Jonah

(The reluctant prophet has purchased a ticket to …anywhere, bloody anywhere. Our prophetic friend is embarking the ship and passing a sign posted by the captain “No gods allowed”).

CAPTAIN: Welcome aboard.

JONAH: Thank you. What’s that? (Pointing to the sign)

CAPTAIN: I’ve had enough of them. Blowing my ship around and causing no end of trouble. I tell you there’s been nothing but trouble in this world since they started interfering in the affairs of men. I won’t stand for them. No way. So now I have a rule that all passengers must leave their gods behind.

JONAH: Well as a matter of fact….(Not wanting to disclose his history with his god decides that discretion is the better part of valour and cuts short his sentence)

CAPTAIN: As a matter of fact….what?

JONAH: Oh nothing.

CAPTAIN: No you were going to say something.

JONAH: Doesn’t matter. I’ll make my way to my cabin if you don’t mind.

CAPTAIN: Well dinner is at 6.00 pm. I’ll see you then.

****

JONAH: (To diary) I hope now I have shaken off my god. A stalker with supernatural powers I do not need. The madness of Isaiah and Ezekiel; the imprisonment of Jeremiah – NO THANK YOU!!! Nearly let slip to that captain that I was on the run from YHWH.

DIARY: (Jonah imagines his diary talking back).  I’m all weighed down with your thoughts on your god. Hopefully now you’re escaping your stalker you’ll be able to share some happier musings with me.

****

A few days latter on deck. Jonah is enjoying the cruise and company of fellow travellers. But now the weather is threatening.

PASSENGER 1: So we have had some lovely weather.

PASSENGER 2: We been lucky. But I don’t know about what to make of those clouds on the horizon. (Turning to one side he faces Jonah and addresses him.) You’ve been pretty quiet. You’re very pensive and reflective. But what brings you out to the high seas?

JONAH: I’m running away from something.

PAGGENGER 1: Aren’t we all?

PASSENGER 2: Indeed. But at least I have an alibi. I am actually taking some casks of wine to Spain and a few other nick knacks to trade but basically I can’t settle too long in one place. I’m restless. How could I til some land while wondering what’s over the hill. BORING! So what is it exactly that you’re running away from?

JONAH: I’d rather not say.

PASSENGER 2: Oh come on. You’ve got us intrigued.

JONAH: No it’s too complicated. Let’s just say I hope I’m not being followed.

PASSENGER 2: OK but we’ll work on prying that little secret away from your bosom. We’re all very curious.

JONAH: Excuse me but I have to be getting back to my cabin.

Jonah makes his way along the deck passing by the “No gods allowed” sign.

****

A few hours latter Jonah is starting to feel unwell. It may be sea sickness or the general nervousness that comes with being stalked. He hasn’t been the best for days. Our nervous friend makes his way to the rail outside and notices it is somewhat rough.

JONAH: BLERRRR….. (Leans over the rail vomiting. He is pulled up by the captain)

CAPTAIN: I want a word with you.

JONAH: What?

CAPTAIN: You heard. (A wave splashes onto the deck.) Come with me.

JONAH: You sound serious. (Walking with the captain)

CAPTAIN: I’m gathering all the passengers for an interrogation. I want to know how we find ourselves facing a storm.

At that moment both the captain and Jonah nearly lose their balance. They arrive to join the others inside the dining room.

CAPTAIN: We are facing a storm that we and the ship may not survive. My on board god detector clearly shows there is a god at work on board and all of us have a hunch that you’re the culprit. (Pointing to Jonah)

 JONAH: Look I haven’t done anything. I’m trying to run away from him.

CAPTAIN: What has been happening out here with laws of physics being bent clearly fits the profile of YHWH and you’re from Palestine. I’ve come across that son of a bitch before and he is a most unpleasant one. Don’t worry. I come across most of them, Asharah, Nebu, Dag, Baal, Abimolech to say nothing of the cantankerous mob of Greek gods. All those atrocities, all those cities and all those first borns. The blood and slaughter.  Well I want none of that and I want none of him. Give a 2 year old supernatural powers and what you have is something like your YHWH. There’s nothing quiet like a spoilt brat with supernatural powers. And what did I make clear to everyone as they boarded the ship? I clearly stated my policy of no gods allowed. Look at the sign. I tell you I just don’t need them. What with pirates, taxes, insurance and labour issues the last thing I need is some god almighty getting on my whack. And what happens? You have to bring your god. (Turning from Jonah to face everyone) There’s always one. Always one.

JONAH: I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to cause problems for everyone.

CAPTAIN: No wonder you were so evasive on your first day. No wonder you didn’t seem to be particularly sociable. You hide a secret that big and then plead you ‘didn’t mean too’. Well I’ve had it with you. I don’t care. You’re going over the side along with your god.

The captain, with the assistance from some of the passengers drag Jonah to the rail with his feet dragging along the deck. They roll  him over the rail and a splash is heard as he drops him into the sea. The storm subsequently subsides.

****

Jonah wakes up on a beach covered in slime and what smells like stomach acids.

JONAH: (Looking skywards) Why are you tormenting me?

YHWH: Why are you avoiding me? I have a job for you.

JONAH: (Incredulous at what seems like a stupid question) Why am I avoiding you? That’s rich coming from you. Why do you think? You send Isaiah naked into the desert naked for 3 years, You get Ezekiel to do all sort of weird psychedelic stuff with some pretty unpleasant body fluids and you torment Jeremiah into making him wear the same underwear for 6 months and then you get him imprisoned. Look I’m not offensive. I just don’t think I’m up to the task of being your battle crier. I just want a quiet life. I don’t want to do all that weird stuff. You have a reputation of not looking after your prophets very well.

YHWH: You’ll do what I want or I’ll fling you against those cliffs over there and break your back in 3 places. Crows will pick over your remains eating tit bits while you’re still alive. And when I’ve finished with you I’ll start on your family. You’ll do what I want and you’ll be happy about doing it. Do you understand? You with me boy? You will pay me due reverence. I promise you that you will carry out your task in good faith or help me or I won’t be responsible for my actions. If you fail me I’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth. I WILL PREVAIL! THY WILL BE DONE! I WILL TRIUMPH. I will break the other gods like sticks. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! Look what I did to King David and he was one of my favourites. You’re just a pimple on a shoulder which has come to a head and what I can to David and can do to you a hundred times over.

JONAH: (Traumatised and trembling) Okay. Okay. I’ll do what you want.

YHWH:  Now the people of Nineveh have forgotten me. They have become attracted to other gods. like that bitch Asharah and the very disgusting Nebu. Those other gods defile me. They are abominations. The people of Nineveh have not been keeping my laws. Nineveh is to be destroyed and I want you to ask the good citizens of that city to repent and bow down before my altar. They will make burnt offerings for I love the smell of burning flesh. If they will not offer me burnt offerings I will make a burnt offering of them to give to those abhorrent goods. I want the people of Nineveh to forego their luxuries and high fashion. They are instead to don sack bags and cover themselves in ashes as in a funeral rite.

JONAH: But I’m a shy guy. What if they don’t believe me or think that I’m nuts? What if they imprison me like Jeremiah.

YHWH: Jonah, remember what I’ve just said. Whatever the people of Nineveh can do to you will be as nothing compared to what I will do to you if you do not keep your promise. I will keep my promise to you by following up with the promised consequences for you in the event of failure. So go off now towards Nineveh and warn the good people there what they can expect. But first wash yourself. You smell of fish.

****

After many months on the road facing dangers Jonah finally arrives at Nineveh and sets up a soap box in a market square.

JONAH: People of Nineveh I come to your fair city with a message and a warning. Nineveh is to be destroyed because you have been neglecting YHWH. You have been cavorting with other gods. You have not been keeping his law. You have not been making burnt offerings to his altar and YHWH has promised that if you do not make burnt offerings to him he will make a burnt offering of you. The LORD loves the smell of burning flesh.

MARKET GOER 1: Go away.

MARKET GOER 2: Have they emptied the loony bin?

MARKET GOER 3: Maybe we can make of burnt offering of him.

General laughter is heard from the small crowd.

JONAH: But you can appease YHWH. He wants you to give away your fine treasures and fine clothes and instead wear sack cloths and cover yourselves with ashes. I have been sent hundred of miles to deliver this message to you.  

MARKET GOER 1: Perhaps you can go back.

MARKET GOER 3: Here here.

JONAH: Nineveh is a large and proud city but YHWH wants the good people here to prostrate themselves before his greatness for he has earmarked this fine city of yours for destruction. All is doom. You think you can just go on indefinitely without end. You can not. You WILL pay the piper one way or another.

A naturally shy and reserved guy Jonah has survived his first attempt at public speaking with aplomb. And so it was that Jonah persisted and was successful in preaching his message. He became renowned and influential. Most of his audience are now wearing sack cloths and are covered in ashes. The city has heeded his message. And so we come to his final day in Nineveh.

JONAH: Citizens of Nineveh the LORD has asked us to wear sack cloths and to cover yourselves in ashes as a mark of mourning for the coming destruction of your city. Let us join to giving praise to YHWH the LORD. Let us commence the offering of all your animals you have today brought with you. May the blood flow like a waterfall over the alter. Start up the baroque for the LORD loves the smell of burning flesh.. 

Many hours have now past and the day is coming to an end. A pungent smell of burnt meat hangs over the main square. The people are now without their treasures and their animals and even their clothes except for their sack clothes.

CROWD MEMBER 1: How come the destruction has not happened?

CROWD MEMBER 2: Yeah. You’re out here every day preaching destruction and YHWH’s wrath and you’ve changed everyone’s lifestyle, affected trade and for what. For the vengeance of a god that never happens. You’re a charlatan. What are you?

JONAH: No you’re wrong. Your city will be destroyed…

CROWD MEMBER 3: Get back to Palestine you hook nose.

CROWD MEMBER 4: What makes you so great?

JONAH: Please I am…. (Jonah stops talking as a piece of fruit flies past. Noise level and anger rise)

CROWD MEMBER 1: Get him! (Jonah leaves the scene in a hurry)

****

Jonah leaves Nineveh without even collecting his belongings at his inn. He feels well and truly let down. We find him at the side of a road sitting next to a plant he has been nurturing as therapy.

YHWH: Jonah. Why so deep in the doldrums? Why so down hearted?

JONAH: You sent me on a fool’s errand. You sent me against my own inclination to convert a whole city, to prostrate before your altar and offer you burnt offerings, to call the people to wear sack cloths and to cover themselves in ashes as a sign of the coming destruction of Nineveh. Me, a shy man frightened of public speaking. I did all this and more and for what? To end up looking like a holy fool. That’s what. Everybody’s laughing at me.

YHWH: Why would I worry about 120,000 people who wouldn’t know the right hand from their left hand?

JONAH: That’s the first joke you’ve ever told. Tell me why didn’t you destroy Nineveh?

YHWH: To destroy the wicked is one thing but to destroy the ambidextrous is offhanded don’t you think.