulted in minor injuries to himself and Jeff Hoare.

PROSECUTOR: Yes Mr. Wilson. Quiet an omission.

WILSON: That’s unfair. How could I remember that incident? It was just some silly playground thing.

PROSECUTOR: So not only are you an unreliable source of information but you also won’t take responsibility for your actions. Tell me Mr. Wilson what sort of a person are you?

WILSON: That’s not fair.

PROSECUTOR: Not fair? You’ve just by your own admission verified that you are dishonest or incompetent ad irresponsible.

WILSON: (Visibly shaking and starting to wheeze.)  I may have made some mistakes but I’m not a bad person. I’m just an average person trying to make my way through life best as I can.. Look I’m a sick man.

PROSECUTOR: And whose fault is that? You went off and became ill without the proper permits. And on top of that you plea your illness as a reason for mercy. Well that’s like the orphaned boy pleading for clemency in the murder of his parents on the ground that he’s an orphan. Do you really expect anyone to take you seriously after it has been established that you are also unreliable and dishonest or incompetent?

WILSON: Look why should my early death be a legal matter? If I die early that is that.

PROSECUTOR: So you think people should just do as they like. Like and die whenever? These are very dangerous anarchist tendencies. So to the list of dishonest or incompetent and unreliable the court can see a budding anarchist in the dock. How would life be if everyone thought you could be born and die whenever you want or that you can do whatever you feel like. It’s people like you clogging up the court system.

WILSON: (Falls off his chair and his stands falls over. He is helped to his feet.) You’re really mean making little things sound really bad. If this is justice the system stinks.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Wilson you really have shown your true irresponsible colours today. (To the judge) I rest my case.

JUDGE: Members of the jury. You have heard the evidence. I now charge you to consider the evidence and decide your verdict.

The jury leave the court room. They return 2 minutes latter and assume their seats.

JUDGE: Will the foreman of the jury please stand.

(Foreman stands)

JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict in which all members of the jury are unanimous?

FOREMAN: We have.

JUDGE:  What then is the verdict of the jury?

FOREMAN: Guilty!

JUDGE: Thank you Mr. Foreman and members of the jury. You are now dismissed. (To Mr Wilson) Mr. Wilson please stand. (He stands with the help of some staff.)

JUDGE: Mr. Wilson you have been convicted of contacting an illness or disease likely to put you at risk of breaching your life certificate and associated life permits. You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers. I will remand you for formal sentencing at a latter stage. This case is adjourned pending sentencing.

CLERK: All stand. (The judge exits)