Signing on for the last leg

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?

CLIENT: I’ve reached middle age and I think it’s time to look forward to the later part of my life.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly sir. You’ve come to the right place. We specialise in all the latter years options.

CLIENT: Well then let’s see what you can offer.

RECEPTIONIST: Let’s see. We have a number. Starting with grey hair, hair loss, hair growth in nostrils and ears, incontinence, lower libido incrementing to impotence, grouchiness, smelliness, loss of energy, poorer eyesight, poorer hearing, easier weight gain, now that’s a good one if you’ve had trouble gaining enough weight, memory loss or an inability to form new memories,  the occasional ache and the slow morphing of your facial features into a cartoon caricature of yourself.

CLIENT: Oh dear. Can you explain the memory one.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. With memory loss you can’t remember yesterday but with poor memory formation you can remember yesterday but you won’t remember today tomorrow. Get it?

CLIENT: Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually they all sound pretty undesirable. I don’t know if I like the sound of any of them.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that all we can offer. If you want to extend your tenure you will usually have to take some of these on board. Can’t do any better than that I’m afraid.

CLIENT: Aren’t there any good things on offer? I mean like life experience valued by others as wisdom, societal memory. Knowledge of lost arts and crafts. That sort of thing.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes but there not much of a market for those commodities these days. You can try to sell those qualities but there’s very little demand I’m afraid. Generally it ends up as excess in the attic.

CLIENT: So that just leaves me with all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff about getting old.

RECEPTIONIST: Pretty well. But that’s life isn’t it?

CLIENT: Well how can I avoid all that stuff you mentioned at the top?

RECEPTIONIST: Well… There is one option but it is not really a popular one at all.

CLIENT: I’m listening with all ears.

RECEPTIONIST: That is a short and generally nasty termination of life tenure in middle age. Avoids all the problems of old age. Only real cure for old age I’m afraid. It’s been a popular option with members of the armed forced since time immemorial and also with those who wanted to live extreme lives like assassins and mountain climbers.

CLIENT: Well that’s not very good. I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure I really need those other thing for longer life tenure.

RECEPTIONIST: That’s the deal the Lord Almighty set out when he opened out the contract with Adam and Eve. You live a long time with a declining physical condition or you die quickly without the pain of decline and without living a full life.

CLIENT: Talk about a pack with the devil. So what’s the best I could do by taking on some of those aliments?

The receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and then looks up at the client.

RECEPTIONIST: You can live to at least 80. You’re in good health with sober habits and all that. You can opt for some angina problems latter and some arthritis. There can also be a prostrate scare. You will of course have to lose most of your hair and what remains will be grey.

CLIENT: I guess I can sign on for that combination. Not completely rosy but hey it’s better than topping yourself mid life.

RECEPTIONIST: An affair with a woman half your age may lift your spirits and make you feel younger.

CLIENT: Yes that may be an interesting diversion. So I’ll take that combination then.

RECEPTIONIST: So that's the angina, the debilitating arthritis, and a prostrate scare, and a mid life affair with a younger woman to lift your spirits. Well that should take you well into your 80’s with only a little dependency.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll sign up for that. About as good as I think I can get.

RECEPTIONIST: Good then. I’ll print that out and you can sign on the dotted line.

CLIENT: Any idea of the exact date of death then?

RECEPTIONIST: No. That’s classified information I’m afraid. But well into your 80s is probable looking at your readout here.

Receptionist hands him some paper and a number.

CLIENT: What’s this?

RECEPTIONIST: That’s your number. Keep it handy. One day you’ll find yourself in the checkout room and that’s the number by which you will be called.

CLIENT: Thank you. Goodbye. (Leaves)

RECEPTIONIST: See ya. (Then raising her head and her voice) NEXT!

An elderly husband and wife couple step up.

HUSBAND: Excuse me we are an old couple. Coming up to our diamond anniversary.

RECEPTIONIST: Well congratulations. That’s a long time.

WIFE: We want to know what you have in the way of medical aliments.

HUSBAND: We’ve had a good life. A nice home, grandchildren and an investment house but we will be moving into a retirement village shortly. The garden is getting beyond us now. We’ve been around the world. And now we think that a very serious illness will round off our life nicely.

WIFE: Well the point is most of our friends come down with serious medical aliments and we thought it’s about time we buy into something of the sort and we just want to know what’s available.

RECEPTIONIST: Well there’s a wide assortment. Depends on exactly what you’re looking for. What sort of end of life illness experience you think would compliment the life you’ve have had.

HUSBAND: We do have full medical insurance so cost will not be an object.

WIFE: We were thinking of a nice cancer. Thelma next door had a very long and protracted pancreas cancer last year and her hubby Harold had a prostrate cancer and that seems to have been a very memorable experience for them. But of course poor Thelma was taken away at the end of it and Harold has had to move into a nursing home, God bless the lovely chap.

RECEPTIONIST: There are a range of cancers to think about but we also have a range of other serious conditions like motor neuron disease although that is more popular with the younger crowd…

WIFE: Oh yes. Beryl had that. Gave her a hell of a time. We might like to consider that one but as you said it is more of a younger person’s disease.

RECEPTIONIST: And then there are the traditional cardiac diseases. Strange group that one. Good for a fast exit or for a slow decline. The exact heart condition can be tailored to your needs. There’s diabetes of course with type 2 becoming more popular these days. And there is Alzheimer’s disease. The disadvantage of that one is that the patient generally can’t enjoy it because they have no memory of it.

HUSBAND: I know a guy who had type 2 diabetes. It gave him kidney, eye and foot problems. Still may be a better way than a cancer and still fairly high prestige.

RECEPTIONIST: I see you there is an element of keeping up with the Jones.

WIFE: Well I would like to get up Maude’s nose with her high manner down her nose snobbery. I’d just like to shove it in her face.

HUSBAND: She just a bit hard to get along with,

WIFE: She a through snob and she enjoys putting other people down.

HUSBAND: What dear?

WIFE: He’s a bit hard of hearing you know.

HUSBAND: What’s that?

WIFE: I said YOU”RE A BIT HARD OF HEARING.

HUSBAND: I know that. What do you have to tell me that?

RECEPTIONIST: Another alternative is brain tumour. An unusual one and it requires the absolute crème de la crème of surgeons.

HUSBAND: That might be what we’re looking for. Something serious but not run of the mill. Something off the top self so to speak. If you have to go you may as well go in style.

WIFE: May as well rub Maud’s face in it. Keep her squirming as we go.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that’s one of you. I assume you want to experience serious illness together.

HUSBAND AND WIFE: Absolutely. (In unison)

 WIFE: Oh yes. We've always done everything together.

RECEPTIONIST: Then what say I give you some of these pamphlets and I’ll give you this little booklet “So You’re Looking for an Illness” for you to peruse over at home.

HUSBAND: That sounds good. We’ll probably be in some time next week to talk it over. See you then.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. See you then.