The Fortune Teller

A customer at a country fair goes into a purple tent with a maroon door flap. Inside sits Madam Zelda with a cash box to one side and a crystal ball covered by a navy blue felt cloth. The inside layer of the tent is black with red trimmings.

MADAM ZELDA: Good afternoon Sir. Take a seat.

CUSTOMER: Thank you very much. How much will a reading cost?

MADAM ZELDA: Each reading costs $50. I will lay out some cards and then I will gaze into the crystal ball. The $50 covers a 10 minute session. Cash only.

CUSTOMER: Let’s start.

Madam Zelda unveils the crystal ball and lays out some cards.

MADAM ZELDA: (Surprised, shocked) Looking at these cards I think I’ll ask for your money up front before starting.

CUSTOMER: What do you mean?

MADAM ZELDA: Looking at what I can see here it’ll be easier to pay now. It’ll save messing around latter. I will only continue with what I can see if you will hand over payment now.

CUSTOMER: Okay.

The customer hands over a crisp new $50 note.

MADAM ZELDA: Now. This is not a good day for you. In fact it is your last day. This tent will be your place of death in just a few minutes.

CUSTOMER: WHAT!

MADAM ZELDA: In the crystal ball I can see police and ambulance officers swarming over this tent and a police cordon placed over the entrance. I will be massively inconvenienced for days and my visit to this town will have to be cut short.

CUSTOMER: But how?

MADAM ZELDA: Now let’s take a closer look here. I can see the inquest. testimony is being given that the cause of death was a brain embolism. I am also in court. I will be questioned as the last person to see you alive.

CUSTOMER: But how? Why? Ho…..

That was all the customer said. That was his end. The customer’s head drops to the table nearly upending it. Madam Zelda catches the cash box before it slides away.

Signing on for the last leg

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?

CLIENT: I’ve reached middle age and I think it’s time to look forward to the later part of my life.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly sir. You’ve come to the right place. We specialise in all the latter years options.

CLIENT: Well then let’s see what you can offer.

RECEPTIONIST: Let’s see. We have a number. Starting with grey hair, hair loss, hair growth in nostrils and ears, incontinence, lower libido incrementing to impotence, grouchiness, smelliness, loss of energy, poorer eyesight, poorer hearing, easier weight gain, now that’s a good one if you’ve had trouble gaining enough weight, memory loss or an inability to form new memories,  the occasional ache and the slow morphing of your facial features into a cartoon caricature of yourself.

CLIENT: Oh dear. Can you explain the memory one.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. With memory loss you can’t remember yesterday but with poor memory formation you can remember yesterday but you won’t remember today tomorrow. Get it?

CLIENT: Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually they all sound pretty undesirable. I don’t know if I like the sound of any of them.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that all we can offer. If you want to extend your tenure you will usually have to take some of these on board. Can’t do any better than that I’m afraid.

CLIENT: Aren’t there any good things on offer? I mean like life experience valued by others as wisdom, societal memory. Knowledge of lost arts and crafts. That sort of thing.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes but there not much of a market for those commodities these days. You can try to sell those qualities but there’s very little demand I’m afraid. Generally it ends up as excess in the attic.

CLIENT: So that just leaves me with all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff about getting old.

RECEPTIONIST: Pretty well. But that’s life isn’t it?

CLIENT: Well how can I avoid all that stuff you mentioned at the top?

RECEPTIONIST: Well… There is one option but it is not really a popular one at all.

CLIENT: I’m listening with all ears.

RECEPTIONIST: That is a short and generally nasty termination of life tenure in middle age. Avoids all the problems of old age. Only real cure for old age I’m afraid. It’s been a popular option with members of the armed forced since time immemorial and also with those who wanted to live extreme lives like assassins and mountain climbers.

CLIENT: Well that’s not very good. I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure I really need those other thing for longer life tenure.

RECEPTIONIST: That’s the deal the Lord Almighty set out when he opened out the contract with Adam and Eve. You live a long time with a declining physical condition or you die quickly without the pain of decline and without living a full life.

CLIENT: Talk about a pack with the devil. So what’s the best I could do by taking on some of those aliments?

The receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and then looks up at the client.

RECEPTIONIST: You can live to at least 80. You’re in good health with sober habits and all that. You can opt for some angina problems latter and some arthritis. There can also be a prostrate scare. You will of course have to lose most of your hair and what remains will be grey.

CLIENT: I guess I can sign on for that combination. Not completely rosy but hey it’s better than topping yourself mid life.

RECEPTIONIST: An affair with a woman half your age may lift your spirits and make you feel younger.

CLIENT: Yes that may be an interesting diversion. So I’ll take that combination then.

RECEPTIONIST: So that's the angina, the debilitating arthritis, and a prostrate scare, and a mid life affair with a younger woman to lift your spirits. Well that should take you well into your 80’s with only a little dependency.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll sign up for that. About as good as I think I can get.

RECEPTIONIST: Good then. I’ll print that out and you can sign on the dotted line.

CLIENT: Any idea of the exact date of death then?

RECEPTIONIST: No. That’s classified information I’m afraid. But well into your 80s is probable looking at your readout here.

Receptionist hands him some paper and a number.

CLIENT: What’s this?

RECEPTIONIST: That’s your number. Keep it handy. One day you’ll find yourself in the checkout room and that’s the number by which you will be called.

CLIENT: Thank you. Goodbye. (Leaves)

RECEPTIONIST: See ya. (Then raising her head and her voice) NEXT!

An elderly husband and wife couple step up.

HUSBAND: Excuse me we are an old couple. Coming up to our diamond anniversary.

RECEPTIONIST: Well congratulations. That’s a long time.

WIFE: We want to know what you have in the way of medical aliments.

HUSBAND: We’ve had a good life. A nice home, grandchildren and an investment house but we will be moving into a retirement village shortly. The garden is getting beyond us now. We’ve been around the world. And now we think that a very serious illness will round off our life nicely.

WIFE: Well the point is most of our friends come down with serious medical aliments and we thought it’s about time we buy into something of the sort and we just want to know what’s available.

RECEPTIONIST: Well there’s a wide assortment. Depends on exactly what you’re looking for. What sort of end of life illness experience you think would compliment the life you’ve have had.

HUSBAND: We do have full medical insurance so cost will not be an object.

WIFE: We were thinking of a nice cancer. Thelma next door had a very long and protracted pancreas cancer last year and her hubby Harold had a prostrate cancer and that seems to have been a very memorable experience for them. But of course poor Thelma was taken away at the end of it and Harold has had to move into a nursing home, God bless the lovely chap.

RECEPTIONIST: There are a range of cancers to think about but we also have a range of other serious conditions like motor neuron disease although that is more popular with the younger crowd…

WIFE: Oh yes. Beryl had that. Gave her a hell of a time. We might like to consider that one but as you said it is more of a younger person’s disease.

RECEPTIONIST: And then there are the traditional cardiac diseases. Strange group that one. Good for a fast exit or for a slow decline. The exact heart condition can be tailored to your needs. There’s diabetes of course with type 2 becoming more popular these days. And there is Alzheimer’s disease. The disadvantage of that one is that the patient generally can’t enjoy it because they have no memory of it.

HUSBAND: I know a guy who had type 2 diabetes. It gave him kidney, eye and foot problems. Still may be a better way than a cancer and still fairly high prestige.

RECEPTIONIST: I see you there is an element of keeping up with the Jones.

WIFE: Well I would like to get up Maude’s nose with her high manner down her nose snobbery. I’d just like to shove it in her face.

HUSBAND: She just a bit hard to get along with,

WIFE: She a through snob and she enjoys putting other people down.

HUSBAND: What dear?

WIFE: He’s a bit hard of hearing you know.

HUSBAND: What’s that?

WIFE: I said YOU”RE A BIT HARD OF HEARING.

HUSBAND: I know that. What do you have to tell me that?

RECEPTIONIST: Another alternative is brain tumour. An unusual one and it requires the absolute crème de la crème of surgeons.

HUSBAND: That might be what we’re looking for. Something serious but not run of the mill. Something off the top self so to speak. If you have to go you may as well go in style.

WIFE: May as well rub Maud’s face in it. Keep her squirming as we go.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that’s one of you. I assume you want to experience serious illness together.

HUSBAND AND WIFE: Absolutely. (In unison)

 WIFE: Oh yes. We've always done everything together.

RECEPTIONIST: Then what say I give you some of these pamphlets and I’ll give you this little booklet “So You’re Looking for an Illness” for you to peruse over at home.

HUSBAND: That sounds good. We’ll probably be in some time next week to talk it over. See you then.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. See you then.

Jonah

(The reluctant prophet has purchased a ticket to …anywhere, bloody anywhere. Our prophetic friend is embarking the ship and passing a sign posted by the captain “No gods allowed”).

CAPTAIN: Welcome aboard.

JONAH: Thank you. What’s that? (Pointing to the sign)

CAPTAIN: I’ve had enough of them. Blowing my ship around and causing no end of trouble. I tell you there’s been nothing but trouble in this world since they started interfering in the affairs of men. I won’t stand for them. No way. So now I have a rule that all passengers must leave their gods behind.

JONAH: Well as a matter of fact….(Not wanting to disclose his history with his god decides that discretion is the better part of valour and cuts short his sentence)

CAPTAIN: As a matter of fact….what?

JONAH: Oh nothing.

CAPTAIN: No you were going to say something.

JONAH: Doesn’t matter. I’ll make my way to my cabin if you don’t mind.

CAPTAIN: Well dinner is at 6.00 pm. I’ll see you then.

****

JONAH: (To diary) I hope now I have shaken off my god. A stalker with supernatural powers I do not need. The madness of Isaiah and Ezekiel; the imprisonment of Jeremiah – NO THANK YOU!!! Nearly let slip to that captain that I was on the run from YHWH.

DIARY: (Jonah imagines his diary talking back).  I’m all weighed down with your thoughts on your god. Hopefully now you’re escaping your stalker you’ll be able to share some happier musings with me.

****

A few days latter on deck. Jonah is enjoying the cruise and company of fellow travellers. But now the weather is threatening.

PASSENGER 1: So we have had some lovely weather.

PASSENGER 2: We been lucky. But I don’t know about what to make of those clouds on the horizon. (Turning to one side he faces Jonah and addresses him.) You’ve been pretty quiet. You’re very pensive and reflective. But what brings you out to the high seas?

JONAH: I’m running away from something.

PAGGENGER 1: Aren’t we all?

PASSENGER 2: Indeed. But at least I have an alibi. I am actually taking some casks of wine to Spain and a few other nick knacks to trade but basically I can’t settle too long in one place. I’m restless. How could I til some land while wondering what’s over the hill. BORING! So what is it exactly that you’re running away from?

JONAH: I’d rather not say.

PASSENGER 2: Oh come on. You’ve got us intrigued.

JONAH: No it’s too complicated. Let’s just say I hope I’m not being followed.

PASSENGER 2: OK but we’ll work on prying that little secret away from your bosom. We’re all very curious.

JONAH: Excuse me but I have to be getting back to my cabin.

Jonah makes his way along the deck passing by the “No gods allowed” sign.

****

A few hours latter Jonah is starting to feel unwell. It may be sea sickness or the general nervousness that comes with being stalked. He hasn’t been the best for days. Our nervous friend makes his way to the rail outside and notices it is somewhat rough.

JONAH: BLERRRR….. (Leans over the rail vomiting. He is pulled up by the captain)

CAPTAIN: I want a word with you.

JONAH: What?

CAPTAIN: You heard. (A wave splashes onto the deck.) Come with me.

JONAH: You sound serious. (Walking with the captain)

CAPTAIN: I’m gathering all the passengers for an interrogation. I want to know how we find ourselves facing a storm.

At that moment both the captain and Jonah nearly lose their balance. They arrive to join the others inside the dining room.

CAPTAIN: We are facing a storm that we and the ship may not survive. My on board god detector clearly shows there is a god at work on board and all of us have a hunch that you’re the culprit. (Pointing to Jonah)

 JONAH: Look I haven’t done anything. I’m trying to run away from him.

CAPTAIN: What has been happening out here with laws of physics being bent clearly fits the profile of YHWH and you’re from Palestine. I’ve come across that son of a bitch before and he is a most unpleasant one. Don’t worry. I come across most of them, Asharah, Nebu, Dag, Baal, Abimolech to say nothing of the cantankerous mob of Greek gods. All those atrocities, all those cities and all those first borns. The blood and slaughter.  Well I want none of that and I want none of him. Give a 2 year old supernatural powers and what you have is something like your YHWH. There’s nothing quiet like a spoilt brat with supernatural powers. And what did I make clear to everyone as they boarded the ship? I clearly stated my policy of no gods allowed. Look at the sign. I tell you I just don’t need them. What with pirates, taxes, insurance and labour issues the last thing I need is some god almighty getting on my whack. And what happens? You have to bring your god. (Turning from Jonah to face everyone) There’s always one. Always one.

JONAH: I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to cause problems for everyone.

CAPTAIN: No wonder you were so evasive on your first day. No wonder you didn’t seem to be particularly sociable. You hide a secret that big and then plead you ‘didn’t mean too’. Well I’ve had it with you. I don’t care. You’re going over the side along with your god.

The captain, with the assistance from some of the passengers drag Jonah to the rail with his feet dragging along the deck. They roll  him over the rail and a splash is heard as he drops him into the sea. The storm subsequently subsides.

****

Jonah wakes up on a beach covered in slime and what smells like stomach acids.

JONAH: (Looking skywards) Why are you tormenting me?

YHWH: Why are you avoiding me? I have a job for you.

JONAH: (Incredulous at what seems like a stupid question) Why am I avoiding you? That’s rich coming from you. Why do you think? You send Isaiah naked into the desert naked for 3 years, You get Ezekiel to do all sort of weird psychedelic stuff with some pretty unpleasant body fluids and you torment Jeremiah into making him wear the same underwear for 6 months and then you get him imprisoned. Look I’m not offensive. I just don’t think I’m up to the task of being your battle crier. I just want a quiet life. I don’t want to do all that weird stuff. You have a reputation of not looking after your prophets very well.

YHWH: You’ll do what I want or I’ll fling you against those cliffs over there and break your back in 3 places. Crows will pick over your remains eating tit bits while you’re still alive. And when I’ve finished with you I’ll start on your family. You’ll do what I want and you’ll be happy about doing it. Do you understand? You with me boy? You will pay me due reverence. I promise you that you will carry out your task in good faith or help me or I won’t be responsible for my actions. If you fail me I’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth. I WILL PREVAIL! THY WILL BE DONE! I WILL TRIUMPH. I will break the other gods like sticks. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! Look what I did to King David and he was one of my favourites. You’re just a pimple on a shoulder which has come to a head and what I can to David and can do to you a hundred times over.

JONAH: (Traumatised and trembling) Okay. Okay. I’ll do what you want.

YHWH:  Now the people of Nineveh have forgotten me. They have become attracted to other gods. like that bitch Asharah and the very disgusting Nebu. Those other gods defile me. They are abominations. The people of Nineveh have not been keeping my laws. Nineveh is to be destroyed and I want you to ask the good citizens of that city to repent and bow down before my altar. They will make burnt offerings for I love the smell of burning flesh. If they will not offer me burnt offerings I will make a burnt offering of them to give to those abhorrent goods. I want the people of Nineveh to forego their luxuries and high fashion. They are instead to don sack bags and cover themselves in ashes as in a funeral rite.

JONAH: But I’m a shy guy. What if they don’t believe me or think that I’m nuts? What if they imprison me like Jeremiah.

YHWH: Jonah, remember what I’ve just said. Whatever the people of Nineveh can do to you will be as nothing compared to what I will do to you if you do not keep your promise. I will keep my promise to you by following up with the promised consequences for you in the event of failure. So go off now towards Nineveh and warn the good people there what they can expect. But first wash yourself. You smell of fish.

****

After many months on the road facing dangers Jonah finally arrives at Nineveh and sets up a soap box in a market square.

JONAH: People of Nineveh I come to your fair city with a message and a warning. Nineveh is to be destroyed because you have been neglecting YHWH. You have been cavorting with other gods. You have not been keeping his law. You have not been making burnt offerings to his altar and YHWH has promised that if you do not make burnt offerings to him he will make a burnt offering of you. The LORD loves the smell of burning flesh.

MARKET GOER 1: Go away.

MARKET GOER 2: Have they emptied the loony bin?

MARKET GOER 3: Maybe we can make of burnt offering of him.

General laughter is heard from the small crowd.

JONAH: But you can appease YHWH. He wants you to give away your fine treasures and fine clothes and instead wear sack cloths and cover yourselves with ashes. I have been sent hundred of miles to deliver this message to you.  

MARKET GOER 1: Perhaps you can go back.

MARKET GOER 3: Here here.

JONAH: Nineveh is a large and proud city but YHWH wants the good people here to prostrate themselves before his greatness for he has earmarked this fine city of yours for destruction. All is doom. You think you can just go on indefinitely without end. You can not. You WILL pay the piper one way or another.

A naturally shy and reserved guy Jonah has survived his first attempt at public speaking with aplomb. And so it was that Jonah persisted and was successful in preaching his message. He became renowned and influential. Most of his audience are now wearing sack cloths and are covered in ashes. The city has heeded his message. And so we come to his final day in Nineveh.

JONAH: Citizens of Nineveh the LORD has asked us to wear sack cloths and to cover yourselves in ashes as a mark of mourning for the coming destruction of your city. Let us join to giving praise to YHWH the LORD. Let us commence the offering of all your animals you have today brought with you. May the blood flow like a waterfall over the alter. Start up the baroque for the LORD loves the smell of burning flesh.. 

Many hours have now past and the day is coming to an end. A pungent smell of burnt meat hangs over the main square. The people are now without their treasures and their animals and even their clothes except for their sack clothes.

CROWD MEMBER 1: How come the destruction has not happened?

CROWD MEMBER 2: Yeah. You’re out here every day preaching destruction and YHWH’s wrath and you’ve changed everyone’s lifestyle, affected trade and for what. For the vengeance of a god that never happens. You’re a charlatan. What are you?

JONAH: No you’re wrong. Your city will be destroyed…

CROWD MEMBER 3: Get back to Palestine you hook nose.

CROWD MEMBER 4: What makes you so great?

JONAH: Please I am…. (Jonah stops talking as a piece of fruit flies past. Noise level and anger rise)

CROWD MEMBER 1: Get him! (Jonah leaves the scene in a hurry)

****

Jonah leaves Nineveh without even collecting his belongings at his inn. He feels well and truly let down. We find him at the side of a road sitting next to a plant he has been nurturing as therapy.

YHWH: Jonah. Why so deep in the doldrums? Why so down hearted?

JONAH: You sent me on a fool’s errand. You sent me against my own inclination to convert a whole city, to prostrate before your altar and offer you burnt offerings, to call the people to wear sack cloths and to cover themselves in ashes as a sign of the coming destruction of Nineveh. Me, a shy man frightened of public speaking. I did all this and more and for what? To end up looking like a holy fool. That’s what. Everybody’s laughing at me.

YHWH: Why would I worry about 120,000 people who wouldn’t know the right hand from their left hand?

JONAH: That’s the first joke you’ve ever told. Tell me why didn’t you destroy Nineveh?

YHWH: To destroy the wicked is one thing but to destroy the ambidextrous is offhanded don’t you think.

The Diagnosis - Terminal:

DOCTOR: Unfortunately the prognosis is extremely grave. The cancer is simply far too advanced. I’m afraid there is nothing modern medicine can do for you. I would only give you months. You’ve not much time on this planet. I’m sorry.

PATIENT: What! I can’t believe it.

DOCTOR: Oh yes. You’re a goner. You’re for the chop. You are ascending the 13 steps to the scaffold. You’ve had it. Your wick is simply at its end. It’s see you latter alligator.

PATIENT: But I’m only 44.

DOCTOR: Yes but you’ve had it…mate. You’ll be meeting your doom very soon. That’s it. Pretty soon the grim reaper will come knocking. His shadow is hanging over you as we speak. You won’t celebrate your 45^th birthday.

The patient restlessly removes himself from the chair only to find he needs to sit down again.

PATIENT: (Sobbing). This really has to be the worst day of my life.

DOCTOR: Yes but each day will get worse than the day before until one day soon the very worse of all will happen. You will not get any letup and each day only brings you closer to the last day.

PATIENT: (wiping his eyes). I’m stunned like a mallet.

DOCTOR: You’ll be whacked and pelted, rolled like flour and squeezed flat by the evil fates. You’ll be flung like a cat against the wall at the end of a tether. You are the walking dead. You’ll feel like crows are pecking your eyes and then going for your stomach alive just like Prometheus. This will only get worse.

PATIENT: Well what would you advise?

DOCTOR: My advice would be to soak yourself in high dosages of morphine. I’ll prescribe enough to knock you senseless and incoherent.  You don’t want to be able to make sense of your environment mate because your environment will be a living hell.

PATIENT: My wife…

DOCTOR: …will soon be a widow. Better start planning your funeral now. Think about how you want to be buried or cremated, pine or cedar box and all that sort of thing.

PATIENT: I need some time to allow this to all soak in.

DOCTOR: You haven’t got time mate. You don’t think that Father Time is going to wait while you get used to your appointment with the Grim Reaper.  The great forces of the universe aren’t going to wait for a reluctant deathé to feel comfortable. No sir wee. You’ll just be swept away to your own destiny whether you’re ready or not. So don’t you ‘I need time’ me mate. You’re a goner. You have a death sentence. You’re waiting for your number to be called. You’re in the last reception area. The check out desk. Your final stepping off point. You’re at the end of the line. Last stop. You’ve run out of road mate. Mate, you’re on the plank with a sword pointing into your back behind and the infinite abyss in front.  You’re looking down a very deep well that will be your flight path in the near future. So don’t tell me you want more time mate for the news to soak in. You aint got it. What are you gona do when you feel adjusted? Just curl up and die! That’s what! So why do you need to feel comfortable when the destination is the same? You think passengers aboard a plunging jet gain one extra second life from getting use to the idea?

The doctor is by now getting quiet excited by his own rant.

PATIENT: (Loudly) Hey what about a bit of sympathy? Where’s your compassion? Don’t just stand there ranting and raving to the dying guy “To get used to it”.

DOCTOR: So now you want me to be your social worker holding your hand while you have cry. Well let me tell you it’s not gona get you any extra time. You think I’m gona give you a pass just because the sick budgie is going to fall off his perch? If that’s your game then you can run to one of those dodgy afterlife insurance salesmen in clerical clothe or buy into some other fairy tale fantasy or go to one of those new agey charlatans with their channelling and reincarnations. Or maybe a clairvoyant can pull some sort of bullshit out of thin air. . Whatever! Just don’t go flooding my surgery with your silly tears. I see a procession of death row inmates like you every day. You’re nothing special PRINCESS.

PATIENT: What?

DOCTOR: Oh yes you find yourself alive and think you have some special entitlement not available to the rest of creation. Like a spoilt brat who can’t have his lolly and eat it too.  An entitlement narcissist.

PATIENT: All right! All right! I don’t want to ask for a miracle but what’s going to happen to me?

DOCTOR: After a very exhausting and tiring treatment and palliative care everything you cared about, everything your strove for, everything you achieved would all have been for nothing. In the end it was all pointless and you, a flash in the pan of geological time that you are, will be extinguished along with all your hopes and desires. But hey you came from nothing and you’re going back to nothing. So to quote Monty Python what have you lost? Nothing! So the good news is that you will come out even from the whole deal. The great debt collector will have settled your account.

PATIENT: (Exhibiting nervous body language) I am devastated. This has been a real downer..

DOCTOR: On that point depression is often a problem for the terminally ill. But never mind. Just think how insignificant your life was and what an unbelievably short geological speck of time it occupied. After all every flower soon loses its petals and your flower is now wilting. If you want counselling I can organise it but the counsellors often complain that this patient or that patient didn’t make the appointment or that group sessions are short through non attendance because one member had the temerity to die the previous day. You’re wasting your time mate if you ask me. What’s the point of getting use to the bailiffs of the King Death? They’re not going to change their assignment depending on what sort of therapy you’ve had.

PATIENT: I think I might need some counselling.

DOCTOR: Well I think you’d be wasting your time. It’s not as though it’s going to be a long term investment. No vacancies in any of the grief counselling programs presently. Have to wait for someone to fall off their twig. I might suggest a local laughing club. Here is one of their pamphlets explaining origins of laughing clubs in India, the benefits and their own program complete with contact details. Well that’s about time for today. Fill these prescriptions and see the receptionist on the way out. Goodbye.

PATIENT: Goodbye. (Leaves without properly closing the door)

This a little blog for posting of death related pieces of humour.

Welcome to my blog about things death related. Each item will directly or indirectly refer to death from a humourous angle. My inspiration will come from Python, the bible and and assorted bits of experience. Many posts will read like a mixture of the pythoneque and the biblical, I will also be taking more than just an occasional swipe at religion.

Humans are like other animals in that they fear death and to this end have a very strong survival instinct. Humans are unlike other animals in that they know that death will visit them at some time in the future no matter what the survival instinct. Between these two human realities lies a great deal of anxiety and a great impetus for religion. The results are tragic and comic. The human animal is the tragic comic among the apes.

Humans also differ from other animals in that their fears, instincts and efforts can substantially alter their immediate environment. Where other animals must live with the environment as they find it we can alter that environment in full expression of our fears and instincts and we can find ourselves meeting up with what we were running away from in our very own creations leading to an escalation of efforts to run away from ourselves. Most of what we fear is the result of our own creations. Humans face very few fears arsing from the natural world. Additionally our brains which are wired with a repertoire of responses to the natural world can be rutted into just a few responses should those few be over exercised. One result is PTSD for seriously traumatised people. What is a natural defence evolved to face extreme dangers on the savanna plains becomes dysfunctional. A lesser degree of this phenomenon expressed in a wider social context rather then an individual context is fear fevor or moral panic. Once a fear fevour or moral panic is fixed widely enough it takes on an inertia of its own seeking fearful situations in which to play. In the absence of real danger imaginary dangers are conjured in existence. New fear then leads to a self fulling realisation. Alternately exaggerating minor fears into major ones will also feed a fear fevour. For humans this is both sad and comic. Home sapiens is the tragic ape.