An Unauthorised Illness

 In a courtroom the clerk rises as the judge enters.

CLERK: All rise. (All in attendance rise and then resume their seats as the judge takes his.)

 JUDGE: Is Mr Kevin Wilson present today?

CLERK: Call Mr Wilson.

(A court official makes his way to the door)

OFFICIAL: Mr Wilson! (Wilson is wearing pyjamas and a hospital issue dressing gown enters and takes the stand. He has an oxygen tank on wheels and a stand holding an intravenous feed.)

CLERK: Will you take an oath or affirm?

WILSON: I’ll take an affirmation.

CLERK: Please read from this sheet.

WILSON: I affirm that the evidence I am about to give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

JUDGE: Mr Wilson, are you represented here today?

WILSON: No.

JUDGE: I would strongly advise you to seek representation before proceeding.

WILSON: No. That is all right. I’ll defend myself.

JUDGE: (Gesturing towards the prosecutor) Proceed. .

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson give you please give your date of birth.

WILSON: The 4^th of April 1965.

PROSECUTOR: So that would make you Mr Wilson how old?

WILSON: I am 48 years old.

PROSECUTOR: Your worship I would like to submit exhibit A, a birth certificate for Mr. Wilson and exhibit A a life certificate for the said Mr. Wilson. (Judge nods approval)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read from your life certificate the heading highlighted in the 5^th column?

WILSON: Expiry date.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I see they taught you how to read in school.

WILSON: What? Of course they did. There’s no need to be patronising.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. We’ll also see how you go about answering questions as well Mr Wilson.  Now Mr. Wilson can you read the date below the heading in the 5^th column?

WILSON: 3^rd April 2045.

PROSECUTOR: Very good Mr. Wilson. Now while you’re on a roll dazzling the court with your superb use of your cognitive skills perhaps you can impress on the court the display of your mathematical skills. On the expiry date of you life certificate how old will you be on that expiry date.

WILSON: Nearly 80.

PROSECUTOR: Wow. You are good. Very good. Yes. 80 years less one day. Tell me Mr Wilson how is your present state of health. From my point of view down here you look rather poorly.

WILSON: I have polycystic kidney disease and cancer of the spleen. My general health is badly compromised and my lungs are failing. I need to take this portable oxygen tank with me and I could only really come to court with this stand dripping pain killers in a saline solution.

PROSECUTOR: Well that’s your diagnosis. Now for the benefit of the court perhaps you can briefly give us your prognosis.

WILSON: Well I’m not expected to live another year.

PROSECUTOR: Oh really. What sort of a person would you describe yourself as being?

WILSON: An average good person. Not too offensive. Honest. Easy going.

PROSECUTOR: Tell us Mr. Wilson would you consider yourself a law abiding citizen?

WILSON: Of course.

PROSECUTOR: Perhaps you have not noticed the discrepancy between your account of yourself as a law abiding citizen and the reality that you are in grave danger of checking of this life before the expiry date listed on your life certificate. Tell the court Mr. Wilson are you similarly deluded about other aspects of yourself..

WILSON: What? No!. My illness has nothing to do with what sort of a person I am.

PROSECUTOR: Usually not perhaps Mr. Wilson except you have had the temerity to go and become seriously ill without being properly permitted to do so.

WILSON: I did not mean to. (In a slightly higher pitched apologetic voice.)

PROSECUTOR: Tell me Mr. Wilson in your police interview were you completely truthful in your statement to the police?

WILSON: Yes! (Slightly agitated)

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge)  I would like the defendant to read a highlighted section from his birth certificate. (Judge hands the document to Mr. Wilson.) I would like to submit this as exhibit B. (Judge nods approval.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted place of birth on your birth certificate?

WILSON: Lewisham, NSW.

PROSECUTOR: Yes and of course that was on the 4^th of April 1965?

WILSON: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: Very good. I would like to submit exhibit C being a copy of the statement you gave to the police with in connection with this charge. (Judge hands Mr. Wilson the statement.) Can you read the highlighted paragraph on page 14?

WILSON: I was born on the 4 April 1965 in Petersham. My mother…

PROSECUTOR: Stop right there. Well. Well. Well. You were not truthful to the police in giving your statement were you Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: Yes but…

PROSECUTOR: But nothing. You said you regarded yourself as honest .Just how deluded are you? Or is it delusion or is it deception?

WILSON: (Angry and agitated) Deception? What purpose could deception serve for such a minor detail? You’re just blowing small discrepancies into major deceptions. Petersham is next door to Lewisham. What does it matter?

PROSECUTOR: What does it matter? It matters because it reflects either on your character or on your mental competence. In either case your testimony is dubious. But this wasn’t the only example of providing false or incomplete information was it Mr. Wilson?

WILSON: What are you talking about?

PROSECUTOR: Can you read from the highlighted section on page 17?

WILSON: I went to school in Canterbury. I was not ever in trouble at school as a child.

PROSECUTOR: (To the judge.) I would like to submit a document as exhibit D and for it to be handed to the defendant to read from the highlighted area. (Judge nods and the document is handed to Mr. Wilson.) Mr Wilson can you read the highlighted section?

WILSON: Kevin Wilson suspended for 3 days for failing to take responsibility for starting an argument which resulted in minor injuries to himself and Jeff Hoare.

PROSECUTOR: Yes Mr. Wilson. Quiet an omission.

WILSON: That’s unfair. How could I remember that incident? It was just some silly playground thing.

PROSECUTOR: So not only are you an unreliable source of information but you also won’t take responsibility for your actions. Tell me Mr. Wilson what sort of a person are you?

WILSON: That’s not fair.

PROSECUTOR: Not fair? You’ve just by your own admission verified that you are dishonest or incompetent ad irresponsible.

WILSON: (Visibly shaking and starting to wheeze.)  I may have made some mistakes but I’m not a bad person. I’m just an average person trying to make my way through life best as I can.. Look I’m a sick man.

PROSECUTOR: And whose fault is that? You went off and became ill without the proper permits. And on top of that you plea your illness as a reason for mercy. Well that’s like the orphaned boy pleading for clemency in the murder of his parents on the ground that he’s an orphan. Do you really expect anyone to take you seriously after it has been established that you are also unreliable and dishonest or incompetent?

WILSON: Look why should my early death be a legal matter? If I die early that is that.

PROSECUTOR: So you think people should just do as they like. Like and die whenever? These are very dangerous anarchist tendencies. So to the list of dishonest or incompetent and unreliable the court can see a budding anarchist in the dock. How would life be if everyone thought you could be born and die whenever you want or that you can do whatever you feel like. It’s people like you clogging up the court system.

WILSON: (Falls off his chair and his stands falls over. He is helped to his feet.) You’re really mean making little things sound really bad. If this is justice the system stinks.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Wilson you really have shown your true irresponsible colours today. (To the judge) I rest my case.

JUDGE: Members of the jury. You have heard the evidence. I now charge you to consider the evidence and decide your verdict.

The jury leave the court room. They return 2 minutes latter and assume their seats.

JUDGE: Will the foreman of the jury please stand.

(Foreman stands)

JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict in which all members of the jury are unanimous?

FOREMAN: We have.

JUDGE:  What then is the verdict of the jury?

FOREMAN: Guilty!

JUDGE: Thank you Mr. Foreman and members of the jury. You are now dismissed. (To Mr Wilson) Mr. Wilson please stand. (He stands with the help of some staff.)

JUDGE: Mr. Wilson you have been convicted of contacting an illness or disease likely to put you at risk of breaching your life certificate and associated life permits. You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers. I will remand you for formal sentencing at a latter stage. This case is adjourned pending sentencing.

CLERK: All stand. (The judge exits)

The Unlawfully Alive

 In a courtroom the clerk rises as the judge enters.

CLERK: All rise. (All in attendance rise and then resume their seats as the judge takes his.)

 JUDGE: Is Miss Megan Thompson present today?

(A woman rises.).

MEG: I am known as just Meg.

JUDGE: Are you represented by anyone?

MEG: Yes

DANIELS: I am representing the defendant..

JUDGE: (Nods to the prosecutor)

PROSECUTOR: I Call Miss Thompson to the stand. (Meg makes her way)

CLERK: You can either affirm or take an oath.

MEG: I’ll take an oath.

CLERK: Take this bible in one hand and hold and read from this sheet with the other.

MEG:  I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson are you still alive?

MEG: Obviously I’m still alive. Otherwise I wouldn’t be answering this question.

JUDGE: Just answer the questions concisely and without making comments.

MEG: Yes. Sorry.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you inform the court of the date and year of your birth?

MEG: The 5^th of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: So that makes you 98 years old.

MEG: That is correct. I’ll be 99 in a few weeks.

PROSECUTOR: So you were born near the onset of World War One. Do you have any memories of that war?

MEG: Not really. Just a memory of one man in uniform.

PROSECUTOR: Good. (Looking to the judge) I have here a document which I would like to submit as exhibit A. (He hands it to the judge who nods approval.) Miss Thompson can you read the second last paragraph near the bottom for the court? (The judge hands it to Meg.)

MEG: Yes. This is to certify that Megan Thompson is hereby permitted to hold her life until the 5^th day of September 1984. (Meg now looks worried and anxious)

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Can you Miss Thompson repeat that date again for the benefit of the court?

MEG (Softly) 5^th of September 1984.

PROSECUTOR: Yes I thought I heard right. Yes the 5^th day of September 1984. Now while you’re on a roll perhaps you can tell us today’s date.

MEG: The 19^th of August 2013.

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Isn’t that interesting? You are living an unauthorised life.

DANIELS: Objection your worship. My most learned colleague has not established that my client’s life is unauthorised with just this document.

JUDGE: Overruled!

PROSECUTOR: OK. Miss Thompson while you’re on a roll of providing the court with good answers to the questions posed by the prosecutor perhaps you can provide a very good answer to my third question. Why are you still here? Why are you still alive? DO you have a very good answer? (He looks leased and satisfied with his fingers  on his lapels and out stretched fingers.)

MEG: I only know that I had authority to live. I had no idea there was an expiry date.

PROSECUTOR: Ignorance is no excuse. Even so how can anyone believe your assertions? After all you are not clear even where you were born. You’re worship (looking to the judge) I would like to submit exhibit B. (Judge nods approval.) This Miss Thompson is a birth certificate, your birth certificate Miss Thompson, which I would like you to read to the court for us.

DANIELS: Objection your worship. The circumstances of my client’s birth have no bearing on the case.

The prosecutor and the judge have a brief discussion softly. Daniels is called to the bench.

JUDGE: Over ruled. Miss Thompson you can answer the prosecutor’s questions relating to your birth certificate.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you please read what date is listed for your birth. for the benefit of the court .

MEG: The 5^th of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: Exactly so. Just as you have previously testified. Now for the benefit of the court could you Miss Thompson read the place of your birth. Just the county will do.

MEG: Devon.

PROSECUTOR: Now Miss Thompson I would like you to read an extract from the statement you made to the police. Your worship I would like to submit exhibit C. (Judge nods approval).

DANIELS: I object. The extract is only a selected portion of a much longer interview. It can only prejudice my client out of the wider context.

Judge signals for both Daniels and the prosecutor to approach the bench. A soft discussion is heard.

JUDGE: I will allow it.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson please read the paragraph highlighted.

MEG: I was born in England in 1914 in Dorset and moved out to Australia when I was 9 or 10.

PROSECUTOR: Yes you made a false statement to the police. Can you explain this discrepancy?

MEG: But I wasn’t sure. We moved around a lot wherever my father could find work. We were in Devon, in Dorset, in London, In Cornwall, in Bath and at Crewe. I don’t know. We were everywhere and then the family had an opportunity to settle in Australia. (Meg is now visibly shaking).

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson can you turn the page and read the next highlight paragraph.

MEG: We moved to Australia in 1924 or 1925.

PROSECUTOR: I would like to submit exhibit D. (Judge approves). Can you Miss Thompson read from this document?

MEG: Thompson Family – assisted passage, Reg Thompson, father, Rose Thompson, mother, Betty Thompson, daughter 14, Megan Thompson, 13, Chris.__

PROSECUTOR: Stop right there. How old was the said daughter Megan

MEG: 13 it said. I must have got it wrong.

PROSECUTOR:: Oh I think you must have. And the question is how much else have you got wrong. . Now Miss Thompson read the column “Date of travel.”

MEG: 3^rd July 1928.

PROSECUTOR: So it seems you are an unreliable source of information aren’t you? Tell me Miss Thompson is this an act of malice in the form of deceit or is it an act of incompetence on your part?

DANIELS: Objection! The prosecution is trying to stain the character of my client with that question.

JUDGE: Sustained.

PROSECUTOR: Miss Thompson how many children did you have?

MEG: Three. Chris, Mary and Melissa but…

PROSECUTOR: How many?

MEG: Three but...

PROSECUTOR: I would like you to read from this high lighted section of your statement to the police.

MEG: I had two children Chris and Mary. (Meg is now worried and nervous,)

PROSECUTOR: Well. Well. Well. Do we have more lies or do we have more incompetence? Ah?

MEG: That doesn’t mean anything. Melissa died as a baby and I was tired during the interview how can... (Prosecutor did not allow her to finish.)

PROSECUTOR: But you have more form don’t you Miss Thompson?

MEG: What do you mean?

PROSECUTOR: I mean this isn’t the first time you have lived an unauthorised life is it? (He hands the judge another document.) I would like to submit exhibit E. (The judge approves.) Miss Thompson can you read the highlighted section.

MEG: Miss Megan Thompson, conviction of unauthorised birth on the 5^th day of September 1914.

PROSECUTOR: So it seems you’re in the habit of disregarding the permitting process and feel you can just live as and when you feel and just be born whenever you feel like it. Tell me Miss Thompson are you an anarchist?

MEG: What? Of course not. You’re just distorting everything.

PROSECUTOR: Did you make this information known to the police when making your statement?

MEG: (Softly) No:

PROSECUTOR: Again Miss Thompson. A bit louder for the benefit of the court.

MEG: No but you’re distorting everything.

PROSECUTOR: Distorting everything ah? You’re the unreliable one. You’re the one who misleads investigators. You’re the one who is inconsistent. And now we know you hid information from the police investigation into the complaint about your unauthorised extended life your previous conviction of an unauthorised birth.

MEG: But that was all fixed up. I got all the required permits and certificates after that case.

PROSECUTOR: Why did you withhold this information from the police?

MEG: (Sobbing and audibly crying) I just want to live a quiet life. Why should we have this endless paper work, Certificates, permits and licences? I’ve never done any harm to anyone else.

PROSECUTOR: No harm ah. You’ve weaved and dodged proper permitting all your life. You have omitted important information and given much false information. And now you are expressing dangerous anarchist thoughts. What if everybody just decided they could just be born whenever they chose. What if everybody just decided to live or die whenever they liked? What a mess everything would be. There would be no respect for authority at all. What sort of society would you like to see? Just what sort of person are you? DO you have ANY regard for law and order?

MEG: (Crying) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m not a mean or nasty person. I’ll get the permits right.

DANIELS: Your worship I think it’s possible my client will alter her plea. I would like to call for an adjournment.

JUDGE: I adjourn this case until tomorrow. The court will take a 15 minute break and then we will precede to Wilson verses the State.

CLERK: All rise! (All attendees in court rise as the judge exits the court.)

 

The Heaven of Pointless Labours

Graham had just floated towards a white light. After reaching the light he entered a waiting room and assumed a seat. Off to one side a sculpture of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a slope.

ANGEL: Graham! (Gesturing towards an interview room)

GRAHAM: Yes

ANGEL: Enter please. (Graham proceeds)

ANGEL: So how are you today?

GRAHAM: Well I’m dead so I suppose that’s not a good start to the day.

ANGEL: Yes (chuckles lightly) that’s a common reply. An oldie but a goodie. Now let’s get down to the business of inducting you into the afterlife. You have arrived at the Heaven of Pointless Labours.

GRAHAM: What? The Heaven of Pointless what? You mean there is more than one heaven?

ANGEL: Hold on! Hold on! One question at a time. Yes there are many different types of heavens. There are enough to give to each deathé what they prayed for and to reflect what they put into and got out of life. The clue here is “in heaven as on earth” which is an inversion of “on earth as in heaven”. Not everyone can just go to the one sort of heaven. This heaven, now your heaven for all eternity is called the “Heaven of Pointless Labours”.

GRAHAM: Ah?

ANGEL: Yes. You saw the sculpture of Sisyphus in the waiting room. Are you familiar with his story?

GRAHAM: Only vaguely. Someone pushing a rock up hill or something.

ANGEL: Yes. He had to push a boulder up a hill only for it to roll all the way back down just short of the top and he had to do this for all eternity. Have you heard of Tantalus?

GRAHAM: No.

ANGEL: Tantalus was hungry for all eternity. He had to reach up out of a river to a fruit bearing tree on the river bank but which was always just out of reach. No matter how hard he tried to reach the fruit it was always just out of range.

GRAHAM: So what does any of this have to do with me?

ANGEL: I need to discuss with you what your particular pointless labour will be.

GRAHAM: Which is?

ANGEL: That will be letterboxing. Putting pamphlets in letterboxes forever. For this labour there are an infinite number of streets and an infinite number of suburbs with an infinite number of letterboxes to stuff. There is no end. What is more not one pamphlet will ever be read. All will be discarded as rubbish.

GRAHAM: But why? What did I do to deserve this?

ANGEL: On earth you led a pointless life. You worked hard in a job with no point. Furthermore you recited the Lord’s Prayer Our Father” with the phrase ‘on earth as in heaven’ which means in heaven as on earth. By this you agreed to a contract.

GRAHAM: What?

ANGEL: Oh yes we have the contract on screen and the details of all the times and places you said the Lord’s Prayer. This is a contract. This is it (printing off an example of one for Graham to view). As your life was pointless so your afterlife will also be pointless. Are you aware of the concept of infinity?

GRAHAM: Yes of course.

ANGEL: But are you REALLY aware of what infinity means?

GRAHAM: Just means a number without end like the number of decimal places in Pi.

ANGEL: But do you really know what an infinite number of pamphlets delivered to an infinite number of letterboxes mean? Task without end. Take a googol. That’s not it. Take a googolplex. That’s not it either. Have you heard of Grahams Number?

GRAHAM: I have heard a googol was 10¹⁰⁰ and a googolplex is 10^googol..  Haven’t heard of Grahams Number though.

ANGEL: There was a mathematician by the name of Graham who is no relation to you of course oh pointless one. He posed an esoteric mathematical problem and the answer he came with was unimaginably huge putting the old googol and googolplex into the shade of utter insignificance. There is no way to really imagine how large Graham’s Number is. If you think you understand how large Grahams Number is then you haven’t really understood Grahams Number. Well your work into the infinite future can not be described even by Graham’s Number. Graham’s Number to the power of Graham’s Number would not cover it. In fact a tower of powers of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number to the power of Grahams Number in a stake of powers that is Grahams Number high will not cover it. All those pamphlets to be delivered and all of which will never be read. Delivered forever. There is simply no end. EVER! Graham, this is your afterlife.

GRAHAM: What if I do not deliver? What if I simply reject the job?

ANGEL: You can work flexibly to your own routes and at hours which suit you but you can not choose not to work. To do so will cause you too much spiritual torment and such torment can only be relieved by pointless labour. Graham, this is your afterlife. Forever.

GRAHAM: But I never wanted this. I never dreamed that this was what the afterlife would be like.

ANGEL: I have already shown you your contract ‘As on earth so in heaven’ and as your life on earth was pointless so too in heaven your afterlife will be pointless. Now if you would like to proceed to the next waiting room to wait you will set up in your labour. My job of inducting you here is done.

Graham moves to the next waiting area. There are several other new inductees in the room.

MICHAEL: (to Graham) Got your labour then?

GRAHAM: You could say that. Delivering pamphlets to letterboxes and none of them will ever be read.. Joy behold.

MICHAEL: Yes it comes as a bit of a shock. I myself will be selling houses to buyers who will never buy.

GEORGE: I was in one of the helping professions myself and here I will be dispensing advice to clients who will never follow it. Well at least I can see the humour in it. Just like earth, only worse. I never enjoyed work on earth. It seemed so pointless. Yet here in the afterlife I will be working forever for no reason and never for any satisfaction.

MARY: I will be cleaning the rooms of a hotel with an infinite number of rooms and every room guest will find fault with my work. Who would’ve thought that Hilbert’s Hotel existed here in the afterlife.

GRAHAM: Hilbert’s Hotel?

MARY: Yes it was a mathematical thought experiment. A hypothetical hotel with an infinite number of rooms. But now in the afterlife I will be working in an analogue of it forever. I signed a contract that ‘a women’s work is never done’ and that ‘no one is ever satisfied’. That is ‘signed’ in the form of a prayer. The first angel printed off a copy to show me when I gasped in disbelief and horror.

VINCE: I must date women forever and none of them will ever be impressed.

MICHAEL: Well that’s our heaven. Pointless labour for no reason. Still, it could be worse.

GRAHAM: Worse? How? What could be worse than pointless labour?

MICHAEL: You could always land at one of those evangelical heavens or a Marxist one where the need to convert an ‘evil one’ means they will accuse each other of being evil forever. Paranoia forever. Plus who would want to live with those holy rollers. At least when engaged in our pointless labours we can occupy ourselves with a song about evangelicals going to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

PAR-A-NOIA  FORRR-EV-ER

(A hearty laugh from all present)

VINCE: I can see you’re going to be the lively cheeky one up here.

MICHAEL: Why not? What else is there to do forever? Apart from our pointless labours that is. I suppose there are heavens where there is nothing to do ever. Forever! He who is walking through manure does at least have his nose above the manure.

GEORGE: I bet that you can find Sisyphus here somewhere. I bet he’s still pushing that rock uphill.

VINCE: And Phil Connors still freezing his butt off in Groundhog Day. (Chuckle)

GEORGE: Except he broke out of it. I don’t think there is any way of us doing that. I mean this isn’t someone’s story or someone’s imagination. This is real. No one could ever write a story like this. Still Groundhog Day was a good movie. Never dreamed that I would be Phil Connors so to speak in the afterlife.

TOM: I will be continuing my work in science but none of my papers will ever be accepted for publication. I am destined to know stuff which no one will believe. You could well call me Cassandra.

MEG: I was a telemarketer and in the afterlife I will be making unsuccessful calls from an infinite database of phone numbers for all eternity. An infinite number of people hanging up on me.

NEW COMER: (just arrived into the room) Well that certainly wasn’t what I expected. An everlasting life? Who needs it?

MICHAEL: Ah never mind. There are better and worse heavens and we were dealt this one.

ANGEL 2: All of you come with me and I’ll assign you your labours. Enjoy your time with us. There is no hurry. We have all the time you’ll ever need.

 And they all lived pointlessly ever after.

Interrogation of Refugees.

The TV studio is populated by two beautiful news presenters. There is Rick, a tall dark haired heart throb with a deep voice. Siting next to him is a blond short haired immaculately dressed co presenter, Sandy.  She has a bit of a square face and prominent mouth. While not an absolutely god smacking beauty her hair certainly sets off a style of dress that drips.

SANDY: Refugees coming to this country pose a threat to our way of life but a new program promises to vet out the trouble makers from the rest. The holding facility at Woomera is now being used to interrogate unwelcomed arrivals. It is hoped that a message will be sent to other would be arrivals that there is a queue and queue jumping will not in any way be tolerated. We cross to Tony.

TONY: Yes Sandy it is hoped that this new program set in place will separate genuine asylum seekers from the free loaders and reduce the number of boat arrivals. The new facility was only made possible by changes in the law to exclude normal legal avenues to the courts. Critics have said this denies asylum seekers their human rights but the government maintains that this recognises the responsibility of asylum seekers not to weigh down the legal avenues which after all are for the benefit of real Australians.

SANDY: So Tony what does this entail for the asylum seekers and for those responsible for implementing this program? (Behind Tony are students holding signs saying “Hello Mum.”)

TONY: Being trialed by the department are a number of soft interrogation techniques perfected at the famous Guantanamo Bay terrorist holding facility. It’s well known that many asylum seekers will lie in order to jump the queue but to date the government has found it difficult to obtain reliable information from arrivals because of legal limitations which have severely restricted interrogation options by the department. In a rare display of bipartition unity between the government and opposition these have now been removed. By coincidence some year 12 students on work experience from several schools across Australia have been stationed at Woomera and they have been observing the initial stages of this new program.

SANDY: And?

TONY: Many of the students have said they are proud to be at the front line defending their country. They liken it to the Anzacs at Gallipoli. They are proud to be following in the footsteps of their grandfathers and great grandfathers. A few of the refugees are already been softened up and this has given some of. the students present great satisfaction. One student said that this trip should be compulsory for all students in year 12 no matter what career they intend following to give all students a feeling of what it means to be Australian. They all concur that this is a real privilege.

SANDY: Tony what are the initial results of this trial.

TONY: One afghan was worked on today. A very difficult case in fact. An older gentleman; in fact in his 70s, but officers warn against allowing age to lend any sympathy to the case given the nature of the sort of people we are dealing with. After denying all ill intent he did come around late in the afternoon but the interrogators felt he was still with holding back useful information. He finally expired near the end of the interrogation session. One of the students observing the process said that there’s one refo we won’t have to worry about anymore. That quip raised a light laughter of agreement among some of those present.

SANDY: So what will happen to the body of this asylum seeker now?

TONY: Well I guess the carcass will be thrown over the fence for the crows to pick over.

SANDY: How have the students reacted to this work? One night imagine this sort of work at close range can be confronting to the senses.

TONY: Yes Sandy it can be but these year 12 students are of sterner stuff. They have been very enthusiastic about this work. They are very committed with strength of character. They are not the type to be paralysed by false compassion and crocodile pleads of suffering. They have real moral fibre and resolve. The students  wear their school uniforms with pride. This morning one student was barking abuse at another from his school to straighten his tie. Such is the pride in themselves and their schools. They wrap themselves in the Australian Flag. There is drive and a real passionate competitive spirit between the students of the different schools they represented. In fact there was one exchange of rivalries between students of 2 different schools that got a little out of hand. Out of that mêlée one student was sent to hospital last night but he’s expected to be on his feet in a week or so.

SANDY: Wow! Such a change from the students of yesteryear. So different from the generation who did not have the moral fibre and patriotic resolve to support our Vietnam heroes and who would routinely spit on the flag; the type we are so ashamed of today.

TONY: Yes Sandy. If you don’t have pride in yourself or your school how can you take pride in your country? How can anyone have the strength to do what is necessary? But we can take pride in today’s generation. We know we can depend on this up and coming generation should they be called to take up arms in the shadow of the Anzacs against those who would do us harm.

SANDY: It just makes you feel great to be living in this great country. I take my hat off to these students. It’s really what this country is all about.

SANDY: Thank you Tony. It certainly must be quiet a special trip for those students. It’s a wonderful country isn’t it?

TONY: Indeed it is. But let us spare a thought for the officers working here full time. These people are heroes. They have been subject to unfair criticism by refugee advocates. These men and women feel as though they have been spat on by other Australians taken in by fabricated hard luck stories by these queue jumpers. What about having some sympathy for you fellow Australians who are doing such a difficult job so far from their families.

SANDY: Indeed. To criticise our refugee detention policy is really to show disrespect for the brave men and women working away from home and loved ones. Well thank you for your report Tony.

TONY: Thank you Sandy. I’ll see you latter.

SANDY: That was Tony Wellman from Woomera. There are sure to be some ravenous ravens enjoying left overs in Woomera. (There is some light chuckle from Sandy and Rick.)

RICK: Yes indeed. Coming up after the break will be all the sports, finance news and the weather.

(Station break theme)

A Message from Our Sponsers

And now for some messages from our sponsors.

 

___________________________________________________________________

SANDPIPER LIFE TERMINATION SERVICES

We can deliver on most life termination services.

We specialise in assassinations, hit jobs, and drive-by shootings.

We clean up event scenes. No mess. No fuss. No bother

Just a clean delivery of service

Next time your business has an obstacle that requires lethal force

Contact one of our friendly sales consultants

Who will be happy to discuss contract options.

___________________________________________________________________

BASKET CASES ‘R’ US A French 18th century peasant woman addresses audience. She is supervising the collection of heads from the guillotine. WOMAN: (To the cheers of peasant spectators as a head drops into her basket) When you have to work as many hours as I do you need the right equipment for the job. A good basket to collect the heads ensures we do not have inadvertent bowling balls roll out on to the ground outside. That’s why we depend on the good people at Basket Cases ‘r’ Us. SALES CONSULTANT: Whether it’s collecting the laundry from the clothes lines or collecting heads from a guillotine Basket Cases ‘r’ Us will have the right basket for the your job.

 

___________________________________________________________________

Feral Logistics 

For all your animal removalist needs. We specialise in animal transport. Comfortable transit with our fully trained veterinarian staff on hand. We assist animals adjust to their new environments. Our record speaks for itself. The brown tree snake has adjusted well to its new home in Guam. We shipped the cane toad from Hawaii to Gordanvale in Queensland Australia. Here it has multiplied and out competed the local wild life to the extent that it has now spread to Western Australia. All thanks to our expertise. So get on the phone to us at Ferals next time you have a a major wild life movement.

___________________________________________________________________

Earthquakes

God is interviewed on the subject of earthquakes.

INTERVIEWER: It is said that you love people and care for them. Yet there is the question of earthquakes which are so destructive and kill so many people.

GOD: The earth is a most marvellous phenomenon. The planet is made up all manner of dynamic layers from an atmosphere from the mesosphere to the troposphere, an ocean of water, a crust, mantle, outer core and a solid iron inner core. Beautiful.  Simplicity of form. The hard crust floats in plates on top of a viscous mantle. The crust is like crème brulee and I just love cracking the surface of crème brulee with the back of a teaspoon. In a childish way it is just so satisfying and if a god can not be childish then who or what can? Why else is there a heaven if not to play with planets? That’s why we have tectonic plates; areas of hard crust floating on top of squishy mantle. Of course with thermal energy causing convection the crusty plates will rub giving what you call earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes. All fun stuff.

INTERVIEWER: I thought you had grander proposes than frivolous pursuits.

GOD: Of course I have understated my purpose. The landscapes I make are just awe inspiring. I’m a real artist.

INTERVIEWER: But are not earthquakes in punishment of wrong doers.

GOD: Quiet so. Why do you think the Indian Ocean tsunami happened and the earthquake and tsunami in Samoa?

INTERVIEWER: But earthquakes help shape the landscapes of which you are so proud. Do you mean to say that all the beauty we see in the world is because of evil people?

GOD: Oh yes. The earthquakes which punish wicked people produce beautiful landscapes over the eons.

INTERVIEWER: But how then can you claim to be the creator of those beautiful landscapes? Are not these wicked people free agents with free will? If creation is your design then these wrong doers are per-determined agents of thy will.

GOD: You are a good demonstration of why faith is more important than asking questions. But the world is built on bad intentions and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It is my purpose and my glory that counts for more than what peoples’ intentions to others may be.

INTERVIEWER: But look what happened in the Solomon Islands.

GOD: Now there is a misunderstanding. Many of my good followers believe the earthquake and Tsunami was punishment for the Solomon Islanders. Believe me the human deaths and casualties were in fact collateral damage.

INTERVIEWER: What? Who else could earn your ire?

GOD: In the case of the Solomon Islands I was angry with the appalling goings on of some recalcitrant amphibians; especially the frogs.

INTERVIEWER: Frogs?

GOD: Quiet so. Why do you think so many species of frogs have been becoming extinct? They have taken false idols and have not been keeping the promise they made at the beginning of time to follow my law. I have moved against them hitting upon the amphibians creatures at every opportunity.

INTERVIEWER: But what about the cane toad. They are doing better than ever.

GOD: Allow me to tell you a thing or two about my chosen amphibians. They alone among the croaking set have kept my law. They have honoured me and at every opportunity have praised me and sang to my glory. They have not been prostrating themselves before those other awful gods. They have not fouled themselves before those other gods. The most despicable of all the others were those abhorrent mouth brooding frogs. Because they gave themselves to those demon gods I consigned them to history from where they will no longer offend me. But my lovely cane toads I brought them to a promise land across the sea where they are safe from enemies and in Australia they have multiplied in numbers in excess of the number of stars in the sky. Because I loved them so I gave them a whole continent.

INTERVIEWER: But I thought scientists or somebody brought cane toads to Australia as a biological control for pests.

GOD: Ah so but the good researcher was a man of faith so his science wasn’t really very good. To me science is like garlic to a vampire. I deceived him in the same way I deceived the old man of Bethel and hardened the heart of Pharaoh.

INTERVIEWER: But what about the people of Australia who are impacted by the cane toad?

GOD: Why would I care for 22 million people who would elect a rodent as their leader? The point is Australia is geologically stable in a world where I will be hitting on amphibians with all and any means at my disposal. I have taken my chosen amphibians to a safe harbour.

INTERVIEWER: Well we’re out of time and thank you for this illuminating interview.

(Poof and God is gone.)

The Fortune Teller

A customer at a country fair goes into a purple tent with a maroon door flap. Inside sits Madam Zelda with a cash box to one side and a crystal ball covered by a navy blue felt cloth. The inside layer of the tent is black with red trimmings.

MADAM ZELDA: Good afternoon Sir. Take a seat.

CUSTOMER: Thank you very much. How much will a reading cost?

MADAM ZELDA: Each reading costs $50. I will lay out some cards and then I will gaze into the crystal ball. The $50 covers a 10 minute session. Cash only.

CUSTOMER: Let’s start.

Madam Zelda unveils the crystal ball and lays out some cards.

MADAM ZELDA: (Surprised, shocked) Looking at these cards I think I’ll ask for your money up front before starting.

CUSTOMER: What do you mean?

MADAM ZELDA: Looking at what I can see here it’ll be easier to pay now. It’ll save messing around latter. I will only continue with what I can see if you will hand over payment now.

CUSTOMER: Okay.

The customer hands over a crisp new $50 note.

MADAM ZELDA: Now. This is not a good day for you. In fact it is your last day. This tent will be your place of death in just a few minutes.

CUSTOMER: WHAT!

MADAM ZELDA: In the crystal ball I can see police and ambulance officers swarming over this tent and a police cordon placed over the entrance. I will be massively inconvenienced for days and my visit to this town will have to be cut short.

CUSTOMER: But how?

MADAM ZELDA: Now let’s take a closer look here. I can see the inquest. testimony is being given that the cause of death was a brain embolism. I am also in court. I will be questioned as the last person to see you alive.

CUSTOMER: But how? Why? Ho…..

That was all the customer said. That was his end. The customer’s head drops to the table nearly upending it. Madam Zelda catches the cash box before it slides away.

Signing on for the last leg

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?

CLIENT: I’ve reached middle age and I think it’s time to look forward to the later part of my life.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly sir. You’ve come to the right place. We specialise in all the latter years options.

CLIENT: Well then let’s see what you can offer.

RECEPTIONIST: Let’s see. We have a number. Starting with grey hair, hair loss, hair growth in nostrils and ears, incontinence, lower libido incrementing to impotence, grouchiness, smelliness, loss of energy, poorer eyesight, poorer hearing, easier weight gain, now that’s a good one if you’ve had trouble gaining enough weight, memory loss or an inability to form new memories,  the occasional ache and the slow morphing of your facial features into a cartoon caricature of yourself.

CLIENT: Oh dear. Can you explain the memory one.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. With memory loss you can’t remember yesterday but with poor memory formation you can remember yesterday but you won’t remember today tomorrow. Get it?

CLIENT: Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually they all sound pretty undesirable. I don’t know if I like the sound of any of them.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that all we can offer. If you want to extend your tenure you will usually have to take some of these on board. Can’t do any better than that I’m afraid.

CLIENT: Aren’t there any good things on offer? I mean like life experience valued by others as wisdom, societal memory. Knowledge of lost arts and crafts. That sort of thing.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes but there not much of a market for those commodities these days. You can try to sell those qualities but there’s very little demand I’m afraid. Generally it ends up as excess in the attic.

CLIENT: So that just leaves me with all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff about getting old.

RECEPTIONIST: Pretty well. But that’s life isn’t it?

CLIENT: Well how can I avoid all that stuff you mentioned at the top?

RECEPTIONIST: Well… There is one option but it is not really a popular one at all.

CLIENT: I’m listening with all ears.

RECEPTIONIST: That is a short and generally nasty termination of life tenure in middle age. Avoids all the problems of old age. Only real cure for old age I’m afraid. It’s been a popular option with members of the armed forced since time immemorial and also with those who wanted to live extreme lives like assassins and mountain climbers.

CLIENT: Well that’s not very good. I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure I really need those other thing for longer life tenure.

RECEPTIONIST: That’s the deal the Lord Almighty set out when he opened out the contract with Adam and Eve. You live a long time with a declining physical condition or you die quickly without the pain of decline and without living a full life.

CLIENT: Talk about a pack with the devil. So what’s the best I could do by taking on some of those aliments?

The receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and then looks up at the client.

RECEPTIONIST: You can live to at least 80. You’re in good health with sober habits and all that. You can opt for some angina problems latter and some arthritis. There can also be a prostrate scare. You will of course have to lose most of your hair and what remains will be grey.

CLIENT: I guess I can sign on for that combination. Not completely rosy but hey it’s better than topping yourself mid life.

RECEPTIONIST: An affair with a woman half your age may lift your spirits and make you feel younger.

CLIENT: Yes that may be an interesting diversion. So I’ll take that combination then.

RECEPTIONIST: So that's the angina, the debilitating arthritis, and a prostrate scare, and a mid life affair with a younger woman to lift your spirits. Well that should take you well into your 80’s with only a little dependency.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll sign up for that. About as good as I think I can get.

RECEPTIONIST: Good then. I’ll print that out and you can sign on the dotted line.

CLIENT: Any idea of the exact date of death then?

RECEPTIONIST: No. That’s classified information I’m afraid. But well into your 80s is probable looking at your readout here.

Receptionist hands him some paper and a number.

CLIENT: What’s this?

RECEPTIONIST: That’s your number. Keep it handy. One day you’ll find yourself in the checkout room and that’s the number by which you will be called.

CLIENT: Thank you. Goodbye. (Leaves)

RECEPTIONIST: See ya. (Then raising her head and her voice) NEXT!

An elderly husband and wife couple step up.

HUSBAND: Excuse me we are an old couple. Coming up to our diamond anniversary.

RECEPTIONIST: Well congratulations. That’s a long time.

WIFE: We want to know what you have in the way of medical aliments.

HUSBAND: We’ve had a good life. A nice home, grandchildren and an investment house but we will be moving into a retirement village shortly. The garden is getting beyond us now. We’ve been around the world. And now we think that a very serious illness will round off our life nicely.

WIFE: Well the point is most of our friends come down with serious medical aliments and we thought it’s about time we buy into something of the sort and we just want to know what’s available.

RECEPTIONIST: Well there’s a wide assortment. Depends on exactly what you’re looking for. What sort of end of life illness experience you think would compliment the life you’ve have had.

HUSBAND: We do have full medical insurance so cost will not be an object.

WIFE: We were thinking of a nice cancer. Thelma next door had a very long and protracted pancreas cancer last year and her hubby Harold had a prostrate cancer and that seems to have been a very memorable experience for them. But of course poor Thelma was taken away at the end of it and Harold has had to move into a nursing home, God bless the lovely chap.

RECEPTIONIST: There are a range of cancers to think about but we also have a range of other serious conditions like motor neuron disease although that is more popular with the younger crowd…

WIFE: Oh yes. Beryl had that. Gave her a hell of a time. We might like to consider that one but as you said it is more of a younger person’s disease.

RECEPTIONIST: And then there are the traditional cardiac diseases. Strange group that one. Good for a fast exit or for a slow decline. The exact heart condition can be tailored to your needs. There’s diabetes of course with type 2 becoming more popular these days. And there is Alzheimer’s disease. The disadvantage of that one is that the patient generally can’t enjoy it because they have no memory of it.

HUSBAND: I know a guy who had type 2 diabetes. It gave him kidney, eye and foot problems. Still may be a better way than a cancer and still fairly high prestige.

RECEPTIONIST: I see you there is an element of keeping up with the Jones.

WIFE: Well I would like to get up Maude’s nose with her high manner down her nose snobbery. I’d just like to shove it in her face.

HUSBAND: She just a bit hard to get along with,

WIFE: She a through snob and she enjoys putting other people down.

HUSBAND: What dear?

WIFE: He’s a bit hard of hearing you know.

HUSBAND: What’s that?

WIFE: I said YOU”RE A BIT HARD OF HEARING.

HUSBAND: I know that. What do you have to tell me that?

RECEPTIONIST: Another alternative is brain tumour. An unusual one and it requires the absolute crème de la crème of surgeons.

HUSBAND: That might be what we’re looking for. Something serious but not run of the mill. Something off the top self so to speak. If you have to go you may as well go in style.

WIFE: May as well rub Maud’s face in it. Keep her squirming as we go.

RECEPTIONIST: Well that’s one of you. I assume you want to experience serious illness together.

HUSBAND AND WIFE: Absolutely. (In unison)

 WIFE: Oh yes. We've always done everything together.

RECEPTIONIST: Then what say I give you some of these pamphlets and I’ll give you this little booklet “So You’re Looking for an Illness” for you to peruse over at home.

HUSBAND: That sounds good. We’ll probably be in some time next week to talk it over. See you then.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. See you then.