The Heaven of Pointless Labours

Graham had just floated towards a white light. After reaching the light he entered a waiting room and assumed a seat. Off to one side a sculpture of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a slope.

ANGEL: Graham! (Gesturing towards an interview room)

GRAHAM: Yes

ANGEL: Enter please. (Graham proceeds)

ANGEL: So how are you today?

GRAHAM: Well I’m dead so I suppose that’s not a good start to the day.

ANGEL: Yes (chuckles lightly) that’s a common reply. An oldie but a goodie. Now let’s get down to the business of inducting you into the afterlife. You have arrived at the Heaven of Pointless Labours.

GRAHAM: What? The Heaven of Pointless what? You mean there is more than one heaven?

ANGEL: Hold on! Hold on! One question at a time. Yes there are many different types of heavens. There are enough to give to each deathé what they prayed for and to reflect what they put into and got out of life. The clue here is “in heaven as on earth” which is an inversion of “on earth as in heaven”. Not everyone can just go to the one sort of heaven. This heaven, now your heaven for all eternity is called the “Heaven of Pointless Labours”.

GRAHAM: Ah?

ANGEL: Yes. You saw the sculpture of Sisyphus in the waiting room. Are you familiar with his story?

GRAHAM: Only vaguely. Someone pushing a rock up hill or something.

ANGEL: Yes. He had to push a boulder up a hill only for it to roll all the way back down just short of the top and he had to do this for all eternity. Have you heard of Tantalus?

GRAHAM: No.

ANGEL: Tantalus was hungry for all eternity. He had to reach up out of a river to a fruit bearing tree on the river bank but which was always just out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to reach the fruit it was always just out of range.

GRAHAM: So what does any of this have to do with me?

ANGEL: I need to discuss with you what your particular pointless labour will be.

GRAHAM: Which is?

ANGEL: That will be letterboxing. Putting pamphlets in letterboxes forever. For this labour there are an infinite number of streets and an infinite number of suburbs with an infinite number of letterboxes to stuff. There is no end. What is more not one pamphlet will ever be read. All will be discarded as rubbish.

GRAHAM: But why? What did I do to deserve this?

ANGEL: On earth you led a pointless life. You worked hard in a job with no point. Furthermore you recited the Lord’s Prayer Our Father” with the phrase ‘on earth as in heaven’ which means in heaven as on earth. By this you agreed to a contract.

GRAHAM: What?

ANGEL: Oh yes we have the contract on screen and the details of all the times and places you said the Lord’s Prayer. This is a contract. This is it (printing off an example of one for Graham to view). As your life was pointless so your afterlife will also be pointless. Are you aware of the concept of infinity?

GRAHAM: Yes of course.

ANGEL: But are you REALLY aware of what infinity means?

GRAHAM: Just means a number without end like the number of decimal places in Pi.

ANGEL: But do you really know what an infinite number of pamphlets delivered to an infinite number of letterboxes mean? Task without end. Take a googol. That’s not it. Take a googolplex. That’s not it either. Have you heard of Grahams Number?

GRAHAM: I have heard a googol was 10¹⁰⁰ and a googolplex is 10^googol..  Haven’t heard of Grahams Number though.

ANGEL: There was a mathematician by the name of Graham who is no relation to you of course oh pointless one. He posed an esoteric mathematical problem and the answer he came with was unimaginably huge putting the old googol and googolplex into the shade of utter insignificance. There is no way to really imagine how large Graham’s Number is. If you think you understand how large Grahams Number is then you haven’t really understood Grahams Number. Well your work into the infinite future can not be described even by Graham’s Number. Graham’s Number to the power of Graham’s Number would not cover it. In fact a tower of powers of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number in a stake of powers that is Grahams Number high will not cover it. All those pamphlets to be delivered and all of which will never be read. Delivered forever. There is simply no end. EVER! Graham, this is your afterlife.

GRAHAM: What if I do not deliver? What if I simply reject the job?

ANGEL: You can work flexibly to your own routes and at hours which suit you but you can not choose not to work. To do so will cause you too much spiritual torment and such torment can only be relieved by pointless labour. Graham, this is your afterlife. Forever.

GRAHAM: But I never wanted this. I never dreamed that this was what the afterlife would be like.

ANGEL: I have already shown you your contract ‘As on earth so in heaven’ and as your life on earth was pointless so too in heaven your afterlife will be pointless. Now if you would like to proceed to the next waiting room to wait you will set up in your labour. My job of inducting you here is done.

Graham moves to the next waiting area. There are several other new inductees in the room.

MICHAEL: (to Graham) Got your labour then?

GRAHAM: You could say that. Delivering pamphlets to letterboxes and none of them will ever be read.. Joy behold.

MICHAEL: Yes it comes as a bit of a shock. I myself will be selling houses to buyers who will never buy.

GEORGE: I was in one of the helping professions myself and here I will be dispensing advice to clients who will never follow it. Well at least I can see the humour in it. Just like earth, only worse. I never enjoyed work on earth. It seemed so pointless. Yet here in the afterlife I will be working forever for no reason and never for any satisfaction.

MARY: I will be cleaning the rooms of a hotel with an infinite number of rooms and every room guest will find fault with my work. Who would’ve thought that Hilbert’s Hotel existed here in the afterlife.

GRAHAM: Hilbert’s Hotel?

MARY: Yes it was a mathematical thought experiment. A hypothetical hotel with an infinite number of rooms. But now in the afterlife I will be working in an analogue of it forever. I signed a contract that ‘a women’s work is never done’ and that ‘no one is ever satisfied’. That is ‘signed’ in the form of a prayer. The first angel printed off a copy to show me when I gasped in disbelief and horror.

VINCE: I must date women forever and none of them will ever be impressed.

MICHAEL: Well that’s our heaven. Pointless labour for no reason. Still, it could be worse.

GRAHAM: Worse? How? What could be worse than pointless labour?

MICHAEL: You could always land at one of those evangelical heavens or a Marxist one where the need to convert an ‘evil one’ means they will accuse each other of being evil forever. Paranoia forever. Plus who would want to live with those holy rollers. At least when engaged in our pointless labours we can occupy ourselves with a song about evangelicals going to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

(A hearty laugh from all present)

VINCE: I can see you’re going to be the lively cheeky one up here.

MICHAEL: Why not? What else is there to do forever? Apart from our pointless labours that is. I suppose there are heavens where there is nothing to do ever. Forever! He who is walking through manure does at least have his nose above the manure.

GEORGE: I bet that you can find Sisyphus here somewhere. I bet he’s still pushing that rock uphill.

VINCE: And Phil Connors still freezing his butt off in Groundhog Day. (Chuckle)

GEORGE: Except he broke out of it. I don’t think there is any way of us doing that. I mean this isn’t someone’s story or someone’s imagination. This is real. No one could ever write a story like this. Still Groundhog Day was a good movie. Never dreamed that I would be Phil Connors so to speak in the afterlife.

TOM: I will be continuing my work in science but none of my papers will ever be accepted for publication. I am destined to know stuff which no one will believe. You could well call me Cassandra.

MEG: I was a telemarketer and in the afterlife I will be making unsuccessful calls from an infinite database of phone numbers for all eternity. An infinite number of people hanging up on me.

NEW COMER: (just arrived into the room) Well that certainly wasn’t what I expected. An everlasting life? Who needs it?

MICHAEL: Ah never mind. There are better and worse heavens and we were dealt this one.

ANGEL 2: All of you come with me and I’ll assign you your labours. Enjoy your time with us. There is no hurry. We have all the time you’ll ever need.

 And they all lived pointlessly ever after.