Expiry of her life certificate

Dear Mrs Silva Jardine Winchesterson-Gotha,

You have recently celebrated your 82^nd birthday and you should know that your life certificate is now nearing its expiry date. Your life certificate is due to expire on March 31 coming. After this date you will meet your own demise and your personal extinction. No doubt the aliments, illnesses aches and medical problems you signed up for and agreed to at the beginning of your life contract will now be making their presence felt.

Please note that no extension to your life certificate is available and penalties apply to persons continuing to exist after the agreed expiry date. God Corp employs the services of Death to collect overdue accounts and Death is a debt collection agency with a 100% recovery rate.

We suggest you use your remaining time to put your affairs in orders, finalise wills, settle debts and advise your friends and family of your forthcoming demise.

We at God Corp trust you have used your allowed life span to maximum advantage and have availed yourself of opportunities as they have presented themselves. God Corp thanks you for choosing us as your life delivery and despatch service provider.

Finally, God Corp wishes to extend its condolences to you and your family in what after all will be a difficult time for you and your family.  We wish you well in your future endeavours. It has been a pleasure to have your custom for this now expiring service.

If you have any inquiries please do not hesitate to contact God Corp for assistance or for clarification of any issues related to this letter.  

Yours sincerely

Jeffrey Daniels

Expiry Services Manager

Werewolves

Mavis and her visitor Connie are sitting in the lounge room in the early evening talking. Her husband Gary and daughter Lisa are out on this full moon to do some werewolfing.

MAVIS: You have missed Gary and Lisa. You should have arrived a little earlier

CONNIE: Of course it’s a full moon isn’t it?

MAVIS: Oh yes. It’s that time of the month again. But at least Billy is up at the other end of the house doing his homework. He will make his presence known as soon as he is finished.

CONNIE: Billy is not a werewolf is he?

MAVIS: No. He didn’t get the werewolf gene but Lisa did. She got that from her father. They are so alike.

CONNIE: Do you worry about them. I mean with all the strong feeling against werewolves you sometimes hear about. And then there is the safety question. Are the streets safe enough for a little girl to go werewolfing?

MAVIS: I use to but Gary is responsible. He will look after Lisa. She is 8 years old now and she has the right to go werewolfing as much as anyone else. She can’t help it if she’s a werewolf can she? The full moon gives me a chance to catch up on sewing, embroidery and crochet.

CONNIE: And of course it provides such an opportunity for some great father-daughter bonding.

MAVIS: Oh it does. Lisa loves her father. Plus being a werewolf and all means that Gary is a real charger in bed and especially on a full moon. I expect I’ll get little sleep tonight. (They both grin and giggle.) That is half the reason I married him.

CONNIE: Well he comes from a line of illustrious people doesn’t he?

MAVIS: Oh he does. His father Ben was a great Shakespearian actor. He played Hamlet and he wanted to go further. He had the ambition to play the skull in Hamlet.

CONNIE: He didn’t?

 MAVIS: Oh he did. He was dying to play the part. That’s why he had himself killed, so that he could play the skull. Now whoever plays Hamlet at the local Shakespearian theatre company is now holding dear Ben in his hands or at least his skull and talking to him. He gives the role such an authentic touch. The actor who is Hamlet gives that much more convincing performance when he’s holding a real skull.

CONNIE I saw him in hamlet not long along. Your father-in-law gives such force to that part. And he looks really dignified in the role. No one can accuse Ben of being a phoney. So what time would you expect Gary and Lisa to come back home?

MAVIS: I expect about 10 pm or 11. Last month they got home at half past 11 and they were both munching out on some human T-bone.

CONNIE: She like T-bones doesn’t she?

MAVIS: Yes but her favourite is sirloin and Gary’s favourite cut is rump. It depends on how hungry they are on the full moon. Lisa just gets excited in the days leading up to the full moon. The taste of flesh anticipated and sometimes she can be quiet difficult to handle. I mean it’s like she’s another species.

CONNIE: Well she is sort of. A werewolf.

MAVIS: She starts to get some wolf like features a day or so before and it so affects the hormones. The anticipation of a feast can test the patience of an 8 year old girl. She can be very difficult in the days prior to a full moon. Making kills on the full moon really settles her. She is really calm for weeks afterwards after her monthly indulgence.

CONNIE: And it can be such exhausting work hunting humans.

MAVIS: Oh it can be. And people do resist. They will even sometimes try to defend themselves. Imagine.

CONNIE: No? That could be dangerous for Lisa.

MAVIS: Oh it can but Lisa is becoming quiet the hunter now. She has quiet a few full moons under her belt now.  I can trust Gary to look after her and protect her. One time entrails were littering the street all the way back to our place. Neighbours weren’t too happy about the mess on the street. Gary is more considerate these days about the neighbours and all.

Some voices at the door. Gary and Lisa come in. They both have blood around their furry mouths and are holding some left overs dripping on the floor of the kitchen.

MAVIS: We were just talking about you. Had a good night?

LISA: It was the best. So much fun. One guy chased us with a marchetti but I smiled a little cutely at him and then gave the killer bite to his neck.

GARY: Hi darling. Hello Connie. I have some meat here and I’ll just make Lisa and myself some sandwiches with cheese and lettuce.

LISA: I love you Daddy. We just have such good time.

MAVIS: So this marchetti guy?

GARY: That marchetti guy got our adrenaline going. Do you or Connie want a sandwich?

MAVIS: Not for me. You know I don’t have a taste for human flesh.

CONNIE: Me neither. Couldn’t really eat my own species but you go ahead.

MAVIS: You have work tomorrow at the bank and Lisa has to get to school. So you’ll better get yourself and Lisa showered for bed.

GARY: OK. I’ll clean up here in the kitchen after this snadwich.

LISA: Hello Auntie Connie. I love you. (Lisa hugs Connie and a little blood gets on Connie’s clothes.)

CONNIE: Yes I love you too.

MAVIS: Lisa you should get into the shower soon with your father. You can clean yourselves together and tomorrow school.

LISA: I know mummy. I’ll just tweet Cathy about what a good time I had with Daddy tonight first. (Lisa tweets on her phone.)

MAVIS: OK dear.

GARY: Come on Lisa. I’m getting into the shower now. Then into your pyjamas.

LISA: I’m coming. I want to get some of this blood off too.

GARY: You wouldn’t want to turn up to school with blood on your cheeks. What would your teacher think?

Gary and Lisa go off to the bathroom to shower together. A little time latter Lisa comes out in her pyjamas.

LISA: Good night Mummy. (Kisses her.)

MAVIS: Goodnight dear.

LISA: Good night Aunt Connie. (Kisses her.)

Flying into the Void

Time 0606 December 3 2014. The morning at Sydney Airport.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Flight 296 you are cleared for takeoff on runway 2/5.

FLIGHT 296: Rodger, Flight 296 is cleared fro takeoff on runway 2/5

Flight 296 is airborne at 0607

CAPTAIN HAYES: Good morning passengers. Welcome to Westaire Flight 296 on route to Broken Hill. Please read the information and safety in the pouch in front of your seat and familiarise yourself with all safety procedures. We expect to arrive at Broken Hill Airport a little after 8:45 am.  We are carrying a near capacity load of 16 passengers, a little freight and Co-pilot Phillips and myself. Sit back and enjoy the view. The weather forecast is sunny and a light breeze on route and the same in the city of Broken Hill. Although the seat belt sign will shortly be switch off we do advise passengers to wear their seat belts for the duration of the flight whenever seated and of course under commonwealth laws no smoking is permitted at any time. Thank you.  

At 0710 Passengers drift off into a drowsy sleep.

********

0910 The expected Flight 296 has not arrived. There is concern among those who are meeting friends and family.

RADIO NEWS: This is a news flash. Flight 296 has not arrived at Broken Hill Airport. The flight is about half an hour overdue.

RADIO NEWS: This is the 10.00 news bulletin. The flight expected from Sydney has not landed as expect at Broken Hill Airport.  The little Metroliner plane has been spotted over South Australian flying it is believed flying on autopilot. The fate and condition of the on board passengers and of the flight crew remains unknown. The plane will retain its direction and altitude until the fuel runs out. This is expected at about 10.30 am.

********

At 10.30 am on Flight 296

TREVOR: I must have slept. Are we nearly there?

WENDY: That’s funny. My watch says 10.30 and we are still flying.

TREVOR: So does mine. What’s going on?

Stephan knocks on the cockpit door but no response.

CAPTAIN HAYES: We have overshot our target and the controls are not responding to our commands. I have been listening to radio traffic and news of our predicament is known. We know our exact position but are unable to communicate this by the radio. We are being carried only by autopilot and we are unable to switch it off.

Passengers are shocked, nervous and hysterical and uncertain of their fate.

********

12:45amthe wreck is located.

RADIO NEWS: The wreck of Flight 296 has been found in the north west of South Australia. All lives on board lost. It is believed to have crushed about 2 hours ago. The Department of Civil Aviation has announced an investigation into the accident. Police have for the time being withheld the names of all the passengers. We will bring more details as they become known.

********

On board Flight 296

STEPHAN: How much fuel in on board.

TREVOR: I wouldn’t expect the captain to be telling us that. What would be the point? We’re in the fast lane for a dreadful death.

GLENDA: I think we should have run out of fuel by now. There is no way they would put nearly 7 hours of fuel for a 2 and a half hour flight.

CLEM: Why are we here?

TREVOR: A bit late to be getting all philosophical now mate.

CLEM: No I mean why haven’t we crushed yet? Why are we still flying?

Captain Hayes comes into the passenger cabin.

CAPTAIN HAYES: We should have crushed more than 2 hours ago but here we are. We can monitor radio traffic but we can not make ourselves acknowledged. We can not make the plane respond to what we want and we should have run out of fuel. The fuel gauge has flat lined hours ago.

********

At 16:10

MINISTER FOR AVIATION: My deepest sympathies go out to the friends and families of the deceased. We do not at this stage know the cause of the accident. We do know that the aircraft was not responding to radio communication. An investigation team will be arriving at the scene early tomorrow morning.

JOURNALIST: Were the pilot and co-pilot conscious?

MINISTER: We know they were not responding so that is a possibility.

JOURNALIST: Carbon monoxide poisoning?

MINISTER: That would be one workable hypothesis but I’ll wait for the investigation team to complete their work before speculating.

********

At 2016 on board Flight 296.

GLENDA: OH MY GOD! Oh my God. I’ve got it! Just like Archimedes. I have got it.

TREVOR: What?

GLENDA: We are all dead. The plane crushed at around 10.30 am at the time the captain said it would have, and we’re all flying into the void on board a plane which no longer exists and we no longer exist. We are all DEAD. Just fucking dead. We are all dead.

CLEM: Think about it. None of us are hungry. We are not thirsty. None of us need to go to the toilet which is just as well because there are no toilets on this small tube of an aircraft.

TREVOR: No fuel. No response to radio communication or to mayday calls. The plane is not responding to commands from the controls.

CLEM: So the plane just flew on autopilot until it ran out of fuel. We crushed and burned and here we are deluded about being alive in the afterlife.

MARYANNE: So what now if we are all dead? Do we all arrive somewhere? I mean we must be all flying to heaven or something.

RUSS: I suppose so. We’ll find out I guess.

********

6 December 2014

RADIO NEWS: Memorial services for those killed on Flight 296 have been held in several churches. Aviation experts now view the probable cause of the air accident as carbon monoxide asphyxiation. Known by the chemical symbol CO it is an odourless gas. The passengers and flight crew would have only felt drowsy as they drifted off to an eternal sleep.

AIR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATOR: We will download the black boxes for more information. The indications so far at the crush scene do not point to a mechanical failure.

********

17 January 2015 on board Flight 296

MARYANNE: I always looked forward to entering heaven as a committed Christian but we’ve been on this flight for just on 6 weeks.

CAPTAIN HAYES: (seating inside the passenger cabin) I never believed in an afterlife and certainly not the Christian Heaven.

TREVOR: I had never decided. Never worried that much about religion. If this is the afterlife as it must be then it’s not a very big space to spend eternity. Not even enough room to stand up.

MARYANNE: I don’t think we’ll spend eternity here. Surely not. That’s not what Jesus promised.

15 June 2017 on board Flight 296

CLEM: Well I think it must now be quiet clear. This is whare we are forever. In a pipe basically with little room. This is it. And forever is a very long time.

RUSS: Still it probably beats Hell in its worst versions

TREVOR: How long is forever? A million years? A billion years? No. It is longer than you can ever imagine. Claustrophobia forever. Think of a number and add any number of zeroes behind it and it still doesn’t do justice to the time period involed because it will always fall short of infinity.

CAPTAIN HAYES: Who would have thought that eternal infinity would be had in such an enclosed small space?

23 September 2087 on board Flight 296

GLENDA: Most of the people we know may well have deceased by now. Would be good if we could know or contact them in some way. I was always expecting over all these years that some angel or spiritual guide to fill us in or take us to God or our loved ones. I guess we will never be reunited with loved ones.

3 December 2114 on board Flight 296

TREVOR: Our centenary of the crush today and the first of an infinite number of centuries.

MARYANNE: I feel as though I have been betrayed. The afterlife is just this in this small tube forever. Nothing can be operated, the external doors included.

CLEM: I thought I’d like to just jump out into the whatever but we can’t.

RUSS: Cheer up. This is the first century of many more. All our friends and family have probably deceased and who knows where or what is their reality. But what can we do except look out of the windows? 

GLENDA: Again. 

The Power of Prayer

In a Television studio a couple dressed neatly and looking like born again Christians spreading the word. Mike in an older style suit and Pat is dressed in a twin set. They are co-hosting a Christian news called “Jesus Moves”. After all the top stories of the day the co-hosts segway into the next segment called “The Power of Prayer” featured once a week.

MIKE: At this time each week we like to feature moving stories about the power of prayer as examples of the Lord moving in our lives. Sometimes they will make you laugh. Sometimes they will make you cry. Always you will be moved by the power of the Lord to manifest his power through our prayers.

PAT: Yes indeed Mike. We start off this week with a moving story of a little girl in the mid west plains of America. Little Jessica Callum aged nine prayed to God to make her area more picturesque because she lives on the great plains of visual monotony in the tight knit community of Lesterville. She would like some hills or mountains to admire. And in a really heart warming story God is answering her prayer. A magnitude 7.5 earthquake hit the area uplifting the ground by one metre. Some hundreds of people have been killed in her community and Jessica herself sustained some injuries and is recovering in hospital. The people in her community are very devoted believers. The Reverend Ian Smyth said the people are very thankful.

Crossover to the reverend being interviewed.  

REVEREND: The fact that thousands of people were NOT killed is evidence of the benevolent nature of God and his love for us. God has today saved thousands of lives. This is a very devote community and today we witnessed how God is moved through prayer. This has only increased our love for the Lord. That God should make himself manifest in the life of a child so young is real cause for hope.

Cut to Jessica in her hospital bed.

JESSICA: The mere fact that I was not killed is proof of God and of his love for me. How else can you explain the fact I am alive? My love for God has only increased today.

Cross  to a geologist.  

GEOLOGIST: The earth moved today although it will take longer than little Jessica’s life time to create the beautiful mountain range which will one day rise up in this area.

Back in the studio.

PAT: How about little Jessica saying that the fact she wasn’t killed is proof that God exists and of his love for her?

MIKE: Such wisdom out of the mouths of babes. What a touching story. It’s an example of how God is at work creating beauty in our world for us.

PAT: Yes we can give thanks to all the carnage in the past which went into creating all the beauty we see in the world today. Everywhere we look we can see evidence of God’s love for us in the beauty of landscapes. God today showed his love for the community of Lesterville.

MIKE: God is building them a mountain range. While a certain unnamed other prophet of a certain unnamed other “god” (Mike makes a inverted comas sign with his fingers in the air\) of a certain unnamed other religion may be able to move mountains but ONLY the one true God can actually build them. (Chuckle) The Lord be praised!

PAT: Amen to that. And talking of praise that is what Neil Watson of Columim is doing today after witnessing God answering a prayer to his advantage yesterday. Like so many of us he was frustrated looking for a parking space. I’ll let Neil tell the story in his own words.

Cross over to an interview with Neil

NEIL: I was running late for an important appointment plus I had shopping to do and I had been driving around looking for a park but to no avail. So as I was driving along I closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed that God might find me a parking spot quickly. I opened my eyes and drove on. Suddenly the car in front of me was hit by another car driving a enormous speed that just came out of nowhere and then just vanished. His car was totalled and as I drove around him there was a parking which I pulled into. I realised that for that accident I would never have had that parking space. The parking space would have gone to the car in front instead. God had answered my prayer. So off I went and did my shopping and I made my appointment on time. When I came back to my car the area was filled with the flashing lights of all manner of emergency vehicles. I realised that God moves in mysterious way and that he does answer prayers. I was in a buzz for the rest of the day, walking on light air. I matter to God and he answers my prayers. Oh what a feeling. I am saved! Jesus take me! I’m on my knees! I am yours!

In the studio.

MIKE: And the name of the driver of the other car was Sam Mathers, 39 of Clinchborn. He latter died of his injuries in hospital.

PAT: What an inspirational story.

MIKE: Right you are. It sure is. This just shows how God moves in mysterious ways. When God’s agency works for us it is God’s benevolence and when it’s not it is God moving in mysterious ways. Proof that God truly exists..  

PAT: It sure is. As the good book says. “Ask and you shall receive”.

MIKE: Yes and the fact that Neil closed his eyes to pray while driving shows his faith in the Lord is indeed strong. I tell you the good news is everywhere. And the good news just keeps coming. Pat. Next we have the story of a grandfather close to death and in need of a kidney. His grandchild Kym was so looking forward to presenting him with her present on his birthday in a few weeks. As you know the waiting list for most organs is long and donor organs have to be compatible with the recipient. Clem Richards has been waiting for three years and his health has been deteriorating in all that time in spite of the very best medical care he has been receiving.

PAT: What happened next is truly an act of God answering the prayers of another little girl. It is the touching tale of a little who was able to share the joy of my grandfather’s birthday all thanks to the intersession of a little girl of faith. She had made a gift for his up coming birthday, a birthday Clem was not expected to see.

MIKE: Clem needed a miracle and thanks to his loving granddaughter a miracle was delivered. Clem was on life support and he was not expected to hold on too much longer. All hope vanishing but for the arrival of a suitable kidney. This is where Kym in her nightly prayer before bed asked God to find a kidney for her grandfather so that she could enjoy her grandfather’s birthday. She was so looking forward to the appreciation of her loving grandfather of her handy work in which she had invested many hours of effort. Here is Kym’s mother Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: Kym has always been close to her grandfather. Naturally she was upset when I had to inform her of the serious nature of her pop’s illness and his need for a transplant with no guarantee of a suitable organ donor providing the much needed kidney. I walked past Kym’s bedroom when I saw her kneeling on the floor praying to God and asking that a kidney be found for her grandfather. I smiled and walked on. The next morning at around 4.00 am I was woken from my sleep by a call from the hospital. A kidney was now available. This was a result of a fatal accident in which a heavily pregnant woman had died of injuries along with her baby after being hit by a bus.

Cross to a police spokesman.

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Marie Cornes, 25 was waiting for a bus late at night when the bus veered on to the footpath.

Footage of the police talking to the bus driver. The bus driver talks to the camera.

BUS DRIVER: (Read eyes from crying and shaking) I was just driving pulling in to pick up passengers. The next thing the bus seemed to have a mind of its own. I don’t really know what happened. I couldn’t do a thing. The bus picked up speed and veered on to the footpath side swiping this woman who I could see was pregnant. It was awful.

REPORTER: (To the Police spokesman.) What will happen to the driver?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: The driver has been charged with dangerous driving. A charge of manslaughter may follow. It is likely that he will lose his licence and his income. He has been bailed. At a meeting between the driver and his wife there was tension in the air in what I understand was already a difficult relationship before this incident and it is likely that their marriage is over. Naturally the driver is in an extreme state of distress.

REPORTER: And the woman?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Unfortunately she died at the scene and the baby she was carrying was also lost.

Back in the studio.

PAT: We have further developments on that story. Ms. Cornes was a donor and her organs will be useful to others. Her kidneys were found to be compatible with Clem Richards. It was this news which the hospital where Clem was on life support rang so early in the morning to give to Trudy Tobin the daughter and caregiver of Clem.

MIKE: With this good news an operation was scheduled at the earliest possible moment. Here is more of the interview with Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: The hospital said they had a perfect match for a kidney from a woman who had died that night in an accident. Naturally I was delighted at the death of this woman and opened a bottle of Champagne straight away and we celebrated. The operation occurred a few hours latter and I made my way to the hospital.

CLEM: As you can see I am now out of hospital and quiet fit. No more tubes and no more dialysis 3 or 4 times a week. I can now lead a close to normal life. The doctors expect that I can live a high quality of life for many years. I just need to keep to a course of immune suppressants and undergo periodic biopsies.

Some home made footage of a birthday party with Kym, Trudy and Clem.

TRUDY: Kym and Clem both enjoyed the birthday party last night and Clem just loved the art work Kym had spent so many hours working on. What can I say? God delivers on his promises and he delivers on prayers. Ask and you shall receive. We have Kym to thank for God saving Clem for a few more years by killing that pregnant woman and her baby and destroying the life of the hapless bus driver.

The last scene of the footage is of Clem and Kym embracing before going back to the studio.

PAT: Such a lovely moving story of one girl’s prayer saving her grandfather by God instead taking another life. Life is beautiful. I live for moments like this. Isn’t it just so nice that a little girl prays to God for a kidney for her grandpa and that God can answer her prayer by taking the life of a pregnant woman and running off with a kidney just for Kym’s beloved grandfather?

MIKE: It just tugs at the heart strings. Finally today we have the story of some drought stricken farmers saving by the grace of God answering their prayers. Farmers in Australia have emerged from the longest drought and have had very good rains for the last year. We now know that enough farmers got together to pray to the almighty for rain.

Cross to meteorologist

METEOROLOGIST: The delivery of rain is dependent in large part on the El Nino/La Nina effect of the Pacific Oscillation Current.  When one side of the Pacific warms up relative to the other that side experiences good rains and floods. And vice versa.

Cross to Reverend Turner.

REVEREND TURNER: Which way the oceanic current flows depends on a tug of war of prayers from farmers on both sides of the Pacific. For the moment God is more impressed with the praise and adoration of Australian farmers. This is why American farmers are having such a hard time of drought this year and many face ruin. God has been especially impressed by the church known as Catch the Flame Ministry under the pastorship of Danny Nutter.

DANNY NUTTER: It is good to see La Nina triumphant over El Nino with the water shortages in many American cities and American farmers going to the wall. God does truly move in mysterious ways. This has prospered Australian farmers. God has answered our prayers.

Cross to studio.

PAT: Yes indeed. More evidence that God will move against one group to answer the prayers of another. Ask and you receive. Ask for a miracle and it will be delivered.

MIKE: And that’s all for this week’s segment of The Power of Prayer. God bless. May the Lord answer your prayers. Don’t forget to check out our web site for extended interviews and you can also download this program from the site. We also have inspirational books and DVDs or sale or you click on the link on the home page to donate towards keeping this program on the air.

PAT: Goodbye. May the Lord bless you and keep praying for a miracle..

MIKE: Amen and goodbye.

Closing credits to the tune of the hymn “Lord, Slaughter the little Children”. 

The Heaven of Pointless Labours

Graham had just floated towards a white light. After reaching the light he entered a waiting room and assumed a seat. Off to one side a sculpture of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a slope.

ANGEL: Graham! (Gesturing towards an interview room)

GRAHAM: Yes

ANGEL: Enter please. (Graham proceeds)

ANGEL: So how are you today?

GRAHAM: Well I’m dead so I suppose that’s not a good start to the day.

ANGEL: Yes (chuckles lightly) that’s a common reply. An oldie but a goodie. Now let’s get down to the business of inducting you into the afterlife. You have arrived at the Heaven of Pointless Labours.

GRAHAM: What? The Heaven of Pointless what? You mean there is more than one heaven?

ANGEL: Hold on! Hold on! One question at a time. Yes there are many different types of heavens. There are enough to give to each deathé what they prayed for and to reflect what they put into and got out of life. The clue here is “in heaven as on earth” which is an inversion of “on earth as in heaven”. Not everyone can just go to the one sort of heaven. This heaven, now your heaven for all eternity is called the “Heaven of Pointless Labours”.

GRAHAM: Ah?

ANGEL: Yes. You saw the sculpture of Sisyphus in the waiting room. Are you familiar with his story?

GRAHAM: Only vaguely. Someone pushing a rock up hill or something.

ANGEL: Yes. He had to push a boulder up a hill only for it to roll all the way back down just short of the top and he had to do this for all eternity. Have you heard of Tantalus?

GRAHAM: No.

ANGEL: Tantalus was hungry for all eternity. He had to reach up out of a river to a fruit bearing tree on the river bank but which was always just out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to reach the fruit it was always just out of range.

GRAHAM: So what does any of this have to do with me?

ANGEL: I need to discuss with you what your particular pointless labour will be.

GRAHAM: Which is?

ANGEL: That will be letterboxing. Putting pamphlets in letterboxes forever. For this labour there are an infinite number of streets and an infinite number of suburbs with an infinite number of letterboxes to stuff. There is no end. What is more not one pamphlet will ever be read. All will be discarded as rubbish.

GRAHAM: But why? What did I do to deserve this?

ANGEL: On earth you led a pointless life. You worked hard in a job with no point. Furthermore you recited the Lord’s Prayer Our Father” with the phrase ‘on earth as in heaven’ which means in heaven as on earth. By this you agreed to a contract.

GRAHAM: What?

ANGEL: Oh yes we have the contract on screen and the details of all the times and places you said the Lord’s Prayer. This is a contract. This is it (printing off an example of one for Graham to view). As your life was pointless so your afterlife will also be pointless. Are you aware of the concept of infinity?

GRAHAM: Yes of course.

ANGEL: But are you REALLY aware of what infinity means?

GRAHAM: Just means a number without end like the number of decimal places in Pi.

ANGEL: But do you really know what an infinite number of pamphlets delivered to an infinite number of letterboxes mean? Task without end. Take a googol. That’s not it. Take a googolplex. That’s not it either. Have you heard of Grahams Number?

GRAHAM: I have heard a googol was 10¹⁰⁰ and a googolplex is 10^googol..  Haven’t heard of Grahams Number though.

ANGEL: There was a mathematician by the name of Graham who is no relation to you of course oh pointless one. He posed an esoteric mathematical problem and the answer he came with was unimaginably huge putting the old googol and googolplex into the shade of utter insignificance. There is no way to really imagine how large Graham’s Number is. If you think you understand how large Grahams Number is then you haven’t really understood Grahams Number. Well your work into the infinite future can not be described even by Graham’s Number. Graham’s Number to the power of Graham’s Number would not cover it. In fact a tower of powers of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number in a stake of powers that is Grahams Number high will not cover it. All those pamphlets to be delivered and all of which will never be read. Delivered forever. There is simply no end. EVER! Graham, this is your afterlife.

GRAHAM: What if I do not deliver? What if I simply reject the job?

ANGEL: You can work flexibly to your own routes and at hours which suit you but you can not choose not to work. To do so will cause you too much spiritual torment and such torment can only be relieved by pointless labour. Graham, this is your afterlife. Forever.

GRAHAM: But I never wanted this. I never dreamed that this was what the afterlife would be like.

ANGEL: I have already shown you your contract ‘As on earth so in heaven’ and as your life on earth was pointless so too in heaven your afterlife will be pointless. Now if you would like to proceed to the next waiting room to wait you will set up in your labour. My job of inducting you here is done.

Graham moves to the next waiting area. There are several other new inductees in the room.

MICHAEL: (to Graham) Got your labour then?

GRAHAM: You could say that. Delivering pamphlets to letterboxes and none of them will ever be read.. Joy behold.

MICHAEL: Yes it comes as a bit of a shock. I myself will be selling houses to buyers who will never buy.

GEORGE: I was in one of the helping professions myself and here I will be dispensing advice to clients who will never follow it. Well at least I can see the humour in it. Just like earth, only worse. I never enjoyed work on earth. It seemed so pointless. Yet here in the afterlife I will be working forever for no reason and never for any satisfaction.

MARY: I will be cleaning the rooms of a hotel with an infinite number of rooms and every room guest will find fault with my work. Who would’ve thought that Hilbert’s Hotel existed here in the afterlife.

GRAHAM: Hilbert’s Hotel?

MARY: Yes it was a mathematical thought experiment. A hypothetical hotel with an infinite number of rooms. But now in the afterlife I will be working in an analogue of it forever. I signed a contract that ‘a women’s work is never done’ and that ‘no one is ever satisfied’. That is ‘signed’ in the form of a prayer. The first angel printed off a copy to show me when I gasped in disbelief and horror.

VINCE: I must date women forever and none of them will ever be impressed.

MICHAEL: Well that’s our heaven. Pointless labour for no reason. Still, it could be worse.

GRAHAM: Worse? How? What could be worse than pointless labour?

MICHAEL: You could always land at one of those evangelical heavens or a Marxist one where the need to convert an ‘evil one’ means they will accuse each other of being evil forever. Paranoia forever. Plus who would want to live with those holy rollers. At least when engaged in our pointless labours we can occupy ourselves with a song about evangelicals going to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

(A hearty laugh from all present)

VINCE: I can see you’re going to be the lively cheeky one up here.

MICHAEL: Why not? What else is there to do forever? Apart from our pointless labours that is. I suppose there are heavens where there is nothing to do ever. Forever! He who is walking through manure does at least have his nose above the manure.

GEORGE: I bet that you can find Sisyphus here somewhere. I bet he’s still pushing that rock uphill.

VINCE: And Phil Connors still freezing his butt off in Groundhog Day. (Chuckle)

GEORGE: Except he broke out of it. I don’t think there is any way of us doing that. I mean this isn’t someone’s story or someone’s imagination. This is real. No one could ever write a story like this. Still Groundhog Day was a good movie. Never dreamed that I would be Phil Connors so to speak in the afterlife.

TOM: I will be continuing my work in science but none of my papers will ever be accepted for publication. I am destined to know stuff which no one will believe. You could well call me Cassandra.

MEG: I was a telemarketer and in the afterlife I will be making unsuccessful calls from an infinite database of phone numbers for all eternity. An infinite number of people hanging up on me.

NEW COMER: (just arrived into the room) Well that certainly wasn’t what I expected. An everlasting life? Who needs it?

MICHAEL: Ah never mind. There are better and worse heavens and we were dealt this one.

ANGEL 2: All of you come with me and I’ll assign you your labours. Enjoy your time with us. There is no hurry. We have all the time you’ll ever need.

 And they all lived pointlessly ever after.

The Fortune Teller

A customer at a country fair goes into a purple tent with a maroon door flap. Inside sits Madam Zelda with a cash box to one side and a crystal ball covered by a navy blue felt cloth. The inside layer of the tent is black with red trimmings.

MADAM ZELDA: Good afternoon Sir. Take a seat.

CUSTOMER: Thank you very much. How much will a reading cost?

MADAM ZELDA: Each reading costs $50. I will lay out some cards and then I will gaze into the crystal ball. The $50 covers a 10 minute session. Cash only.

CUSTOMER: Let’s start.

Madam Zelda unveils the crystal ball and lays out some cards.

MADAM ZELDA: (Surprised, shocked) Looking at these cards I think I’ll ask for your money up front before starting.

CUSTOMER: What do you mean?

MADAM ZELDA: Looking at what I can see here it’ll be easier to pay now. It’ll save messing around latter. I will only continue with what I can see if you will hand over payment now.

CUSTOMER: Okay.

The customer hands over a crisp new $50 note.

MADAM ZELDA: Now. This is not a good day for you. In fact it is your last day. This tent will be your place of death in just a few minutes.

CUSTOMER: WHAT!

MADAM ZELDA: In the crystal ball I can see police and ambulance officers swarming over this tent and a police cordon placed over the entrance. I will be massively inconvenienced for days and my visit to this town will have to be cut short.

CUSTOMER: But how?

MADAM ZELDA: Now let’s take a closer look here. I can see the inquest. testimony is being given that the cause of death was a brain embolism. I am also in court. I will be questioned as the last person to see you alive.

CUSTOMER: But how? Why? Ho…..

That was all the customer said. That was his end. The customer’s head drops to the table nearly upending it. Madam Zelda catches the cash box before it slides away.

Signing on for the last leg

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?

CLIENT: I’ve reached middle age and I think it’s time to look forward to the later part of my life.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly sir. You’ve come to the right place. We specialise in all the latter years options.

CLIENT: Well then let’s see what you can offer.

RECEPTIONIST: Let’s see. We have a number. Starting with grey hair, hair loss, hair growth in nostrils and ears, incontinence, lower libido incrementing to impotence, grouchiness, smelliness, loss of energy, poorer eyesight, poorer hearing, easier weight gain, now that’s a good one if you’ve had trouble gaining enough weight, memory loss or an inability to form new memories,  the occasional ache and the slow morphing of your facial features into a cartoon caricature of yourself.

CLIENT: Oh dear. Can you explain the memory one.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. With memory loss you can’t remember yesterday but with poor memory formation you can remember yesterday but you won’t remember today tomorrow. Get it?

CLIENT: Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually they all sound pretty undesirable. I don’t know if I like the sound of any of them.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that all we can offer. If you want to extend your tenure you will usually have to take some of these on board. Can’t do any better than that I’m afraid.

CLIENT: Aren’t there any good things on offer? I mean like life experience valued by others as wisdom, societal memory. Knowledge of lost arts and crafts. That sort of thing.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes but there not much of a market for those commodities these days. You can try to sell those qualities but there’s very little demand I’m afraid. Generally it ends up as excess in the attic.

CLIENT: So that just leaves me with all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff about getting old.

RECEPTIONIST: Pretty well. But that’s life isn’t it?

CLIENT: Well how can I avoid all that stuff you mentioned at the top?

RECEPTIONIST: Well… There is one option but it is not really a popular one at all.

CLIENT: I’m listening with all ears.

RECEPTIONIST: That is a short and generally nasty termination of life tenure in middle age. Avoids all the problems of old age. Only real cure for old age I’m afraid. It’s been a popular option with members of the armed forced since time immemorial and also with those who wanted to live extreme lives like assassins and mountain climbers.

CLIENT: Well that’s not very good. I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure I really need those other thing for longer life tenure.

RECEPTIONIST: That’s the deal the Lord Almighty set out when he opened out the contract with Adam and Eve. You live a long time with a declining physical condition or you die quickly without the pain of decline and without living a full life.

CLIENT: Talk about a pack with the devil. So what’s the best I could do by taking on some of those aliments?

The receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and then looks up at the client.

RECEPTIONIST: You can live to at least 80. You’re in good health with sober habits and all that. You can opt for some angina problems latter and some arthritis. There can also be a prostrate scare. You will of course have to lose most of your hair and what remains will be grey.

CLIENT: I guess I can sign on for that combination. Not completely rosy but hey it’s better than topping yourself mid life.

RECEPTIONIST: An affair with a woman half your age may lift your spirits and make you feel younger.

CLIENT: Yes that may be an interesting diversion. So I’ll take that combination then.

RECEPTIONIST: So that's the angina, the debilitating arthritis, and a prostrate scare, and a mid life affair with a younger woman to lift your spirits. Well that should take you well into your 80’s with only a little dependency.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll sign up for that. About as good as I think I can get.

RECEPTIONIST: Good then. I’ll print that out and you can sign on the dotted line.

CLIENT: Any idea of the exact date of death then?

RECEPTIONIST: No. That’s classified information I’m afraid. But well into your 80s is probable looking at your readout here.

Receptionist hands him some paper and a number.

CLIENT: What’s this?

RECEPTIONIST: That’s your number. Keep it handy. One day you’ll find yourself in the checkout room and that’s the number by which you will be called.

CLIENT: Thank you. Goodbye. (Leaves)

RECEPTIONIST: See ya. (Then raising her head and her voice) NEXT!

An elderly husband and wife couple step up.

HUSBAND: Excuse me we are an old couple. Coming up to our diamond anniversary.

RECEPTIONIST: Well congratulations. That’s a long time.

WIFE: We want to know what you have in the way of medical aliments.

HUSBAND: We’ve had a good life. A nice home, grandchildren and an investment house but we will be moving into a retirement village shortly. The garden is getting beyond us now. We’ve been around the world. And now we think that a very serious illness will round off our life nicely.

WIFE: Well the point is most of our friends come down with serious medical aliments and we thought it’s about time we buy into something of the sort and we just want to know what’s available.

RECEPTIONIST: Well there’s a wide assortment. Depends on exactly what you’re looking for. What sort of end of life illness experience you think would compliment the life you’ve have had.

HUSBAND: We do have full medical insurance so cost will not be an object.

WIFE: We were thinking of a nice cancer. Thelma next door had a very long and protracted pancreas cancer last year and her hubby Harold had a prostrate cancer and that seems to have been a very memorable experience for them. But of course poor Thelma was taken away at the end of it and Harold has had to move into a nursing home, God bless the lovely chap.

RECEPTIONIST: There are a range of cancers to think about but we also have a range of other serious conditions like motor neuron disease although that is more popular with the younger crowd…

WIFE: Oh yes. Beryl had that. Gave her a hell of a time. We might like to consider that one but as you said it is more of a younger person’s disease.

RECEPTIONIST: And then there are the traditional cardiac diseases. Strange group that one. Good for a fast exit or for a slow decline. The exact heart condition can be tailored to your needs. There’s diabetes of course with type 2 becoming more popular these days. And there is Alzheimer’s disease. The disadvantage of that one is that the patient generally can’t enjoy it because they have no memory of it.

HUSBAND: I know a guy who had type 2 diabetes. It gave him kidney, eye and foot problems. Still may be a better way than a cancer and still fairly high prestige.

RECEPTIONIST: I see you there is an element of keeping up with the Jones.

WIFE: Well I would like to get up Maude’s nose with her high manner down her nose snobbery. I’d just like to shove it in her face.

HUSBAND: She just a bit hard to get along with,

WIFE: She a through snob and she enjoys putting other people down.

HUSBAND: What dear?

WIFE: He’s a bit hard of hearing you know.

HUSBAND: What’s that?

WIFE: I said YOU”RE A BIT HARD OF HEARING.

HUSBAND: I know that. What do you have to tell me that?

RECEPTIONIST: Another alternative is brain tumour. An unusual one and it requires the absolute crème de la crème of surgeons.

HUSBAND: That might be what we’re looking for. Something serious but not run of the mill. Something off the top self so to speak. If you have to go you may as well go in style.

WIFE: May as well rub Maud’s face in it. Keep her squirming as we go.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that’s one of you. I assume you want to experience serious illness together.

HUSBAND AND WIFE: Absolutely. (In unison)

 WIFE: Oh yes. We've always done everything together.

RECEPTIONIST: Then what say I give you some of these pamphlets and I’ll give you this little booklet “So You’re Looking for an Illness” for you to peruse over at home.

HUSBAND: That sounds good. We’ll probably be in some time next week to talk it over. See you then.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. See you then.

The Diagnosis - Terminal:

DOCTOR: Unfortunately the prognosis is extremely grave. The cancer is simply far too advanced. I’m afraid there is nothing modern medicine can do for you. I would only give you months. You’ve not much time on this planet. I’m sorry.

PATIENT: What! I can’t believe it.

DOCTOR: Oh yes. You’re a goner. You’re for the chop. You are ascending the 13 steps to the scaffold. You’ve had it. Your wick is simply at its end. It’s see you latter alligator.

PATIENT: But I’m only 44.

DOCTOR: Yes but you’ve had it…mate. You’ll be meeting your doom very soon. That’s it. Pretty soon the grim reaper will come knocking. His shadow is hanging over you as we speak. You won’t celebrate your 45^th birthday.

The patient restlessly removes himself from the chair only to find he needs to sit down again.

PATIENT: (Sobbing). This really has to be the worst day of my life.

DOCTOR: Yes but each day will get worse than the day before until one day soon the very worse of all will happen. You will not get any letup and each day only brings you closer to the last day.

PATIENT: (wiping his eyes). I’m stunned like a mallet.

DOCTOR: You’ll be whacked and pelted, rolled like flour and squeezed flat by the evil fates. You’ll be flung like a cat against the wall at the end of a tether. You are the walking dead. You’ll feel like crows are pecking your eyes and then going for your stomach alive just like Prometheus. This will only get worse.

PATIENT: Well what would you advise?

DOCTOR: My advice would be to soak yourself in high dosages of morphine. I’ll prescribe enough to knock you senseless and incoherent.  You don’t want to be able to make sense of your environment mate because your environment will be a living hell.

PATIENT: My wife…

DOCTOR: …will soon be a widow. Better start planning your funeral now. Think about how you want to be buried or cremated, pine or cedar box and all that sort of thing.

PATIENT: I need some time to allow this to all soak in.

DOCTOR: You haven’t got time mate. You don’t think that Father Time is going to wait while you get used to your appointment with the Grim Reaper.  The great forces of the universe aren’t going to wait for a reluctant deathé to feel comfortable. No sir wee. You’ll just be swept away to your own destiny whether you’re ready or not. So don’t you ‘I need time’ me mate. You’re a goner. You have a death sentence. You’re waiting for your number to be called. You’re in the last reception area. The check out desk. Your final stepping off point. You’re at the end of the line. Last stop. You’ve run out of road mate. Mate, you’re on the plank with a sword pointing into your back behind and the infinite abyss in front.  You’re looking down a very deep well that will be your flight path in the near future. So don’t tell me you want more time mate for the news to soak in. You aint got it. What are you gona do when you feel adjusted? Just curl up and die! That’s what! So why do you need to feel comfortable when the destination is the same? You think passengers aboard a plunging jet gain one extra second life from getting use to the idea?

The doctor is by now getting quiet excited by his own rant.

PATIENT: (Loudly) Hey what about a bit of sympathy? Where’s your compassion? Don’t just stand there ranting and raving to the dying guy “To get used to it”.

DOCTOR: So now you want me to be your social worker holding your hand while you have cry. Well let me tell you it’s not gona get you any extra time. You think I’m gona give you a pass just because the sick budgie is going to fall off his perch? If that’s your game then you can run to one of those dodgy afterlife insurance salesmen in clerical clothe or buy into some other fairy tale fantasy or go to one of those new agey charlatans with their channelling and reincarnations. Or maybe a clairvoyant can pull some sort of bullshit out of thin air. . Whatever! Just don’t go flooding my surgery with your silly tears. I see a procession of death row inmates like you every day. You’re nothing special PRINCESS.

PATIENT: What?

DOCTOR: Oh yes you find yourself alive and think you have some special entitlement not available to the rest of creation. Like a spoilt brat who can’t have his lolly and eat it too.  An entitlement narcissist.

PATIENT: All right! All right! I don’t want to ask for a miracle but what’s going to happen to me?

DOCTOR: After a very exhausting and tiring treatment and palliative care everything you cared about, everything your strove for, everything you achieved would all have been for nothing. In the end it was all pointless and you, a flash in the pan of geological time that you are, will be extinguished along with all your hopes and desires. But hey you came from nothing and you’re going back to nothing. So to quote Monty Python what have you lost? Nothing! So the good news is that you will come out even from the whole deal. The great debt collector will have settled your account.

PATIENT: (Exhibiting nervous body language) I am devastated. This has been a real downer..

DOCTOR: On that point depression is often a problem for the terminally ill. But never mind. Just think how insignificant your life was and what an unbelievably short geological speck of time it occupied. After all every flower soon loses its petals and your flower is now wilting. If you want counselling I can organise it but the counsellors often complain that this patient or that patient didn’t make the appointment or that group sessions are short through non attendance because one member had the temerity to die the previous day. You’re wasting your time mate if you ask me. What’s the point of getting use to the bailiffs of the King Death? They’re not going to change their assignment depending on what sort of therapy you’ve had.

PATIENT: I think I might need some counselling.

DOCTOR: Well I think you’d be wasting your time. It’s not as though it’s going to be a long term investment. No vacancies in any of the grief counselling programs presently. Have to wait for someone to fall off their twig. I might suggest a local laughing club. Here is one of their pamphlets explaining origins of laughing clubs in India, the benefits and their own program complete with contact details. Well that’s about time for today. Fill these prescriptions and see the receptionist on the way out. Goodbye.

PATIENT: Goodbye. (Leaves without properly closing the door)