The Heaven of Pointless Labours

Graham had just floated towards a white light. After reaching the light he entered a waiting room and assumed a seat. Off to one side a sculpture of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a slope.

ANGEL: Graham! (Gesturing towards an interview room)

GRAHAM: Yes

ANGEL: Enter please. (Graham proceeds)

ANGEL: So how are you today?

GRAHAM: Well I’m dead so I suppose that’s not a good start to the day.

ANGEL: Yes (chuckles lightly) that’s a common reply. An oldie but a goodie. Now let’s get down to the business of inducting you into the afterlife. You have arrived at the Heaven of Pointless Labours.

GRAHAM: What? The Heaven of Pointless what? You mean there is more than one heaven?

ANGEL: Hold on! Hold on! One question at a time. Yes there are many different types of heavens. There are enough to give to each deathé what they prayed for and to reflect what they put into and got out of life. The clue here is “in heaven as on earth” which is an inversion of “on earth as in heaven”. Not everyone can just go to the one sort of heaven. This heaven, now your heaven for all eternity is called the “Heaven of Pointless Labours”.

GRAHAM: Ah?

ANGEL: Yes. You saw the sculpture of Sisyphus in the waiting room. Are you familiar with his story?

GRAHAM: Only vaguely. Someone pushing a rock up hill or something.

ANGEL: Yes. He had to push a boulder up a hill only for it to roll all the way back down just short of the top and he had to do this for all eternity. Have you heard of Tantalus?

GRAHAM: No.

ANGEL: Tantalus was hungry for all eternity. He had to reach up out of a river to a fruit bearing tree on the river bank but which was always just out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to reach the fruit it was always just out of range.

GRAHAM: So what does any of this have to do with me?

ANGEL: I need to discuss with you what your particular pointless labour will be.

GRAHAM: Which is?

ANGEL: That will be letterboxing. Putting pamphlets in letterboxes forever. For this labour there are an infinite number of streets and an infinite number of suburbs with an infinite number of letterboxes to stuff. There is no end. What is more not one pamphlet will ever be read. All will be discarded as rubbish.

GRAHAM: But why? What did I do to deserve this?

ANGEL: On earth you led a pointless life. You worked hard in a job with no point. Furthermore you recited the Lord’s Prayer Our Father” with the phrase ‘on earth as in heaven’ which means in heaven as on earth. By this you agreed to a contract.

GRAHAM: What?

ANGEL: Oh yes we have the contract on screen and the details of all the times and places you said the Lord’s Prayer. This is a contract. This is it (printing off an example of one for Graham to view). As your life was pointless so your afterlife will also be pointless. Are you aware of the concept of infinity?

GRAHAM: Yes of course.

ANGEL: But are you REALLY aware of what infinity means?

GRAHAM: Just means a number without end like the number of decimal places in Pi.

ANGEL: But do you really know what an infinite number of pamphlets delivered to an infinite number of letterboxes mean? Task without end. Take a googol. That’s not it. Take a googolplex. That’s not it either. Have you heard of Grahams Number?

GRAHAM: I have heard a googol was 10¹⁰⁰ and a googolplex is 10^googol..  Haven’t heard of Grahams Number though.

ANGEL: There was a mathematician by the name of Graham who is no relation to you of course oh pointless one. He posed an esoteric mathematical problem and the answer he came with was unimaginably huge putting the old googol and googolplex into the shade of utter insignificance. There is no way to really imagine how large Graham’s Number is. If you think you understand how large Grahams Number is then you haven’t really understood Grahams Number. Well your work into the infinite future can not be described even by Graham’s Number. Graham’s Number to the power of Graham’s Number would not cover it. In fact a tower of powers of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number in a stake of powers that is Grahams Number high will not cover it. All those pamphlets to be delivered and all of which will never be read. Delivered forever. There is simply no end. EVER! Graham, this is your afterlife.

GRAHAM: What if I do not deliver? What if I simply reject the job?

ANGEL: You can work flexibly to your own routes and at hours which suit you but you can not choose not to work. To do so will cause you too much spiritual torment and such torment can only be relieved by pointless labour. Graham, this is your afterlife. Forever.

GRAHAM: But I never wanted this. I never dreamed that this was what the afterlife would be like.

ANGEL: I have already shown you your contract ‘As on earth so in heaven’ and as your life on earth was pointless so too in heaven your afterlife will be pointless. Now if you would like to proceed to the next waiting room to wait you will set up in your labour. My job of inducting you here is done.

Graham moves to the next waiting area. There are several other new inductees in the room.

MICHAEL: (to Graham) Got your labour then?

GRAHAM: You could say that. Delivering pamphlets to letterboxes and none of them will ever be read.. Joy behold.

MICHAEL: Yes it comes as a bit of a shock. I myself will be selling houses to buyers who will never buy.

GEORGE: I was in one of the helping professions myself and here I will be dispensing advice to clients who will never follow it. Well at least I can see the humour in it. Just like earth, only worse. I never enjoyed work on earth. It seemed so pointless. Yet here in the afterlife I will be working forever for no reason and never for any satisfaction.

MARY: I will be cleaning the rooms of a hotel with an infinite number of rooms and every room guest will find fault with my work. Who would’ve thought that Hilbert’s Hotel existed here in the afterlife.

GRAHAM: Hilbert’s Hotel?

MARY: Yes it was a mathematical thought experiment. A hypothetical hotel with an infinite number of rooms. But now in the afterlife I will be working in an analogue of it forever. I signed a contract that ‘a women’s work is never done’ and that ‘no one is ever satisfied’. That is ‘signed’ in the form of a prayer. The first angel printed off a copy to show me when I gasped in disbelief and horror.

VINCE: I must date women forever and none of them will ever be impressed.

MICHAEL: Well that’s our heaven. Pointless labour for no reason. Still, it could be worse.

GRAHAM: Worse? How? What could be worse than pointless labour?

MICHAEL: You could always land at one of those evangelical heavens or a Marxist one where the need to convert an ‘evil one’ means they will accuse each other of being evil forever. Paranoia forever. Plus who would want to live with those holy rollers. At least when engaged in our pointless labours we can occupy ourselves with a song about evangelicals going to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

(A hearty laugh from all present)

VINCE: I can see you’re going to be the lively cheeky one up here.

MICHAEL: Why not? What else is there to do forever? Apart from our pointless labours that is. I suppose there are heavens where there is nothing to do ever. Forever! He who is walking through manure does at least have his nose above the manure.

GEORGE: I bet that you can find Sisyphus here somewhere. I bet he’s still pushing that rock uphill.

VINCE: And Phil Connors still freezing his butt off in Groundhog Day. (Chuckle)

GEORGE: Except he broke out of it. I don’t think there is any way of us doing that. I mean this isn’t someone’s story or someone’s imagination. This is real. No one could ever write a story like this. Still Groundhog Day was a good movie. Never dreamed that I would be Phil Connors so to speak in the afterlife.

TOM: I will be continuing my work in science but none of my papers will ever be accepted for publication. I am destined to know stuff which no one will believe. You could well call me Cassandra.

MEG: I was a telemarketer and in the afterlife I will be making unsuccessful calls from an infinite database of phone numbers for all eternity. An infinite number of people hanging up on me.

NEW COMER: (just arrived into the room) Well that certainly wasn’t what I expected. An everlasting life? Who needs it?

MICHAEL: Ah never mind. There are better and worse heavens and we were dealt this one.

ANGEL 2: All of you come with me and I’ll assign you your labours. Enjoy your time with us. There is no hurry. We have all the time you’ll ever need.

 And they all lived pointlessly ever after.

Signing on for the last leg

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?

CLIENT: I’ve reached middle age and I think it’s time to look forward to the later part of my life.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly sir. You’ve come to the right place. We specialise in all the latter years options.

CLIENT: Well then let’s see what you can offer.

RECEPTIONIST: Let’s see. We have a number. Starting with grey hair, hair loss, hair growth in nostrils and ears, incontinence, lower libido incrementing to impotence, grouchiness, smelliness, loss of energy, poorer eyesight, poorer hearing, easier weight gain, now that’s a good one if you’ve had trouble gaining enough weight, memory loss or an inability to form new memories,  the occasional ache and the slow morphing of your facial features into a cartoon caricature of yourself.

CLIENT: Oh dear. Can you explain the memory one.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. With memory loss you can’t remember yesterday but with poor memory formation you can remember yesterday but you won’t remember today tomorrow. Get it?

CLIENT: Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually they all sound pretty undesirable. I don’t know if I like the sound of any of them.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that all we can offer. If you want to extend your tenure you will usually have to take some of these on board. Can’t do any better than that I’m afraid.

CLIENT: Aren’t there any good things on offer? I mean like life experience valued by others as wisdom, societal memory. Knowledge of lost arts and crafts. That sort of thing.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes but there not much of a market for those commodities these days. You can try to sell those qualities but there’s very little demand I’m afraid. Generally it ends up as excess in the attic.

CLIENT: So that just leaves me with all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff about getting old.

RECEPTIONIST: Pretty well. But that’s life isn’t it?

CLIENT: Well how can I avoid all that stuff you mentioned at the top?

RECEPTIONIST: Well… There is one option but it is not really a popular one at all.

CLIENT: I’m listening with all ears.

RECEPTIONIST: That is a short and generally nasty termination of life tenure in middle age. Avoids all the problems of old age. Only real cure for old age I’m afraid. It’s been a popular option with members of the armed forced since time immemorial and also with those who wanted to live extreme lives like assassins and mountain climbers.

CLIENT: Well that’s not very good. I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure I really need those other thing for longer life tenure.

RECEPTIONIST: That’s the deal the Lord Almighty set out when he opened out the contract with Adam and Eve. You live a long time with a declining physical condition or you die quickly without the pain of decline and without living a full life.

CLIENT: Talk about a pack with the devil. So what’s the best I could do by taking on some of those aliments?

The receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and then looks up at the client.

RECEPTIONIST: You can live to at least 80. You’re in good health with sober habits and all that. You can opt for some angina problems latter and some arthritis. There can also be a prostrate scare. You will of course have to lose most of your hair and what remains will be grey.

CLIENT: I guess I can sign on for that combination. Not completely rosy but hey it’s better than topping yourself mid life.

RECEPTIONIST: An affair with a woman half your age may lift your spirits and make you feel younger.

CLIENT: Yes that may be an interesting diversion. So I’ll take that combination then.

RECEPTIONIST: So that's the angina, the debilitating arthritis, and a prostrate scare, and a mid life affair with a younger woman to lift your spirits. Well that should take you well into your 80’s with only a little dependency.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll sign up for that. About as good as I think I can get.

RECEPTIONIST: Good then. I’ll print that out and you can sign on the dotted line.

CLIENT: Any idea of the exact date of death then?

RECEPTIONIST: No. That’s classified information I’m afraid. But well into your 80s is probable looking at your readout here.

Receptionist hands him some paper and a number.

CLIENT: What’s this?

RECEPTIONIST: That’s your number. Keep it handy. One day you’ll find yourself in the checkout room and that’s the number by which you will be called.

CLIENT: Thank you. Goodbye. (Leaves)

RECEPTIONIST: See ya. (Then raising her head and her voice) NEXT!

An elderly husband and wife couple step up.

HUSBAND: Excuse me we are an old couple. Coming up to our diamond anniversary.

RECEPTIONIST: Well congratulations. That’s a long time.

WIFE: We want to know what you have in the way of medical aliments.

HUSBAND: We’ve had a good life. A nice home, grandchildren and an investment house but we will be moving into a retirement village shortly. The garden is getting beyond us now. We’ve been around the world. And now we think that a very serious illness will round off our life nicely.

WIFE: Well the point is most of our friends come down with serious medical aliments and we thought it’s about time we buy into something of the sort and we just want to know what’s available.

RECEPTIONIST: Well there’s a wide assortment. Depends on exactly what you’re looking for. What sort of end of life illness experience you think would compliment the life you’ve have had.

HUSBAND: We do have full medical insurance so cost will not be an object.

WIFE: We were thinking of a nice cancer. Thelma next door had a very long and protracted pancreas cancer last year and her hubby Harold had a prostrate cancer and that seems to have been a very memorable experience for them. But of course poor Thelma was taken away at the end of it and Harold has had to move into a nursing home, God bless the lovely chap.

RECEPTIONIST: There are a range of cancers to think about but we also have a range of other serious conditions like motor neuron disease although that is more popular with the younger crowd…

WIFE: Oh yes. Beryl had that. Gave her a hell of a time. We might like to consider that one but as you said it is more of a younger person’s disease.

RECEPTIONIST: And then there are the traditional cardiac diseases. Strange group that one. Good for a fast exit or for a slow decline. The exact heart condition can be tailored to your needs. There’s diabetes of course with type 2 becoming more popular these days. And there is Alzheimer’s disease. The disadvantage of that one is that the patient generally can’t enjoy it because they have no memory of it.

HUSBAND: I know a guy who had type 2 diabetes. It gave him kidney, eye and foot problems. Still may be a better way than a cancer and still fairly high prestige.

RECEPTIONIST: I see you there is an element of keeping up with the Jones.

WIFE: Well I would like to get up Maude’s nose with her high manner down her nose snobbery. I’d just like to shove it in her face.

HUSBAND: She just a bit hard to get along with,

WIFE: She a through snob and she enjoys putting other people down.

HUSBAND: What dear?

WIFE: He’s a bit hard of hearing you know.

HUSBAND: What’s that?

WIFE: I said YOU”RE A BIT HARD OF HEARING.

HUSBAND: I know that. What do you have to tell me that?

RECEPTIONIST: Another alternative is brain tumour. An unusual one and it requires the absolute crème de la crème of surgeons.

HUSBAND: That might be what we’re looking for. Something serious but not run of the mill. Something off the top self so to speak. If you have to go you may as well go in style.

WIFE: May as well rub Maud’s face in it. Keep her squirming as we go.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that’s one of you. I assume you want to experience serious illness together.

HUSBAND AND WIFE: Absolutely. (In unison)

 WIFE: Oh yes. We've always done everything together.

RECEPTIONIST: Then what say I give you some of these pamphlets and I’ll give you this little booklet “So You’re Looking for an Illness” for you to peruse over at home.

HUSBAND: That sounds good. We’ll probably be in some time next week to talk it over. See you then.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. See you then.