Waiting for Rigor Mortis

The theme song of the hilarious sitcom of the same name about life in a nursing home for the terminally ill. Sung to the tune of Makin Whopee.

Have to rash, have to hurry

Waiting for rigor mortis

Another bed to make and ironing

Waiting for rigor mortis

A lot of shoes to give a shine

So much to do before the Grim Reaper comes

Have to tend the garden

Waiting for rigor mortis

Have to service the car

And vacuum it inside out

Have much to do will be without you

Waiting for rigor mortis

Have to do washing

Before the end act to end

So many chores to get through

Waiting for Rigor mortis

Is everything finished

Will have to rest forever

And the painting. It’s done too.

Waiting for rigor mortis

The Power of Prayer

In a Television studio a couple dressed neatly and looking like born again Christians spreading the word. Mike in an older style suit and Pat is dressed in a twin set. They are co-hosting a Christian news called “Jesus Moves”. After all the top stories of the day the co-hosts segway into the next segment called “The Power of Prayer” featured once a week.

MIKE: At this time each week we like to feature moving stories about the power of prayer as examples of the Lord moving in our lives. Sometimes they will make you laugh. Sometimes they will make you cry. Always you will be moved by the power of the Lord to manifest his power through our prayers.

PAT: Yes indeed Mike. We start off this week with a moving story of a little girl in the mid west plains of America. Little Jessica Callum aged nine prayed to God to make her area more picturesque because she lives on the great plains of visual monotony in the tight knit community of Lesterville. She would like some hills or mountains to admire. And in a really heart warming story God is answering her prayer. A magnitude 7.5 earthquake hit the area uplifting the ground by one metre. Some hundreds of people have been killed in her community and Jessica herself sustained some injuries and is recovering in hospital. The people in her community are very devoted believers. The Reverend Ian Smyth said the people are very thankful.

Crossover to the reverend being interviewed.  

REVEREND: The fact that thousands of people were NOT killed is evidence of the benevolent nature of God and his love for us. God has today saved thousands of lives. This is a very devote community and today we witnessed how God is moved through prayer. This has only increased our love for the Lord. That God should make himself manifest in the life of a child so young is real cause for hope.

Cut to Jessica in her hospital bed.

JESSICA: The mere fact that I was not killed is proof of God and of his love for me. How else can you explain the fact I am alive? My love for God has only increased today.

Cross  to a geologist.  

GEOLOGIST: The earth moved today although it will take longer than little Jessica’s life time to create the beautiful mountain range which will one day rise up in this area.

Back in the studio.

PAT: How about little Jessica saying that the fact she wasn’t killed is proof that God exists and of his love for her?

MIKE: Such wisdom out of the mouths of babes. What a touching story. It’s an example of how God is at work creating beauty in our world for us.

PAT: Yes we can give thanks to all the carnage in the past which went into creating all the beauty we see in the world today. Everywhere we look we can see evidence of God’s love for us in the beauty of landscapes. God today showed his love for the community of Lesterville.

MIKE: God is building them a mountain range. While a certain unnamed other prophet of a certain unnamed other “god” (Mike makes a inverted comas sign with his fingers in the air\) of a certain unnamed other religion may be able to move mountains but ONLY the one true God can actually build them. (Chuckle) The Lord be praised!

PAT: Amen to that. And talking of praise that is what Neil Watson of Columim is doing today after witnessing God answering a prayer to his advantage yesterday. Like so many of us he was frustrated looking for a parking space. I’ll let Neil tell the story in his own words.

Cross over to an interview with Neil

NEIL: I was running late for an important appointment plus I had shopping to do and I had been driving around looking for a park but to no avail. So as I was driving along I closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed that God might find me a parking spot quickly. I opened my eyes and drove on. Suddenly the car in front of me was hit by another car driving a enormous speed that just came out of nowhere and then just vanished. His car was totalled and as I drove around him there was a parking which I pulled into. I realised that for that accident I would never have had that parking space. The parking space would have gone to the car in front instead. God had answered my prayer. So off I went and did my shopping and I made my appointment on time. When I came back to my car the area was filled with the flashing lights of all manner of emergency vehicles. I realised that God moves in mysterious way and that he does answer prayers. I was in a buzz for the rest of the day, walking on light air. I matter to God and he answers my prayers. Oh what a feeling. I am saved! Jesus take me! I’m on my knees! I am yours!

In the studio.

MIKE: And the name of the driver of the other car was Sam Mathers, 39 of Clinchborn. He latter died of his injuries in hospital.

PAT: What an inspirational story.

MIKE: Right you are. It sure is. This just shows how God moves in mysterious ways. When God’s agency works for us it is God’s benevolence and when it’s not it is God moving in mysterious ways. Proof that God truly exists..  

PAT: It sure is. As the good book says. “Ask and you shall receive”.

MIKE: Yes and the fact that Neil closed his eyes to pray while driving shows his faith in the Lord is indeed strong. I tell you the good news is everywhere. And the good news just keeps coming. Pat. Next we have the story of a grandfather close to death and in need of a kidney. His grandchild Kym was so looking forward to presenting him with her present on his birthday in a few weeks. As you know the waiting list for most organs is long and donor organs have to be compatible with the recipient. Clem Richards has been waiting for three years and his health has been deteriorating in all that time in spite of the very best medical care he has been receiving.

PAT: What happened next is truly an act of God answering the prayers of another little girl. It is the touching tale of a little who was able to share the joy of my grandfather’s birthday all thanks to the intersession of a little girl of faith. She had made a gift for his up coming birthday, a birthday Clem was not expected to see.

MIKE: Clem needed a miracle and thanks to his loving granddaughter a miracle was delivered. Clem was on life support and he was not expected to hold on too much longer. All hope vanishing but for the arrival of a suitable kidney. This is where Kym in her nightly prayer before bed asked God to find a kidney for her grandfather so that she could enjoy her grandfather’s birthday. She was so looking forward to the appreciation of her loving grandfather of her handy work in which she had invested many hours of effort. Here is Kym’s mother Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: Kym has always been close to her grandfather. Naturally she was upset when I had to inform her of the serious nature of her pop’s illness and his need for a transplant with no guarantee of a suitable organ donor providing the much needed kidney. I walked past Kym’s bedroom when I saw her kneeling on the floor praying to God and asking that a kidney be found for her grandfather. I smiled and walked on. The next morning at around 4.00 am I was woken from my sleep by a call from the hospital. A kidney was now available. This was a result of a fatal accident in which a heavily pregnant woman had died of injuries along with her baby after being hit by a bus.

Cross to a police spokesman.

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Marie Cornes, 25 was waiting for a bus late at night when the bus veered on to the footpath.

Footage of the police talking to the bus driver. The bus driver talks to the camera.

BUS DRIVER: (Read eyes from crying and shaking) I was just driving pulling in to pick up passengers. The next thing the bus seemed to have a mind of its own. I don’t really know what happened. I couldn’t do a thing. The bus picked up speed and veered on to the footpath side swiping this woman who I could see was pregnant. It was awful.

REPORTER: (To the Police spokesman.) What will happen to the driver?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: The driver has been charged with dangerous driving. A charge of manslaughter may follow. It is likely that he will lose his licence and his income. He has been bailed. At a meeting between the driver and his wife there was tension in the air in what I understand was already a difficult relationship before this incident and it is likely that their marriage is over. Naturally the driver is in an extreme state of distress.

REPORTER: And the woman?

POLICE SPOKESMAN: Unfortunately she died at the scene and the baby she was carrying was also lost.

Back in the studio.

PAT: We have further developments on that story. Ms. Cornes was a donor and her organs will be useful to others. Her kidneys were found to be compatible with Clem Richards. It was this news which the hospital where Clem was on life support rang so early in the morning to give to Trudy Tobin the daughter and caregiver of Clem.

MIKE: With this good news an operation was scheduled at the earliest possible moment. Here is more of the interview with Trudy Tobin.

Cross to Trudy.

TRUDY: The hospital said they had a perfect match for a kidney from a woman who had died that night in an accident. Naturally I was delighted at the death of this woman and opened a bottle of Champagne straight away and we celebrated. The operation occurred a few hours latter and I made my way to the hospital.

CLEM: As you can see I am now out of hospital and quiet fit. No more tubes and no more dialysis 3 or 4 times a week. I can now lead a close to normal life. The doctors expect that I can live a high quality of life for many years. I just need to keep to a course of immune suppressants and undergo periodic biopsies.

Some home made footage of a birthday party with Kym, Trudy and Clem.

TRUDY: Kym and Clem both enjoyed the birthday party last night and Clem just loved the art work Kym had spent so many hours working on. What can I say? God delivers on his promises and he delivers on prayers. Ask and you shall receive. We have Kym to thank for God saving Clem for a few more years by killing that pregnant woman and her baby and destroying the life of the hapless bus driver.

The last scene of the footage is of Clem and Kym embracing before going back to the studio.

PAT: Such a lovely moving story of one girl’s prayer saving her grandfather by God instead taking another life. Life is beautiful. I live for moments like this. Isn’t it just so nice that a little girl prays to God for a kidney for her grandpa and that God can answer her prayer by taking the life of a pregnant woman and running off with a kidney just for Kym’s beloved grandfather?

MIKE: It just tugs at the heart strings. Finally today we have the story of some drought stricken farmers saving by the grace of God answering their prayers. Farmers in Australia have emerged from the longest drought and have had very good rains for the last year. We now know that enough farmers got together to pray to the almighty for rain.

Cross to meteorologist

METEOROLOGIST: The delivery of rain is dependent in large part on the El Nino/La Nina effect of the Pacific Oscillation Current.  When one side of the Pacific warms up relative to the other that side experiences good rains and floods. And vice versa.

Cross to Reverend Turner.

REVEREND TURNER: Which way the oceanic current flows depends on a tug of war of prayers from farmers on both sides of the Pacific. For the moment God is more impressed with the praise and adoration of Australian farmers. This is why American farmers are having such a hard time of drought this year and many face ruin. God has been especially impressed by the church known as Catch the Flame Ministry under the pastorship of Danny Nutter.

DANNY NUTTER: It is good to see La Nina triumphant over El Nino with the water shortages in many American cities and American farmers going to the wall. God does truly move in mysterious ways. This has prospered Australian farmers. God has answered our prayers.

Cross to studio.

PAT: Yes indeed. More evidence that God will move against one group to answer the prayers of another. Ask and you receive. Ask for a miracle and it will be delivered.

MIKE: And that’s all for this week’s segment of The Power of Prayer. God bless. May the Lord answer your prayers. Don’t forget to check out our web site for extended interviews and you can also download this program from the site. We also have inspirational books and DVDs or sale or you click on the link on the home page to donate towards keeping this program on the air.

PAT: Goodbye. May the Lord bless you and keep praying for a miracle..

MIKE: Amen and goodbye.

Closing credits to the tune of the hymn “Lord, Slaughter the little Children”. 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

To date everything on this blog has been original material. I will not often be posting other pieces which are not my creation but I thought a blog about death related humour could not  omit that wonderful Monty Python hymn "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".It's such a treat.

The whole Life of Brian movie is such a treat and I never tire of watching it.

Enjoy.

An Unauthorised Illness

 In a courtroom the clerk rises as the judge enters.

CLERK: All rise. (All in attendance rise and then resume their seats as the judge takes his.)

 JUDGE: Is Mr Kevin Wilson present today?

CLERK: Call Mr Wilson.

(A court official makes his way to the door)

OFFICIAL: Mr Wilson! (Wilson is wearing pyjamas and a hospital issue dressing gown enters and takes the stand. He has an oxygen tank on wheels and a stand holding an intravenous feed.)

CLERK: Will you take an oath or affirm?

WILSON: I’ll take an affirmation.

CLERK: Please read from this sheet.

WILSON: I affirm that the evidence I am about to give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

JUDGE: Mr Wilson, are you represented here today?

WILSON: No.

JUDGE: I would strongly advise you to seek representation before proceeding.

WILSON: No. That is all right. I’ll defend myself.

JUDGE: (Gesturing towards the prosecutor) Proceed. .

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson give you please give your date of birth.

WILSON: The 4^th of April 1965.

PROSECUTOR: So that would make you Mr Wilson how old?

WILSON: I am 48 years old.

PROSECUTOR: Your worship I would like to submit exhibit A, a birth certificate for Mr. Wilson and exhibit A a life certificate for the said Mr. Wilson. (Judge nods approval)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read from your life certificate the heading highlighted in the 5^th column?

WILSON: Expiry date.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I see they taught you how to read in school.

WILSON: What? Of course they did. There’s no need to be patronising.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. We’ll also see how you go about answering questions as well Mr Wilson.  Now Mr. Wilson can you read the date below the heading in the 5^th column?

WILSON: 3^rd April 2045.

PROSECUTOR: Very good Mr. Wilson. Now while you’re on a roll dazzling the court with your superb use of your cognitive skills perhaps you can impress on the court the display of your mathematical skills. On the expiry date of you life certificate how old will you be on that expiry date.

WILSON: Nearly 80.

PROSECUTOR: Wow. You are good. Very good. Yes. 80 years less one day. Tell me Mr Wilson how is your present state of health. From my point of view down here you look rather poorly.

WILSON: I have polycystic kidney disease and cancer of the spleen. My general health is badly compromised and my lungs are failing. I need to take this portable oxygen tank with me and I could only really come to court with this stand dripping pain killers in a saline solution.

PROSECUTOR: Well that’s your diagnosis. Now for the benefit of the court perhaps you can briefly give us your prognosis.

WILSON: Well I’m not expected to live another year.

PROSECUTOR: Oh really. What sort of a person would you describe yourself as being?

WILSON: An average good person. Not too offensive. Honest. Easy going.

PROSECUTOR: Tell us Mr. Wilson would you consider yourself a law abiding citizen?

WILSON: Of course.

PROSECUTOR: Perhaps you have not noticed the discrepancy between your account of yourself as a law abiding citizen and the reality that you are in grave danger of checking of this life before the expiry date listed on your life certificate. Tell the court Mr. Wilson are you similarly deluded about other aspects of yourself..

WILSON: What? No!. My illness has nothing to do with what sort of a person I am.

PROSECUTOR: Usually not perhaps Mr. Wilson except you have had the temerity to go and become seriously ill without being properly permitted to do so.

WILSON: I did not mean to. (In a slightly higher pitched apologetic voice.)

PROSECUTOR: Tell me Mr. Wilson in your police interview were you completely truthful in your statement to the police?

WILSON: Yes! (Slightly agitated)

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge)  I would like the defendant to read a highlighted section from his birth certificate. (Judge hands the document to Mr. Wilson.) I would like to submit this as exhibit B. (Judge nods approval.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted place of birth on your birth certificate?

WILSON: Lewisham, NSW.

PROSECUTOR: Yes and of course that was on the 4^th of April 1965?

WILSON: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I would like to submit exhibit C being a copy of the statement you gave to the police with in connection with this charge. (Judge hands Mr. Wilson the statement.) Can you read the highlighted paragraph on page 14?

WILSON: I was born on the 4 April 1965 in Petersham. My mother…

PROSECUTOR: Stop right there. Well. Well. Well. You were not truthful to the police in giving your statement were you Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: Yes but…

PROSECUTOR: But nothing. You said you regarded yourself as honest .Just how deluded are you? Or is it delusion or is it deception?

WILSON: (Angry and agitated) Deception? What purpose could deception serve for such a minor detail? You’re just blowing small discrepancies into major deceptions. Petersham is next door to Lewisham. What does it matter?

PROSECUTOR: What does it matter? It matters because it reflects either on your character or on your mental competence. In either case your testimony is dubious. But this wasn’t the only example of providing false or incomplete information was it Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: What are you talking about?

PROSECUTOR: Can you read from the highlighted section on page 17?

WILSON: I went to school in Canterbury. I was not ever in trouble at school as a child.

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge.) I would like to submit a document as exhibit D and for it to be handed to the defendant to read from the highlighted area. (Judge nods and the document is handed to Mr. Wilson.) Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted section?

WILSON: Kevin Wilson suspended for 3 days for failing to take responsibility for starting an argument which resulted in minor injuries to himself and Jeff Hoare.

PROSECUTOR: Yes Mr. Wilson. Quiet an omission.

WILSON: That’s unfair. How could I remember that incident? It was just some silly playground thing.

PROSECUTOR: So not only are you an unreliable source of information but you also won’t take responsibility for your actions. Tell me Mr. Wilson what sort of a person are you?

WILSON: That’s not fair.

PROSECUTOR: Not fair? You’ve just by your own admission verified that you are dishonest or incompetent ad irresponsible.

WILSON: (Visibly shaking and starting to wheeze.)  I may have made some mistakes but I’m not a bad person. I’m just an average person trying to make my way through life best as I can.. Look I’m a sick man.

PROSECUTOR: And whose fault is that? You went off and became ill without the proper permits. And on top of that you plea your illness as a reason for mercy. Well that’s like the orphaned boy pleading for clemency in the murder of his parents on the ground that he’s an orphan. Do you really expect anyone to take you seriously after it has been established that you are also unreliable and dishonest or incompetent?

WILSON: Look why should my early death be a legal matter? If I die early that is that.

PROSECUTOR: So you think people should just do as they like. Like and die whenever? These are very dangerous anarchist tendencies. So to the list of dishonest or incompetent and unreliable the court can see a budding anarchist in the dock. How would life be if everyone thought you could be born and die whenever you want or that you can do whatever you feel like. It’s people like you clogging up the court system.

WILSON: (Falls off his chair and his stands falls over. He is helped to his feet.) You’re really mean making little things sound really bad. If this is justice the system stinks.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Wilson you really have shown your true irresponsible colours today. (To the judge) I rest my case.

JUDGE: Members of the jury. You have heard the evidence. I now charge you to consider the evidence and decide your verdict.

The jury leave the court room. They return 2 minutes latter and assume their seats.

JUDGE: Will the foreman of the jury please stand.

(Foreman stands)

JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict in which all members of the jury are unanimous?

FOREMAN: We have.

JUDGE:  What then is the verdict of the jury?

FOREMAN: Guilty!

JUDGE: Thank you Mr. Foreman and members of the jury. You are now dismissed. (To Mr Wilson) Mr. Wilson please stand. (He stands with the help of some staff.)

JUDGE: Mr. Wilson you have been convicted of contacting an illness or disease likely to put you at risk of breaching your life certificate and associated life permits. You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers. I will remand you for formal sentencing at a latter stage. This case is adjourned pending sentencing.

CLERK: All stand. (The judge exits)

The Unlawfully Alive

 In a courtroom the clerk rises as the judge enters.

CLERK: All rise. (All in attendance rise and then resume their seats as the judge takes his.)

 JUDGE: Is Miss Megan Thompson present today?

(A woman rises.).

MEG: I am known as just Meg.

JUDGE: Are you represented by anyone?

MEG: Yes

DANIELS: I am representing the defendant..

JUDGE: (Nods to the prosecutor)

PROSECUTOR: I Call Miss Thompson to the stand. (Meg makes her way)

CLERK: You can either affirm or take an oath.

MEG: I’ll take an oath.

CLERK: Take this bible in one hand and hold and read from this sheet with the other.

MEG:  I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson are you still alive?

MEG: Obviously I’m still alive. Otherwise I wouldn’t be answering this question.

JUDGE: Just answer the questions concisely and without making comments.

MEG: Yes. Sorry.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you inform the court of the date and year of your birth?

MEG: The 5^th of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: So that makes you 98 years old.

MEG: That is correct. I’ll be 99 in a few weeks.

PROSECUTOR: So you were born near the onset of World War One. Do you have any memories of that war?

MEG: Not really. Just a memory of one man in uniform.

PROSECUTOR: Good. (Looking to the judge) I have here a document which I would like to submit as exhibit A. (He hands it to the judge who nods approval.) Miss Thompson can you read the second last paragraph near the bottom for the court? (The judge hands it to Meg.)

MEG: Yes. This is to certify that Megan Thompson is hereby permitted to hold her life until the 5^th day of September 1984. (Meg now looks worried and anxious)

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Can you Miss Thompson repeat that date again for the benefit of the court?

MEG (Softly) 5^th of September 1984.

PROSECUTOR: Yes I thought I heard right. Yes the 5^th day of September 1984. Now while you’re on a roll perhaps you can tell us today’s date.

MEG: The 19^th of August 2013.

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Isn’t that interesting? You are living an unauthorised life.

DANIELS: Objection your worship. My most learned colleague has not established that my client’s life is unauthorised with just this document.

JUDGE: Overruled!

PROSECUTOR: OK. Miss Thompson while you’re on a roll of providing the court with good answers to the questions posed by the prosecutor perhaps you can provide a very good answer to my third question. Why are you still here? Why are you still alive? DO you have a very good answer? (He looks leased and satisfied with his fingers  on his lapels and out stretched fingers.)

MEG: I only know that I had authority to live. I had no idea there was an expiry date.

PROSECUTOR: Ignorance is no excuse. Even so how can anyone believe your assertions? After all you are not clear even where you were born. You’re worship (looking to the judge) I would like to submit exhibit B. (Judge nods approval.) This Miss Thompson is a birth certificate, your birth certificate Miss Thompson, which I would like you to read to the court for us.

DANIELS: Objection your worship. The circumstances of my client’s birth have no bearing on the case.

The prosecutor and the judge have a brief discussion softly. Daniels is called to the bench.

JUDGE: Over ruled. Miss Thompson you can answer the prosecutor’s questions relating to your birth certificate.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you please read what date is listed for your birth. for the benefit of the court .

MEG: The 5^th of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: Exactly so. Just as you have previously testified. Now for the benefit of the court could you Miss Thompson read the place of your birth. Just the county will do.

MEG: Devon.

PROSECUTOR: Now Miss Thompson I would like you to read an extract from the statement you made to the police. Your worship I would like to submit exhibit C. (Judge nods approval).

DANIELS: I object. The extract is only a selected portion of a much longer interview. It can only prejudice my client out of the wider context.

Judge signals for both Daniels and the prosecutor to approach the bench. A soft discussion is heard.

JUDGE: I will allow it.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson please read the paragraph highlighted.

MEG: I was born in England in 1914 in Dorset and moved out to Australia when I was 9 or 10.

PROSECUTOR: Yes you made a false statement to the police. Can you explain this discrepancy?

MEG: But I wasn’t sure. We moved around a lot wherever my father could find work. We were in Devon, in Dorset, in London, In Cornwall, in Bath and at Crewe. I don’t know. We were everywhere and then the family had an opportunity to settle in Australia. (Meg is now visibly shaking).

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you turn the page and read the next highlight paragraph.

MEG: We moved to Australia in 1924 or 1925.

PROSECUTOR: I would like to submit exhibit D. (Judge approves). Can you Miss Thompson read from this document?

MEG: Thompson Family – assisted passage, Reg Thompson, father, Rose Thompson, mother, Betty Thompson, daughter 14, Megan Thompson, 13, Chris.__

PROSECUTOR: Stop right there. How old was the said daughter Megan

MEG: 13 it said. I must have got it wrong.

PROSECUTOR:: Oh I think you must have. And the question is how much else have you got wrong. . Now Miss Thompson read the column “Date of travel.”

MEG: 3^rd July 1928.

PROSECUTOR: So it seems you are an unreliable source of information aren’t you? Tell me Miss Thompson is this an act of malice in the form of deceit or is it an act of incompetence on your part?

DANIELS: Objection! The prosecution is trying to stain the character of my client with that question.

JUDGE: Sustained.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson how many children did you have?

MEG: Three. Chris, Mary and Melissa but…

PROSECUTOR: How many?

MEG: Three but...

PROSECUTOR: I would like you to read from this high lighted section of your statement to the police.

MEG: I had two children Chris and Mary. (Meg is now worried and nervous,)

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Do we have more lies or do we have more incompetence? Ah?

MEG: That doesn’t mean anything. Melissa died as a baby and I was tired during the interview how can... (Prosecutor did not allow her to finish.)

PROSECUTOR: But you have more form don’t you Miss Thompson?

MEG: What do you mean?

PROSECUTOR: I mean this isn’t the first time you have lived an unauthorised life is it? (He hands the judge another document.) I would like to submit exhibit E. (The judge approves.) Miss Thompson can you read the highlighted section.

MEG: Miss Megan Thompson, conviction of unauthorised birth on the 5^th day of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: So it seems you’re in the habit of disregarding the permitting process and feel you can just live as and when you feel and just be born whenever you feel like it. Tell me Miss Thompson are you an anarchist?

MEG: What? Of course not. You’re just distorting everything.

PROSECUTOR: Did you make this information known to the police when making your statement?

MEG: (Softly) No:

PROSECUTOR: Again Miss Thompson. A bit louder for the benefit of the court.

MEG: No but you’re distorting everything.

PROSECUTOR: Distorting everything ah? You’re the unreliable one. You’re the one who misleads investigators. You’re the one who is inconsistent. And now we know you hid information from the police investigation into the complaint about your unauthorised extended life your previous conviction of an unauthorised birth.

MEG: But that was all fixed up. I got all the required permits and certificates after that case.

PROSECUTOR: Why did you withhold this information from the police?

MEG: (Sobbing and audibly crying) I just want to live a quiet life. Why should we have this endless paper work, Certificates, permits and licences? I’ve never done any harm to anyone else.

PROSECUTOR: No harm ah. You’ve weaved and dodged proper permitting all your life. You have omitted important information and given much false information. And now you are expressing dangerous anarchist thoughts. What if everybody just decided they could just be born whenever they chose. What if everybody just decided to live or die whenever they liked? What a mess everything would be. There would be no respect for authority at all. What sort of society would you like to see? Just what sort of person are you? DO you have ANY regard for law and order?

MEG: (Crying) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m not a mean or nasty person. I’ll get the permits right.

DANIELS: Your worship I think it’s possible my client will alter her plea. I would like to call for an adjournment.

JUDGE: I adjourn this case until tomorrow. The court will take a 15 minute break and then we will precede to Wilson verses the State.

CLERK: All rise! (All attendees in court rise as the judge exits the court.)

 

The Heaven of Pointless Labours

Graham had just floated towards a white light. After reaching the light he entered a waiting room and assumed a seat. Off to one side a sculpture of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a slope.

ANGEL: Graham! (Gesturing towards an interview room)

GRAHAM: Yes

ANGEL: Enter please. (Graham proceeds)

ANGEL: So how are you today?

GRAHAM: Well I’m dead so I suppose that’s not a good start to the day.

ANGEL: Yes (chuckles lightly) that’s a common reply. An oldie but a goodie. Now let’s get down to the business of inducting you into the afterlife. You have arrived at the Heaven of Pointless Labours.

GRAHAM: What? The Heaven of Pointless what? You mean there is more than one heaven?

ANGEL: Hold on! Hold on! One question at a time. Yes there are many different types of heavens. There are enough to give to each deathé what they prayed for and to reflect what they put into and got out of life. The clue here is “in heaven as on earth” which is an inversion of “on earth as in heaven”. Not everyone can just go to the one sort of heaven. This heaven, now your heaven for all eternity is called the “Heaven of Pointless Labours”.

GRAHAM: Ah?

ANGEL: Yes. You saw the sculpture of Sisyphus in the waiting room. Are you familiar with his story?

GRAHAM: Only vaguely. Someone pushing a rock up hill or something.

ANGEL: Yes. He had to push a boulder up a hill only for it to roll all the way back down just short of the top and he had to do this for all eternity. Have you heard of Tantalus?

GRAHAM: No.

ANGEL: Tantalus was hungry for all eternity. He had to reach up out of a river to a fruit bearing tree on the river bank but which was always just out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to reach the fruit it was always just out of range.

GRAHAM: So what does any of this have to do with me?

ANGEL: I need to discuss with you what your particular pointless labour will be.

GRAHAM: Which is?

ANGEL: That will be letterboxing. Putting pamphlets in letterboxes forever. For this labour there are an infinite number of streets and an infinite number of suburbs with an infinite number of letterboxes to stuff. There is no end. What is more not one pamphlet will ever be read. All will be discarded as rubbish.

GRAHAM: But why? What did I do to deserve this?

ANGEL: On earth you led a pointless life. You worked hard in a job with no point. Furthermore you recited the Lord’s Prayer Our Father” with the phrase ‘on earth as in heaven’ which means in heaven as on earth. By this you agreed to a contract.

GRAHAM: What?

ANGEL: Oh yes we have the contract on screen and the details of all the times and places you said the Lord’s Prayer. This is a contract. This is it (printing off an example of one for Graham to view). As your life was pointless so your afterlife will also be pointless. Are you aware of the concept of infinity?

GRAHAM: Yes of course.

ANGEL: But are you REALLY aware of what infinity means?

GRAHAM: Just means a number without end like the number of decimal places in Pi.

ANGEL: But do you really know what an infinite number of pamphlets delivered to an infinite number of letterboxes mean? Task without end. Take a googol. That’s not it. Take a googolplex. That’s not it either. Have you heard of Grahams Number?

GRAHAM: I have heard a googol was 10¹⁰⁰ and a googolplex is 10^googol..  Haven’t heard of Grahams Number though.

ANGEL: There was a mathematician by the name of Graham who is no relation to you of course oh pointless one. He posed an esoteric mathematical problem and the answer he came with was unimaginably huge putting the old googol and googolplex into the shade of utter insignificance. There is no way to really imagine how large Graham’s Number is. If you think you understand how large Grahams Number is then you haven’t really understood Grahams Number. Well your work into the infinite future can not be described even by Graham’s Number. Graham’s Number to the power of Graham’s Number would not cover it. In fact a tower of powers of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number in a stake of powers that is Grahams Number high will not cover it. All those pamphlets to be delivered and all of which will never be read. Delivered forever. There is simply no end. EVER! Graham, this is your afterlife.

GRAHAM: What if I do not deliver? What if I simply reject the job?

ANGEL: You can work flexibly to your own routes and at hours which suit you but you can not choose not to work. To do so will cause you too much spiritual torment and such torment can only be relieved by pointless labour. Graham, this is your afterlife. Forever.

GRAHAM: But I never wanted this. I never dreamed that this was what the afterlife would be like.

ANGEL: I have already shown you your contract ‘As on earth so in heaven’ and as your life on earth was pointless so too in heaven your afterlife will be pointless. Now if you would like to proceed to the next waiting room to wait you will set up in your labour. My job of inducting you here is done.

Graham moves to the next waiting area. There are several other new inductees in the room.

MICHAEL: (to Graham) Got your labour then?

GRAHAM: You could say that. Delivering pamphlets to letterboxes and none of them will ever be read.. Joy behold.

MICHAEL: Yes it comes as a bit of a shock. I myself will be selling houses to buyers who will never buy.

GEORGE: I was in one of the helping professions myself and here I will be dispensing advice to clients who will never follow it. Well at least I can see the humour in it. Just like earth, only worse. I never enjoyed work on earth. It seemed so pointless. Yet here in the afterlife I will be working forever for no reason and never for any satisfaction.

MARY: I will be cleaning the rooms of a hotel with an infinite number of rooms and every room guest will find fault with my work. Who would’ve thought that Hilbert’s Hotel existed here in the afterlife.

GRAHAM: Hilbert’s Hotel?

MARY: Yes it was a mathematical thought experiment. A hypothetical hotel with an infinite number of rooms. But now in the afterlife I will be working in an analogue of it forever. I signed a contract that ‘a women’s work is never done’ and that ‘no one is ever satisfied’. That is ‘signed’ in the form of a prayer. The first angel printed off a copy to show me when I gasped in disbelief and horror.

VINCE: I must date women forever and none of them will ever be impressed.

MICHAEL: Well that’s our heaven. Pointless labour for no reason. Still, it could be worse.

GRAHAM: Worse? How? What could be worse than pointless labour?

MICHAEL: You could always land at one of those evangelical heavens or a Marxist one where the need to convert an ‘evil one’ means they will accuse each other of being evil forever. Paranoia forever. Plus who would want to live with those holy rollers. At least when engaged in our pointless labours we can occupy ourselves with a song about evangelicals going to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

(A hearty laugh from all present)

VINCE: I can see you’re going to be the lively cheeky one up here.

MICHAEL: Why not? What else is there to do forever? Apart from our pointless labours that is. I suppose there are heavens where there is nothing to do ever. Forever! He who is walking through manure does at least have his nose above the manure.

GEORGE: I bet that you can find Sisyphus here somewhere. I bet he’s still pushing that rock uphill.

VINCE: And Phil Connors still freezing his butt off in Groundhog Day. (Chuckle)

GEORGE: Except he broke out of it. I don’t think there is any way of us doing that. I mean this isn’t someone’s story or someone’s imagination. This is real. No one could ever write a story like this. Still Groundhog Day was a good movie. Never dreamed that I would be Phil Connors so to speak in the afterlife.

TOM: I will be continuing my work in science but none of my papers will ever be accepted for publication. I am destined to know stuff which no one will believe. You could well call me Cassandra.

MEG: I was a telemarketer and in the afterlife I will be making unsuccessful calls from an infinite database of phone numbers for all eternity. An infinite number of people hanging up on me.

NEW COMER: (just arrived into the room) Well that certainly wasn’t what I expected. An everlasting life? Who needs it?

MICHAEL: Ah never mind. There are better and worse heavens and we were dealt this one.

ANGEL 2: All of you come with me and I’ll assign you your labours. Enjoy your time with us. There is no hurry. We have all the time you’ll ever need.

 And they all lived pointlessly ever after.

Interrogation of Refugees.

The TV studio is populated by two beautiful news presenters. There is Rick, a tall dark haired heart throb with a deep voice. Siting next to him is a blond short haired immaculately dressed co presenter, Sandy.  She has a bit of a square face and prominent mouth. While not an absolutely god smacking beauty her hair certainly sets off a style of dress that drips.

SANDY: Refugees coming to this country pose a threat to our way of life but a new program promises to vet out the trouble makers from the rest. The holding facility at Woomera is now being used to interrogate unwelcomed arrivals. It is hoped that a message will be sent to other would be arrivals that there is a queue and queue jumping will not in any way be tolerated. We cross to Tony.

TONY: Yes Sandy it is hoped that this new program set in place will separate genuine asylum seekers from the free loaders and reduce the number of boat arrivals. The new facility was only made possible by changes in the law to exclude normal legal avenues to the courts. Critics have said this denies asylum seekers their human rights but the government maintains that this recognises the responsibility of asylum seekers not to weigh down the legal avenues which after all are for the benefit of real Australians.

SANDY: So Tony what does this entail for the asylum seekers and for those responsible for implementing this program? (Behind Tony are students holding signs saying “Hello Mum.”)

TONY: Being trialed by the department are a number of soft interrogation techniques perfected at the famous Guantanamo Bay terrorist holding facility. It’s well known that many asylum seekers will lie in order to jump the queue but to date the government has found it difficult to obtain reliable information from arrivals because of legal limitations which have severely restricted interrogation options by the department. In a rare display of bipartition unity between the government and opposition these have now been removed. By coincidence some year 12 students on work experience from several schools across Australia have been stationed at Woomera and they have been observing the initial stages of this new program.

SANDY: And?

TONY: Many of the students have said they are proud to be at the front line defending their country. They liken it to the Anzacs at Gallipoli. They are proud to be following in the footsteps of their grandfathers and great grandfathers. A few of the refugees are already been softened up and this has given some of. the students present great satisfaction. One student said that this trip should be compulsory for all students in year 12 no matter what career they intend following to give all students a feeling of what it means to be Australian. They all concur that this is a real privilege.

SANDY: Tony what are the initial results of this trial.

TONY: One afghan was worked on today. A very difficult case in fact. An older gentleman; in fact in his 70s, but officers warn against allowing age to lend any sympathy to the case given the nature of the sort of people we are dealing with. After denying all ill intent he did come around late in the afternoon but the interrogators felt he was still with holding back useful information. He finally expired near the end of the interrogation session. One of the students observing the process said that there’s one refo we won’t have to worry about anymore. That quip raised a light laughter of agreement among some of those present.

SANDY: So what will happen to the body of this asylum seeker now?

TONY: Well I guess the carcass will be thrown over the fence for the crows to pick over.

SANDY: How have the students reacted to this work? One night imagine this sort of work at close range can be confronting to the senses.

TONY: Yes Sandy it can be but these year 12 students are of sterner stuff. They have been very enthusiastic about this work. They are very committed with strength of character. They are not the type to be paralysed by false compassion and crocodile pleads of suffering. They have real moral fibre and resolve. The students  wear their school uniforms with pride. This morning one student was barking abuse at another from his school to straighten his tie. Such is the pride in themselves and their schools. They wrap themselves in the Australian Flag. There is drive and a real passionate competitive spirit between the students of the different schools they represented. In fact there was one exchange of rivalries between students of 2 different schools that got a little out of hand. Out of that mêlée one student was sent to hospital last night but he’s expected to be on his feet in a week or so.

SANDY: Wow! Such a change from the students of yesteryear. So different from the generation who did not have the moral fibre and patriotic resolve to support our Vietnam heroes and who would routinely spit on the flag; the type we are so ashamed of today.

TONY: Yes Sandy. If you don’t have pride in yourself or your school how can you take pride in your country? How can anyone have the strength to do what is necessary? But we can take pride in today’s generation. We know we can depend on this up and coming generation should they be called to take up arms in the shadow of the Anzacs against those who would do us harm.

SANDY: It just makes you feel great to be living in this great country. I take my hat off to these students. It’s really what this country is all about.

SANDY: Thank you Tony. It certainly must be quiet a special trip for those students. It’s a wonderful country isn’t it?

TONY: Indeed it is. But let us spare a thought for the officers working here full time. These people are heroes. They have been subject to unfair criticism by refugee advocates. These men and women feel as though they have been spat on by other Australians taken in by fabricated hard luck stories by these queue jumpers. What about having some sympathy for you fellow Australians who are doing such a difficult job so far from their families.

SANDY: Indeed. To criticise our refugee detention policy is really to show disrespect for the brave men and women working away from home and loved ones. Well thank you for your report Tony.

TONY: Thank you Sandy. I’ll see you latter.

SANDY: That was Tony Wellman from Woomera. There are sure to be some ravenous ravens enjoying left overs in Woomera. (There is some light chuckle from Sandy and Rick.)

RICK: Yes indeed. Coming up after the break will be all the sports, finance news and the weather.

(Station break theme)